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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » From one relationship to another...

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Author Topic: From one relationship to another...
thismoment
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In April this year I decided to finally end a LDR which I had sort of been in since august. It was a relationship which, looking at it now, I can see that I liked the idea of, but didn't truly want. I was always uncertain about it, always partially unsatisfied (the LDR didn't suit me at the time, and there were certain aspects which I felt were lacking - certain interests which really we didn't share), but we nevertheless had a great friendship: and it might have worked out less messy had we kept it that way. I suppose the main thing was that we both wanted different things from the relationship; he fell into it much more than I did (to the extent of seeing us together till old and frail, to imagining us married, to discussing the idea of us living together, etc), whereas for me it was a sort of 'friend I absolutely love who it feels great to be close to emotionally and sexually'... but we cared about each other, truly. In april I finally decided to tell him that I couldn't continue with it (after numerous discussions, and just a couple of weeks after again visiting him) - the same night he actually accepted this, I went out to a poetry event, and met several people (including my now boyfriend).

We took it quite slowly to begin with (for a start, this was during my GCSEs and his AS levels, so we both had pretty hectic exam schedules), but there wasn't really a lot of mental time and space for me to work out my needs. Even so, I definitely wanted to get to know him: I spent about 5 hours just chatting, laughing, talking with him the first evening we met, and found out he lives very near.

Thinking about this now, it was, in a way, a lot of the things my previous relationship wasn't: or at least, it promised these things. He lives near, so no LDR prospect (although when I first met him, although we clicked, I wasn't looking for a relationship; just a friendship, someone to have a good time with); he is more into the arts, bla bla, he does languages, etc etc.

Now, I'm really unsure what to do. I think I've got to a point where all my expectations, all the things I thought I was sure about are falling. For example, do I really want to be doing AS levels? Do I want to be going to university? Do I want a relationship? Basically, a huge uncertainty. Of course, this is the kind of thing which strangers typically don't see: I am the caring sister/ daughter, the A-grade student, the babysitter who keeps it together. It's not even like I don't feel I have people to talk to, I do: I have my sister, fantastic friends, and my boyfriend.

Some of this was prompted by my recently having to take EC: it made me think about things; about life, and how we choose to have it. I'm probably overanalysing, and overthinking, and not making much sense.

In my current relationship, I adore the person, but we lack the openness I am used to (I have very, very close best friends - we talk about everything, and easily). He says that he's not naturally as 'open', which I can understand, and I am trying to be patient, but I just feel like it's not happening. I feel like I am waiting, waiting for it to tip, for it to have the 'ease' of people who can just be, but that we are not quite there. I don't know whether I'm just zooming in on all the things I see wrong, either, but I feel like he says he wants the relationship, he says he really cares, but he doesn't consistently show it. I guess I just don't feel loved enough. I'm not sure whether he feels loved enough by me? I really hope he does. Maybe I shouldn't expect this, but it's something that I feel lacks, because I am used to it. I have friends and a sister whom I love so much, and yes, we fight, we argue now and then, but it's so obvious we love each other, and that makes everything worth it, it makes life worth it, despite the uncertainty.

I have thought about asking maybe to have a couple of week's headspace, but I guess christmas isn't really a great time for this, and I also have a couple of January exams (which count towards my AS levels), so I don't really want to feel any less 'safe' by taking a couple of weeks out.

It feels good to say this... [Smile]

Posts: 79 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thismoment
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does anyone have any opinions on taking a couple of week's headspace from a relationship?
Posts: 79 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thismoment
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*of weeks' (damn, I'm too tired for grammar or spelling today...)
Posts: 79 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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Sorry this was overlooked.

You know, it sounds like your relationship is the cause of some stress right now so I don't think taking a break is going to make it worse. I do think taking a break and giving yourself some head-space is an excellent idea. A week might not be enough time - especially if you have to study and such - so make sure to take what you need.

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I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thismoment
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I'm *supposed* to be studying, but my motivation is hitting pretty low right now. I know I need to, and that it's silly not to, because I'm capable of doing it etc etc, but it's difficult actually managing it. I typed up and edited one essay (it was previously drafted) today, but that was about it.

