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Author Topic: Boyfriend Lashed Out
k_leigh7692
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Member # 30348

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Hello,

My boyfriend and I have been together before for about 3 yrs, and before HS graduation, he broke up with me wanting freedom and to "be single." Well, about 5 months after that, he started contacting me again, swallowed his pride, and admitted his mistakes. So, now we've been back together for about 5 months. Everything has been great, and he's truly trying to make things better. But every now and then, he has slip-up's.

Today, after class, I went to see him and he was outside shooting some baskets. He wanted me to play, but basketball just isn't my thing and I also had flip flops on. I could see he was a little irritated at that, so I just eventually got up and shot some baskets with him. At one point, he mentioned giving his neon green iPod to his older brother, although he had told me he was going to let me have it to replace my old iPod mini (and green is my fave. color).

Well, in a joking manner, I began to "pitch a fit" claiming that his brother got everything including his time whenever the older brother came into town, their mom pays for everything, he doesn't work, etc. I was somewhat laughing when I said all this, and I'm sure I shouldn't have said that about his brother, but it's every single little thing HE says about him. All of a sudden, my boyfriend gets up in my face and yells at me at the top of his lungs, "stop yelling at me!" And the look on his face just stunned me. He might as well have backhanded me across the face while he was at it judging by his expression.

He walked over to his car and turned everything off (he had the radio on) and came back over to me and said, "so, we good now or are you gonna keep yelling at me?" I didn't reply, I just walked over to the steps in front of the house and sat down. I was too stunned to say anything. He came over and gathered his keys, phone, sunglasses, and shirt and I looked at him and told him I was just joking, but he just laughed a little bit and said, "yeah, sure, whatever." And after that he went inside and left me out there alone.

I thought that he would come back out and talk, but I waited for about 5 min. and finally, in tears, I left for home. I haven't gotten a phone call, text, or email from him apologizing. My grandmother called him b/c I didn't answer my phone and asked where I was, and he said he didn't know, that I was here and then I left. He didn't say anything about our fight or me being upset.

I don't know whether to be upset and sad or fed up and angry, because, despite the verbal outburst, this is the same stuff he used to pull in our last relationship. I know I didn't do anything wrong, except for possibly talking about his brother, but he does the same as well. I just don't know what to think about this. I'm planning on waiting until he comes over to my house or calls me to apologize before I talk to him about anything. He always assumes everything is going to be alright the next day after we have an argument. I'm not going to let him assume that this time.

Am I going about this the right way? Anyone's thoughts on this situation would be so helpful. I love him with all my heart and have made numerous sacrifices for him, but it just seems like he takes me for granted and just expects everything that he gets, and when things don't go his way, he can do whatever he wants.

Please, any help is greatly appreciated.

-k_leigh7692

Posts: 31 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
diamonds4lucy
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When you say "despite the verbal outburst, this is the same stuff he used to pull in our last relationship," what do you mean by this? Can you give some examples of when similar things have happened in the past?

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Posts: 446 | From: Seattle | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
k_leigh7692
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When we would get into arguments, he would try every possible thing to try to prove me wrong, and make me feel like it was my fault. Or, he would avoid the whole thing altogether. We would fight, and I would usually go home crying to my grandparents (I live with them), and then he wouldn't apologize until the next day after I was calmed down and basically over it. And even then, it was almost like a fleeting thing. Just thrown out there. He just assumes that I'll be fine by the next day and everything will be ok.

This is the first time he's ever raised his voice to me. It shocked me to no end. He doesn't seem to take responsibility for his actions, and take the initiative in resolving the fight. I have to bring up the topic and fight w/him some more to get him to apologize. It's like pulling teeth.

Posts: 31 | From: North Carolina | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
diamonds4lucy
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A violent outburst like that is never acceptable, and can be very jarring- I understand why you're so upset.

How frequently do the two of you fight?

Have you tried when the two of you aren't in the middle of a fight sitting down and communicating how you feel when the two of you argue, and discussed what both of you can do to resolve conflicts more quickly and with less pain?

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Posts: 446 | From: Seattle | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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quote:
Originally posted by k_leigh7692:
He doesn't seem to take responsibility for his actions, and take the initiative in resolving the fight. I have to bring up the topic and fight w/him some more to get him to apologize. It's like pulling teeth.

That's the part that worries me. Nicole made some excellent suggestions, but you can't do the work by yourself. He needs to be willing to be a part of that discussion and own his actions before you can work things out.

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I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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