I have two friends. We'll call them Tim and Linda, for simplicity's sake. Long story short, I used to have a crush on Tim, I don't anymore, and he and I are going to be roommates next year. He's like my older brother. Linda is like a sister to me. They started seeing each other in November, but didn't tell anyone. In fact, even when they started formally and exclusively going out in January, they didn't tell anyone. They thought it was a hilarious joke. Nobody else got it. In January, back when I still had a crush on Tim, we ended up hooking up once. They were already exclusive at that point. I found out two months later that they were dating and had been dating since January and had been lying to everyone, including me, for 3 months. I already have trust issues and I'm still kind of upset over that. The thing that's really bugging me now, however, is that they are constantly together. Linda doesn't even sleep in her own house anymore. Sometimes, I want to hang out with just Linda, or just Tim, but they spend nearly every waking, and sleeping, moment together, and Linda got mad at me when I invited Tim over to play computer games the other day but didn't invite her (She doesn't play, and Tim and I are LAN buddies). How do I talk to them about this without pissing them off? Plus, how can I get over the resentment at having been lied to for 3 months by my two closest friends?
About the resentment thing- would it help to hear about a similar situation from the perspective of the couple?
When my boyfriend and I started dating, we kept it secret for a really long time too, and a LOT of people were really hurt and offended when we finally fessed up, too. We honestly didn't anticipate people being upset about it- the reason why we didn't tell anyone is because we were afraid people would be unhappy with us dating each other and would criticise us or pester us. Too, we had a mutual friend who had feelings for him, and we didn't want her to feel hurt or awkward around us, as the three of us were all really close. Is it possible that your friends didn't want to tell you for that reason, knowing that you used to have feelings for Tim?
I'm not sure why they'd find it hilarious, but they may not have intended to hurt anybody by keeping things quiet. (Just giving them the benefit of a doubt here!)
Well, that might be part of it. But they actually thought it was a big joke. They pretended like they were both hooking up with a bunch of other people, and even wanted to put an announcement in this humor publication that a group I'm part of does once a month, as a way of telling people that they were dating and that all the hookups were fake and just a joke, but the editors didn't think it was funny, so they wouldn't put it in. I'm still stumped on how to approach the hanging out with them separately thing...
I've had that problem with friends before, and sometimes I worry that I do that to some of my friends with my boyfriend.
It can be hard, finding a balance between your friends and your romantic partner, and I think a lot of people tend to start brushing off their friends when in a relationship. Especially when the relationship is fairly new.
But anyway, have you tried sitting them both down and just talking to them? Say that you love them both dearly, but that you miss how things used to be where you could hang out with them separately, as well as together. Point out that there's some thing that you do with one of them that you don't do with the other, like, say, computer games.
I think talking to them about it is really the only thing you can do.
-------------------- "America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between." -Oscar Wilde Posts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
In this situation, I'm more like Linda. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost nine months, and although we didnt keep 'us' a secret, I am afraid that I do blow my friends off to spend time with him.. vise-versa. The problem with us blowing off our friends, besides the fact that it is wrong, is that my friends are his friends and his friends are mine. So, whenever one of us blows off friends, we kind of both blow the people off. However, after I realized that I was blowing off my friends fairly often, I tried to cease doing it, although occasionally it does still happen between the two of us.
However, my friends did, and occasionally do, tell me "your stuck up his @$#", "you spend every freaking day with him", ect., which is true and isnt at the same time. I DO see him every day at school, but it's really not the same as seeing him alone.. So, I do go to his house ALMOST every weekend, but I try doing things with my friends, too. I have to admit though, it kind of does hurt me when they say things like this because HE is also one of my best friends; they wouldnt be saying that Im stuck up their butts if we all did something every weekend. .. Guys arent invited to girl get-togethers, and even if they were, it's nice to spend one-on-one time with you significant other.
For example, Im going to his house Saturday morning, and then Saturday night Im going with the girls to the movies and then Im spending the night.
So, as libertaissacra said, the only thing you could probably do would be to talk to them, but you should probably explain to them WHY you feel like you do.. LINDA may be insecure about the relationship right now, especially since you did have a crush on him in the past. If they are truly your best friends, they will understand, but when you talk to them, try not to be harsh.. instead, be understanding.
Hope this helps.
-------------------- Young and Dumb. "Life is a balance of holding on and letting go." - Keith Urban Posts: 243 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008
| IP: Logged |
Now I just have to figure out how to get over being upset about the lying. Tim mentioned it today, in a "Hahaha everybody actually believed I was hooking up with random girls! You guys were so gullible!" way, and I got mad and had to leave so I wouldn't say something I'd regret later.
Anyone have advice on what to do? Should I talk to them about it? Is so, how? What should I say?
Posts: 128 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
You know, I would actually recommend talking to them about it. If it were me, I'd find a time when things are quiet and laidback, and just say something along the lines of "hey guys, i just wanted to talk to you both about something... I know you guys think it was really funny, but I was really hurt that you didn't tell me you were going out while you were hooking up with people." Elaborate if you need to, but I think the important thing to let them know is that you certainly didn't find it funny (and I'm sure others didn't laugh at it either, people don't like being played around like that) without getting really accusatory and angry at them.
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.