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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Does he not love me if he is not willing to wait until marriage?

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Author Topic: Does he not love me if he is not willing to wait until marriage?
Member # 36820

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I have not been dating my boyfriend very long, but early on I told him that I want to wait until marriage to loose my virginity. He told me that it is fine for the time being, there is no way that we are ready to have sex yet, but understandably he will begin to get frustrated sometime in the future.

I can totally understand where he is coming from, but when the time does come when he begins to get frustrated, I am stuck for what to do. To ask him to go celibate for however long we are together is a huge thing, especially as i am not planning to be married for a good 10 or so years. it is looking into the future very early on, i understand, but would it be worth relaxing my morals to keep him or if he really loved me would he wait?

Posts: 1 | From: London | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hi Robinbanks- and welcome to Scarleteen.

It's never worth relaxing your morals or compromising your values in order to keep someone in your life.

Some people aren't going to be happy in a long term romantic relationship that doesn't have sex in it- and that's okay. Every one is different. However, if they want to treat their partner right, and their partner, for whatever reason, isn't comfortable with being sexually active, it's up to them to determine whether they can be happy with that, or if they want to end the relationship.

It's never alright to pressure someone into sex.

Regarding the "getting frustrated" bit- women get frustrated, too. If someone gets frustrated, they don't have to have partnered sex- they can always masturbate. Telling your partner that you'll get frustrated in the hopes of getting them into bed isn't a cool thing to do.

Not every relationship has to last forever, and you can still love someone but part ways because, at that point in your life, the two of you aren't a good fit.

Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For is a good article about potential problems that arise in relationships.

I hope this has helped.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -Douglas Adams.

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Posts: 446 | From: Seattle | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Robin: I'm just passing through today on the boards, but I wanted to give you a moment.

You know, ten years is a very long time, usually longer than one can even visualize when you're younger. It's very tough to really know in advance how much most of us usually changes and evolves over that period of time, especially in our teens and twenties. To help you make some sense of that, imagine how different you are at 20 than you were at 10. It's likely you will be even MORE different at 30 than you are now at 20. It's pretty huge for most people.

So, what I'd encourage you to do is perhaps conceptualize all of this with a more immediate viewpoint. You may well likely not even be with this guy for another six months, let alone a decade, or let alone to marriage. You may or may not want to delay sex until marriage a few years from now: heck, you may or may not want to get married at all in ten years. And I'll be frank it would be exceptionally rare for someone to wait for sex until a marriage in their late twenties.

In other words, what you know is that NOW you do not want to be sexually active. You think you may feel that way until marriage, but you can't see into the future. that's okay, because you don't need to: you only need to know what you do and do not want now. Someone you're dating now shouldn't have any expectation of you somehow knowing more than that, nor need some kind of promise you might feel differently later.

But to ask someone to be celibate...well, you're really not asking him to be celibate at all. You're simply making clear that if he chooses to be with YOU, that YOU have chosen to be celibate and that, for now and possibly later, that's just the deal. If partnered sex is something very important to him in a relationship right now, then you're not going to be a good fit for him as a partner, and if he comes to that conclusion, it'd obviously be best for you both not to go out. What's going to be best for you so long as you feel this way is to date someone who shares that desire with you, rather than them choosing something they don't really want. And with someone who shares that same aim, then even though, yes, celibacy can be a challenge, if it's what both of you want, it really won't be a huge deal.

Too, I hear you framing this as it being understandable that a partner of yours might get frustrated, but so might you. Sexual desire isn't something men feel more strongly than women based on gender, after all. Women feel it just as strongly as men, and you, too, might also get frustrated sometimes being celibate. But if it's more beneficial to you, personally, to be so, then that frustration won't be anything major. And again, to a partner who also wants same, it wouldn't to them, either.