I feel a lot better in my relationship now than a few days ago: I think the primary reason I find it difficult is because my partner really isn't used to the same kind of intimacy and openness as I am, even though he wants to be able to be used to it. But I gathered that that's okay really, and that I am going to try to be patient, because he really is a wonderful person, whom I love. (And it's kind of difficult to separate yourself from people you love... although maybe sometimes it is best...) I'm not sure having a 'break' -completely- is the best decision just at the moment, but definitely not being as sexually active, because that does add more stress, despite also being relaxing at the time, because I've not quite figured out where I stand with BC. (Something I do need to work out...) Emotionally, I really need someone I can talk to right now, and just have a laugh with, and give me a cuddle, so I don't want to push him away. I suppose having a break isn't pushing him away, but I don't think it's the best idea just right now either. Yeh, I have friends who can do this, but I feel it is *different* with my boyfriend.

I'm finding things difficult generally at the moment, and finding myself quite anxious a lot of the time, not just about my relationships. Although my ex has also asked me about coming up to visit in a couple of weeks (he's looking at a uni near me), which is making me even more 'argh'. In some ways, I think it'd be better just to say that I'd rather not see him right now, and avoid complications.

I seem to be having quite extreme mood swings recently (something which has made me inclined to not want to try the pill at the moment, as my doctor recommended), where I feel extremely happy and elated, but then expect (and I know this doesn't help) a fall, which comes. It's like there is no sort of regular state of feeling happy, but I get frequent blips of being really, really disinterested in a lot of things (schoolwork, friends), and generally have a pessemistic outlook. I've tried looking at some CBT techniques on the web, because I know that getting to a point where you convince yourself that your twisted logic makes sense is something which I easily fall into, and it does affect me. I'm trying to do the typical things to keep my mood stable: be sociable, keep occupied, get enough sleep (I find it difficult getting to sleep though, but not like insomnia, which I used to have), exercise (I swim/ cycle for a long time each day), but it's still difficult. I know there are great things in life, and that I *can* get to a place where I'm mentally happy, but I'm frequently finding that place quite difficult to get to.

With regards to talking to someone about this, I've considered something like Samaritans, but really am concerned about 'wasting' their time when another person could be on the verge of suicide, which obv. I'm not at the moment. I don't think there's anyone at my 6th form college who does counselling, and I know that the NHS lists where I am mean that unless you're pretty much about to commit suicide, they tend to be unable to provide anything. Hopefully this isn't too much in the wrong forum - I guess all the things are interlinked.

I discussed all this stuff with my bf today, and he says the major thing which he thinks I need to do is speak to someone who has experience with helping people who are finding being happy generally quite difficult, because although he can comfort and listen, he doesn't really have the expertise. (Although I have other really close friends, I find him more comforting in a way, especially when I feel really low, so I don't think I could handle a complete break until I feel more OK). It was quite helpful talking to him though; just not stowing it inside me, not wanting to 'bother' people who obviously I wouldn't really be bothering, because they care a lot. I'm worried most of all because I know that a negative, irrational state of mind can easily escalate, and I really don't want it to (nor do I want to go back to having insomnia.) What do you think about ringing samaritans?

Thank you for listening [Smile]

Posts: 79 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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I think contacting the Samaritans is a great idea. Don't worry about wasting their time -- from what I understand this is exactly the kind of thing they're there for. If nothing else, they should be able to help you find the resources you need.

I think being proactive about this now is in your best interest; the earlier you get started the less likely you are to wind up having those suicidal thoughts. I hope you can connect with some sources of help and support.

I agree that now isn't a good time to start hormonal birth control, but I want to make sure you know we're happy to help you figure out what will work best for you when sex isn't such a source of stress.

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I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thismoment
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I just rang up my local brook clinic (http://www.brook.org.uk/content/) who were quite helpful (I thought I needed to get tested for STIs, but apparently not, as one of the people I've been with sexually was tested for STIs just before he met me -and had never before had sex-, and the other had never had any kind of sex either, and I have no symptoms...) I know this is the kind of thing I should've known more about *before* I started having sex, but at least I'm taking the steps about it now. [Smile]

I'm going to go and check out a local charity bookstore (2nd hand) today, to find out whether they need any volunteers during the summer, or during the holidays (something which would be a good change). I *rarely* have suicidal thoughts (don't want to give you the wrong idea; more often than not it's just extreme lack of motivation + lethargy), and I certainly don't think I'd go through with it, but it's not really easy having them when I do, and generally feeling **** about things.

Hmmnnn... my doctor didn't really advise me too well about BC: she near enough wrote a prescription for the pill, whilst shunning my asking about side effects. Now I think it's kind of peculiar, especially as she knows I suffer from stress and stress-related migranes.

I might ring up the Samaritans later, will see how I feel later today.

Posts: 79 | From: England | Registered: Dec 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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