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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My mom got mad at my bf

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Author Topic: My mom got mad at my bf
Pasitea
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Member # 36809

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Hi everyone, Im new to the boards, but I've been browsing Scarleteen for a while and I think it's a great, really interesting site.

Anyways, my mom got really angry at my bf yesterday and I felt awfully sad, me and my bf truly love eachother (we've been together for over 3 months) and she's always gotten along just fine with him.

She got mad because she found out he had been angry with me earlier that day 'cause I arrived late to our meeting and we had a lot of important things to do. I'm always late to almost everything, I'm not proud of it but it's true, so I understood his reaction, we discussed it and made up quickly.

But, that night, my mom said he had mistreated me and she insulted him (he had already left), that if he truly cared about me he'd had been sympathetic to my problem and wouldn't have gotten angry; that making a scene in the street was the beginning of the end and he'd start treating me worse as time goes by.

I really think she's wrong 'cause I know in my heart my bf loves me, he always tells me so and he shows it too; we have some problems, like everyone else, but we work things out because we truly want our relationship to work out, to last. However, she's my mom and she's supposed to know...so what do you think?

Any thoughts would be really appreciated, thank you (and sorry for writing such a long post, I'm just upset).

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"Young people would be a lot happier (and not messed up) if they truly knew their own selves: mentally, spiritually and physically."

"I respect everyone's right to be different and to think differently :P"

Posts: 11 | From: Lima, Peru | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
corrie paige
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Member # 36811

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Listen, your mom has been in tiffs with your dad. idk why she would get mad except to try to save you from heartache. or maybe her and ur dad got into a fight and she was just sore about it. give her the benefit of the doubt. Ur right about you and your bf working things out like everyone else. Just let things slide for now, and dont make it worse.
Posts: 8 | From: PA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pasitea
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Member # 36809

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Thank you for your advice, corrie paige; today she seemed to have almost completely forgiven him.

Come to think of it, what really bothered me was that she thinks I can't defend myself or that I'm a silly little girl who quietly accepts her partner's rants; and what truly hurt me were the insults she uttered, my bf's an important person to me and I think she should have respected that fact and, obviously, him as well.

What is more, my bf's depressed (he's going to therapy twice a week, I go too, 'cause I used to be depressed as well, but only once a week) which is why I was so saddened by this whole mess. He felt horrible afterwards; he apologised profusedly and said he knows I have a problem with being on time and that he'd work hard on not doing it again to honor our mutual love (I procrastinate and he anticipates in pathological ways, that's the only huge difference between us and the only source of conflict).

I forgot to mention my parents are separated, I haven't seen my father since 2003, but we never had a good relationship so I don't miss him whatsoever. So maybe you are right, maybe she had canalized some of her anger towards my father on my bf, who knows.

Anyway, thanks again for your sound advice and sorry for such a long post (again).

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"Young people would be a lot happier (and not messed up) if they truly knew their own selves: mentally, spiritually and physically."

"I respect everyone's right to be different and to think differently :P"

Posts: 11 | From: Lima, Peru | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
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What exactly did your boyfriend do and say when he got upset at you? You said that your mother said he made a scene in the street, so what exactly happened? Also, how long have you been seeing him?

I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss this with some pop psychology about your mother channeling her anger about your father onto your boyfriend. Sometimes, it is easier for people who are slightly removed from a situation to see it more objectively than it is for the people in the relationship to see it. Your mother also has far more relationship experience on her side, which is not to sound as though that makes anyone better than anyone else for having more experience, but it certainly does give her a different (and probably very valuable) perspective on the situation. Perhaps she is seeing something in the relationship which you either don't see yet or refuse to see.

I will say that there have been several times now that I wish I had listened to what my mother said about the guys I was dating. It certainly would have saved me a lot of pain in many cases. But we all have to realize some things on our own I guess. After all, who likes to believe that the person who is showering us with attention is actually just trying to manipulate us?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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Pasitea
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Umm, I can see how I wasn't clear, I ought to have explained this from the get go:

My bf and I are both 19 and have been together for over 3 months, we love each other deeply and we believe we're soulmates.

My bf was irritated, but he wasn't physically violent towards me nor did he yell; if he had been or done so, he wouldn't be the sensitive, caring young man I know and love. What is more, I would've answered back, I'm no pushover (even if my mom's incredulous about that: 2 weeks ago, I got into quite an argument with a municipal watchman over a violation of my civil rights [Big Grin] ).

All he did was asking why was I so late, said he'd been waiting for me for half and hour and we had tons of things to do. He asked me if I didn't care about him or his time 'cause I've done this before (like I mentioned, I'm a pathological procrastinator, my therapist says so, though not exactly in those words; and he was his own insecurity and anxiety issues as well); I reminded him that that wasn't true, that I don't WANT to be late, I JUST CAN'T HELP IT, I have a problem.

It was lunchtime, so he said I should go eat at my grandma's, that he'd do all his things on his own so that I wouldn't be late to my dentist appointment. But I wanted us to go to together (he had to go out with his mom later, so we weren't going to see each other), and after some discussion, I persuaded him and we made up. (Funnily enough, we did everything we had to do on time 'cause we took cabs and, as it turned out, I got confused, my dentist appointment was an hour later than I thought.)

Is that really the definition of "a scene in the street"? To me it's more like a young couple having a disagreement (unfortunately, it didn't happen inside a house). As days go by, I think my mom exagerated (I mean, seriously, she wasn't even there) 'cause she's overprotective (I'm her only child) and thought something truly bad had happened (even though she's said, on numerous ocasions, that my bf is a good, sweet boy.)

And I don't mean to sound harsh or judgmental, but my mom's personal experience with men is very limited. Her only boyfriend ever was my father (a very inmature, irresponsible man and lousy father, who had two previous marriages and from whom I have 4 halfsiblings), who's 13 years older than her and (in my opinion) manipulated his 18 year old secretary into a relationship.

She told me people she knew/knows had had "bad experiences" that started with a "scene". Therefore, her opinion wasn't based on something she saw in our relationship's dynamic, it was based on what she "thought" had happened. That's why I think you're right when you say people outside a relationship can see things more objectively, but I don't think it really applies in this case. Nevertheless, thank you Orca, I appreciate the attention and good faith in your answer, Scarleteen volunteers are fantastic people [Wink]

[ 02-03-2008, 08:18 PM: Message edited by: Pasitea ]

--------------------
"Young people would be a lot happier (and not messed up) if they truly knew their own selves: mentally, spiritually and physically."

"I respect everyone's right to be different and to think differently :P"

Posts: 11 | From: Lima, Peru | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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