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Author Topic: My boyfriends new girl friend.
RaInYdAiZ007
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Alright. This has really been bothering me and I really need to get some advice on this.

So my boyfriend of nearly two years was in a play and met some girl that he thinks is pretty cool. She's only a freshman (he's a senior, myself a freshman in college) and apparently she's very 'mature' for her age. He's also told me that he jokingly hits on her, which I am not comfortable with at all.

I can tell that she has a crush on him by the comments that she leaves him and now they're talking on the phone. He wants me to be friends with her so that we have more mutual friends but I really do not feel comfortable with it when she's hitting on him left and right.

What should I do?

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Alatariel
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With regards to him "jokingly hitting on her", think that the best way to deal with that would be to speak with him. Try not to be confrontational. Just try saying something like "Hey, it sort of makes me uncomfortable that you hit on another girl, even jokingly. I'm fine with you being friends, but anything else doesn't really sit right with me." Or something along those lines. Saying how you feel, and not accusing him of anything would work best. Communication is important in this sort of situation, so that it doesn't fester and turn into resentment!
As for with her, I'm not sure what to suggest. I'm having the same sort of problem myself!

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RaInYdAiZ007
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Well, it turns out that they have exchanged cell numbers and screen names (i thought he had deleted AIM...apparently not.). I've tried to talk to him about it rationally but he always gets defensive and says that i should trust him and that he loves me and wouldn't do anything to mess our relationship up.

I'm really trying not to make this a big deal for us, but it's hard to trust a girl that i have only met not even three times.

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-Jill
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quote:
Originally posted by RaInYdAiZ007:
I'm really trying not to make this a big deal for us, but it's hard to trust a girl that i have only met not even three times.

Actually, this is less about trusting her and more about trusting him. He's the one in a relationship with you so he's the one who should be acting with consideration towards your feelings.

But even so, if meeting her would make you feel better why not take him up on his request that you try to be friends? Not only will that give you a chance to get to know her better, it will give her a chance to become invested in you and have motivation to make sure she's treating you and your relationship with respect.

--------------------
I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

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RaInYdAiZ007
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We're going out to dinner with her. It was his idea and I just went along with it to show that I'm trying.

But what is really getting to me is the AIM situation. Whenever I am around him and his computer, he won't sign on to talk to her. He was online already when I came over the other day and saw that she was the only one of his list. Even after he tells me that he is just SO tired, I see him online passed midnight, talking to her being my guess as to why.

He doesn't know that I've signed onto AIM in order to see this...How do I go about telling him?

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Heather
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Really, I can see why your boyfriend would be so defensive at this point. Chances are good that you're making acrimony with all the distrust that wouldn't even be there otherwise. And you know, it's a great way to ENCOURAGE someone to do what you are accusing them of constantly, or acting like they may be guilty of.

In other words, when girls get called sluts often enough, for example, often when they're not even sexually active (not that being so justifies that, mind), plenty will eventually say to themselves, "Well, hell, if I am going to get called that all the time, I may as well at least BE that and enjoy myself." People who have folks close to them who treat them like liars, cheats, etc.? Often winds up being the same deal. You have to extend faith to grow trust.

So really? I'd advise you stop snooping. And when he's on his computer -- just like I'd hope he'd do when you're on yours -- give the guy some space. Don't be looking over his shoulder: if you are, it's no wonder he doesn't want to talk to his new friend (or anyone!).

Per telling him, you might just try something like, "You know, I've been being kind of a snoop and I'm sorry. I was logging into AIM even, to see if you were talking to her, and I know that's kind of crappy. Obviously, I'm having trust issues, but I want to work on them and not be like this."

And like Alatariel brought up, if you need to sit down and talk about the rules and boundaries in your relationship, then by all means, do that. If you two need to define where your monogamy starts and strops -- or just revisit that discussion -- then do that. Maybe you both need to talk about what kinds of flirting you're okay with and which you aren't. Sounds like that could be helpful.

Just do also be aware that it's really healthy for people to have friends of all kinds -- races, genders, orientations -- and that getting hung up on opposite-sex friends doesn't really make sense. I've asked this of other users with issues like this before, but if your partner was bisexual, what then? Would ALL his friends be suspect? How might that feel for a person?

So, why not go out to dinner in good faith: not just to prove something that isn't actually so, but to meet this girl, be friendly and welcoming to her, and to be part of his friendships this way.

Remember, even if he IS attracted to her, monogamy isn't about not being attracted to anyone else: it's about choosing to be exclusive with one person, even though you may have romantic options with more than one. It's that choice that makes it meaningful. If monogamous people had only each other as options or people they were attracted to, it's be pretty darn meaningless, since that'd mean both folks were just accepting the only option and settling.

