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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Should I?

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Author Topic: Should I?
Castaway
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After dealing with a rather...harsh break-up, I decided to try to find an interest in another girl. Luckily I did find interest in thise one who I see in at least one of my classes. The thing is, I still can't stop thinking about the ex, even through the breakup wasn't really recent. Should I push myself ot move on to another girl, or should I just really think about things? I'm just so indecisive, and there are times when I still feel like letting my tears shed, although I've done so long ago.
Posts: 89 | From: Somewhere in dreamland.... | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
iamfree
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You know, rebound relationships are often not a very good idea, partly because the reboundee is very likely to get hurt, but mostly because the rebounder needs time between relationships to sort things out.

Breaking up with someone is a little like the death of someone you love: you need to grieve properly before you move on.

How do you think this other girl might feel if she knew you aren't over your ex while you are dating her? Not very happy, huh? You owe it to her to go out with her because you truly like her, not because she will help you get over your ex.

So right now, what I suggest is taking a little time off for yourself. Be single for a little while. Think about your past relationship. Examine what you liked and what you didn't like, and think about what you hope to find in future relationships. Explore your hobbies, focus on your friends, do something new and exciting, Have a little YOU time. You deserve it. And eventually, when you feel ready, start dating again and enjoy the ride.

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Castaway
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I've already grieved, and I have no need to grieve anymore. As I've said, it wasn't recently that it happened. I just want to move on with my life.
Posts: 89 | From: Somewhere in dreamland.... | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Well, you can move on with your life without moving into a new relationship when you're still focused on your ex. Of course, a date or two -- rather than a capital R-relationship -- is casual enough, especially if you're honest that you're still getting over an ex.

In other words, romances are only one part of your life, so why not move on in areas where you feel more able to move forward first, especially considering there is someone else involved who probably wants to be more than a vehicle for your own moving on?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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To be honest, I don't feel I can move onto other things. It's sort've complicated. I mean, I can focus on other things, but it's hard trying not to think about another relationship. I just want to move on. I have changed, and I'm not saying I want to forget about her, But I just have that want to to get into a relationship.
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Heather
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Yeah, the thing is, though, that it's not very fair to use someone else as a vehicle for your own growth or to forget about someone. (And believe me, I have made that mistake myself a couple times in my life, and it really tends to leave people hurt.)

It's also pretty hasty to decide you need a big relationship with someone before you even have a few dates to see what you two are like together. Going from 0-to-50 with people just tends to not be so wise.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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I'm not immediately into a relationship, I just want to get closer to her. and as I've said, it's not to forget about the previous.
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Heather
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Well, then like I said, why don't you stop thinking relationship, just ask the girl out on a date and see just how that first date even goes?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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Not like I know alot about her.
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Heather
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I'm sorry, I don't understand what you mean by that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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I want to get to know her more.
Posts: 89 | From: Somewhere in dreamland.... | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Well then, it makes sense not to think about a Relationship. That's only sensible when you do truly not only know someone well enough, but when you have a good idea about and experience with how the two of you interact.

(Honestly, if you look at your posts about this last relationship, I think you'll be able to see some mirroring of this kind of discussion. You were very, very sure that what that was was SO perfect, and that the two of you where THE thing, that you knew her SO well....you know? I get it, and it's typical for any of us, especially when we're new to relationships, to be that quick to dig in, and that sure before it's sound, but still, always good if any of us can dodge a bullet by learning from the last time.)

So -- and really, I've said this three times now, so there's not much more to say -- if you want to get to know her, get to know her. Have a lunch, see a movie, take a walk, have a chat on the phone, see how even those initial meetings go, WAY before you start thinking relationship.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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..Don't remind me of the last one. And I have to find out if she's free (hopefully). But perhaps we can continue this somewhere else, say, IM?
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Heather
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Castaway, I only provide consult for users on the message boards and via the advice section of the main site. Save in emergencies where someone may be in danger from someone else and giving them a local referral may compromise their safety, those are the only ways I/we provide help to users here at Scarleteen.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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I was really hoping I could get some advice unfortunately.
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Heather
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You can get advice right here, or if you want more one-on-one counseling, you can check out resources for counselors in your community. But both for reasons of legal protection, my own time management, and financial reasons, this is my and our limitation.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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beachxoxobabe22
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definitly take a brather and a break from other girls.

as a girl, one thing that i would hate is to think someone loved me when they really loved their ex.

try to talk things out with your ex. maybe shes having the same problem too

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-S.S.S. Lizzy <33

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