If you only want to sate someone now, too, who is long-haul material and this guy now is telling you that the long-term plans you have now don't mesh with his when it comes to relationships, you may want to reconsider pursuing this relationship. If, on the other hand, you just want to more casually date someone because it works for now (especially considering you can't know how you will feel in ten or probably even one year), or because you aren't really looking for that long-term person now, and this is otherwise good for you both, no need to nip it in the bud. But if he's telling you -- directly or more passively -- that he knows this isn't going to work for him soon, in a time frame you can easily visualize -- then it doesn't seem sensible to pursue this or worry about what you'll do when he "gets frustrated." seems to me he might be (poorly) communicating that celibacy just isn't something he wants, and if that's so, y'all are a poor fit now, without even getting to the future.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 36710

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(First of all I'd like to say that this reply probably comes off kind of condescending, and I'm only 16 and have no experience in any of this, so I'm just giving my thoughts, and don't mean to patronise.)

Well, are you sure you'll want to keep him for ten years and marry him?

I don't know how old you are, but as you say, you're not ready for sex yet and neither is he. All sorts of things could happen other than what you foresee:
You might break up before you feel ready for sex.
He might not feel ready for sex before you do.
By the time he wants to have sex with you, your views on sex before marriage or on when you want to get married might have changed.
If it does happen that you both want to stay together but he wants to have sex with you and you still don't want to have sex before marriage, you might decide to get married sooner than you'd imagined, you might come to an agreement that you definitely wanted to get married to each other at some stage and in light of that you might feel more okay about sex, you might explain to him why you have your views about sex before marriage and he might come to share them, or you might have irreconcilably different views and feel it best to break up.

But I would wonder why you expect him to get frustrated, but don't think you will; and whether it's wise to have your marriage so planned, when it takes two people to get married and even if it comes to pass that you decide with someone that you want to marry them and they want to marry you, you don't know how old you'll be or where you'll be in your life or when it'll suit you to do the deed. Maybe that'll never happen at all, and I hope you wouldn't feel that your life hadn't worked out properly.

Anyway, the question you ask, 'would it be worth relaxing my morals to keep him or if he really loved me would he wait?' would only come up if he gave you an ultimatum: 'have sex with me or we're breaking up', and I hope that doesn't happen. If it does, it would depend how you felt at the time, and you probably don't need to and won't be able to figure that out at this stage.

Posts: 5 | From: Ireland | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27966

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(robinbanks, I'm just gonna move this thread to the Relationships forum, as it's probably a more appropriate place for it, okay? [Smile] And I'll lock the copy that's left here to make sure you see it.)


Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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This thread really caught me eye (even though I'm rarely here anymore) because my husband and I waited until we were married.

First off, there's one thing that stuck out to me. You want to wait until you are married to have sex. But you want to wait to get married for 10 years or so, possibly. Do you think that will be reasonable for you?

Most people I know who have waited did one of two things: they didn't date until they were older and felt ready to get married, or they went ahead and dated as teens and married young. My husband and I are the latter; we were 19 and 20 when we got married a few years ago.

The reason people usually choose one of those two paths? Because it is, honestly, exceedingly difficult to remain celibate with someone who you love very much, are very attracted to, and are very close to. My husband and I only dated for 2 1/2 years before we got married, but we really struggled with waiting for the last year or so. And while I have my beliefs about what actions are appropriate, I believe that desire is completely natural, even for people of faith. When you get closer to another person in every other way, it's natural to one to get close to them physically/sexually as well.

That's just something to ponder.

As for your question, as Heather said, you're not telling your guy to be celibate. You're just telling him what your expectations are of the relationship, and he needs to decide whether he's willing to go along with that. It's not much different than when people say they want to have kids some day, for example. You're just trying to make sure, early on, that you have the same goals, if the relationship progresses that far.

Whether you chose to have sex or not is ultimately your decision. Just don't let yourself be pressured. What if you did it just for him, and then it didn't work out anyway?

Posts: 81 | From: MO, USA | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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