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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » it's over

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Author Topic: it's over
cool87
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Member # 29292

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My boyfriend just broke up with me on Wednesday after a conversation we had. He said he was thinking about doing that for a while because it just wasn't the same anymore as it was when we first gotten into that relationship. I knew it wasn't working so well lately but I didn't expected him to just end it, you know.

Part of the reason why he said he broke up was that he felt like I just didn't open up to him enough and he wasn't comfortable with that. And part of this is also because of sex. This is what I get for having been assertive and for saying no when I just wasn't in the mood for sex and lately I haven't been a lot. It sure pay off but that's not the way I expected it to be.

I feel also that part of that is that I'm just a way too complicated partner loaded with issues. Okay, maybe not loaded but I do have issues. That's how I feel. I just feel that maybe I've put too much of a burden on him and he just got tired of having to deal with all that on top of his own. That's my impression. And I feel that because of that, I won't be a good potential partner for anyone.

Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship with anyone right now. I felt like I've rushed from relationship to relationship without even taking the time to ask myself if that's what I really wanted or even was ready for. Maybe it might be best to deal with my own issues first because the way I feel is that noone can handle me as a partner.

I'm not really at my best right now and I just needed to let this out.

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Posts: 3598 | From: Canada | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I do think that taking a break from dating would be a great thing for you, you know I have thought that for some time now.

Know, too, that no: not every partner can handle a complex person with a complex history. But there are a LOT of people who ARE complex with complex histories, as well as people without them, but who can empathize and "get it." There are also a lot of people who can be patient while partners who are slower to trust open up more gradually. And, suffice it to say, partners who don't have an issue with partners saying no to sex or kinds of sex, sometimes or for periods of time.

They're out there, and lordisa, you're young, gal. There's just no sense in feeling bitter about partnership and finding people who get you this early in the game (I know you might not be able to hear that, I likely wouldn't have at your age either, but I figure I'll say it anyway, because it's true). This guy sounds like he wasn't one of those people, so better not to stay in a relationship with him. But you know, you also had some positives with this, based on what you said, that you hadn't had with other partners before, which is great for you to have had.

Sorry about your breakup, but if it encourages you to take a real break -- especially when you understand that rushed serial monogamy usually does result in people winding up with partners that aren't the best fit for them -- and gives you some time and space for yourself, as well as an out from some of the negatives, I think it's a good thing, even if it never feels good to get dumped.

Virtual soy ice cream sundaes from over here coming your way. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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cool87
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Thanks, that make me feel a bit better.

I'll try keeping in mind what you said in the 3rd paragraph although I'm not convinced of that yet. When I look at everything that happened, I just feel really disgusted by all that. Like in part because of the fact that I dated older men, this has a big impact on how I perceive myself now. I could have chosen not to date them but I did. And when I look at that that just makes me want to vomit.

And so part of me is thinking that it will be a big turn off also for future partners and that no one will like to be with me because they will just be disgusted or so by what I did or well by me. That's one of the reasons why I am not comfortable sharing my history with partners or well even people, I just feel really disgusted by it and don't know how people will react. I fear that I'm going to be judged negatively because of that. I don't know if that makes any sense ?

[ 11-23-2007, 07:12 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Oh Cool. There is nothing disgusting about the choices you have made. Sure, some of them may not have been the soundest of choices, but that is what people do. They make crappy choices every once in a while. No one gets to be exempt from that.

I know that it can be easy to feel like a burden and like you're waaaay too complicated for normal relationships when you've got a complex history like that. But you know, Heather is right. There are so many other people out there who have been through stuff and get what it's like. You will find somene eventually and they will like you for who you are. Promise.

And in the meantime? Taking a break sounds like a great idea. Take some time off and focus on yourself.

And *big hugs* you way.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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cool87
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Member # 29292

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Well thanks, that was reassuring.

I guess I know it's possible but I just have a hard time convincing myself of it. Sometimes when you perceive yourself in a negative way, you sometimes expect people to perceive you also in that same way even though it's not always the case.

I just feel like I'm not worth any good caring partner and that is why I never ended up with one. Sure my last one wasn't like the other ones before, but we are not still together anymore and he complained about some of the stuff.

Maybe I should bring this up also to my counselor. I just have a whole bunch of things to talk about. I feel that people are just tired of hearing about my problems, that it is so overwhelming them or that they just don't care or find that I make too much of a big deal out of it. I fear that my counselor will become tired herself of hearing all about my stuff. And I fear I'm going to loose her or something. Most people I put my trust in and confided in, I ended up loosing them.

[ 11-24-2007, 09:12 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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You know, what you're saying there is pretty true: When you think negatively of yourself, you're not going to seem terribly appealing to others. Someone who seems unhappy with themselves isn't generally perceived as the perfect partner. Which is why I think it's such a great idea to use this time to focus on yourself, to learn to accept yourself for who you are and to learn to deal with your past. Once you start to feel better about yours, people will also perceive you differently.

And you are worthy of a good, caring partner. And you'll find him eventually, too. Just give yourself some time.

And definitely, definitely bring this up with your counselor. While you should always be able to share problems with your friends, friendships can get burdered by that sort of thing. But counselors are supposed to listen to you and help you out. It's their job. Your counselor is not going to get tired of you. But since this seems to be a general issue with being able to trust people, why don't you bring that up with her, too?

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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cool87
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Okay. I'm probably going to do that although I sense that she might already know about my trust issue. Thanks to you both btw ! That does make me feel better.

(May I just ask you something ? It doesn't have something to do with this thread in particular but I just feel that sometimes I might talk maybe a bit too much about the problems I'm having here on the boards. Is this overwhelming, bothering you guys ? Would you prefer I talk less about those here and instead just bring them up to my counselor ? Just feel free to tell me if that's the case. I ask that not only because I might talk about my problems a lot, but also because sometimes I get a feeling that it might be frustrating for you guys to see that either I haven't done what you guys suggested or that I didn't make as much progress as you'd have liked me to, something like that, you know ? I know I'm sometimes stubborn or like difficult or whatever. I'm complex. [Smile] It's just something I was wondering about.)

[ 11-24-2007, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Don't worry about your posts, Cool. The Volunteers here may sometimes act as 'teachers', of a sort, but we're not testing and you won't be graded. [Smile] Life can be tough, we get that, and sometimes it's helpful to just vent and get some support and some advice.

Of course, a counselor that you can talk to face-to-face and tell the whole story will help you a whole more than we ever could.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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