--------------------
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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RaInYdAiZ007
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Every time we go to talk about this, he either shrugs it off or gets defensive. But it's getting to the point where I just don't know what to do.

She randomly calls him and he tells her that he's busy when he's right next to me. Am I crazy for taking that as he doesn't want her to know that she called when we were hanging out?

And today he talked to her about how she sees their relationship and she told him that she does like him. After he told me that, he made a joke that they started making out and just changed the subject. That's just weird to me how he would play it off as some joke that obviously frustrates me.

This has gotten me so stressed and I can't figure out a way to just get passed it. I know that it's healthy for him to have other friends than myself who aren't just guys...but this is so very different from the other girls he knows..

How can I just get OVER this?

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Heather
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Sounds like, again, you just need to talk to both of them about this.

For him, for instance, how about you say something like, "It feels strange to me that when she calls you say you're busy but don't say, instead, that you're hanging out with me right now, like anyone would say to anyone calling. I think it's reasonable for me to feel weird about that, so can we talk about why you respond that way?"

For her, for instance, you might try something like, "You know, I want my boyfriend to have whatever friends he wants to have, but I don't feel comfortable with you joking about making out with him or with you voicing to him that you have feelings for him other than friendship when you know he's seeing me."

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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RaInYdAiZ007
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Thank you. I'll try it and see how it goes... I keep having to remind my boyfriend about the dinner because he doesn't seem to be really interested in it anymore.
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Heather
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Well, you can let him know that it's important for you and something you need. If he's not that interested anymore, you could always suggest that he stay home and you're glad to just go hang out with her by yourself, too.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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RaInYdAiZ007
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Ok. So this has what's happened.
We're hoping to go out to dinner this weekend, if her parents allow it.
They're talking on the phone more often than either of them will admit, I just know it. My boyfriend told me that if I keep making a big deal out of this, then our relationship will be in question. I REALLY don't want a freshman girl to ruin our 1 1/2 year relationship but I don't see how to resolve this.

Should I just wait until dinner happens to do anything about this?

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RaInYdAiZ007
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Ok. So this has what's happened.
We're hoping to go out to dinner this weekend, if her parents allow it.
They're talking on the phone more often than either of them will admit, I just know it. My boyfriend told me that if I keep making a big deal out of this, then our relationship will be in question. I REALLY don't want a freshman girl to ruin our 1 1/2 year relationship but I don't see how to resolve this.

Should I just wait until dinner happens to do anything about this?

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RaInYdAiZ007
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I don't know why it posted twice...didn't mean to do that.
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Heather
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It happens.

I would just wait this out until the dinner and let it go for right now.

Why wouldn't her parents allow her to go to dinner with friends?

Hey, also? I hear you kind of doing a power thing with her age/school year, and I'd strongly encourage you not to do that, not even in your own head. Don't make this a powerplay.

[ 11-28-2007, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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RaInYdAiZ007
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Her parents are ultra-controlling and conservative, so it's difficult for her to go out at all, even with her friends of the same age.

I know that creating a power struggle with this is a bad idea...I guess I just couldn't help it.

It'll be 18 months tomorrow for our relationship, so maybe that could help us both realize what's really important to us?

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Heather
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Well, maybe the situation with her parents will help you drum up some empathy for her. That sounds pretty awful.

And sure: go ahead and celebrate your anniversary. Just don't do it to try and prove anything. Really, if you get all hung up on saving the relationship, or "winning" your boyfriend from someone else's attention...well, where's the joy? In other words, are you two even enjoying each other much anymore? If not, sounds like focusing on getting back to THAT is a far bigger deal than a flirtatious friendship.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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RaInYdAiZ007
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About us enjoying each others company...
I'm sort of worried about it. I guess we'll see how tomorrow goes,

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RaInYdAiZ007
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Didn't mean to hit enter so soon...
But we've been fine that last few times we've hung out. I asked him if I call him too often or whatever and he told me no...I made sure to tell him that if I ever do get that way, to tell me.
But for two weeks now our relationship has been strained over this and if it doesn't end soon, I could definitely see us having serious issues.

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RaInYdAiZ007
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So...dinner happened.
And it could have been worse, I suppose. However, the girl wouldn't even look at me. I didn't realize that she liked my boyfriend so much that she couldn't look at me when I was talking a single time.

Was anything accomplished? It's hard to say. But the relationship between my boyfriend and I has been better lately.

Hopefully this will be one of the last posts over this whole...thing.

I really appreciate the input that you guys have given me. It's much better than my friends advice to just tell the girl to back off and be done with it.

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RaInYdAiZ007
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I really tried to avoid doing this, but I really need to vent.

It turns out that the two did not stop talking, but in fact began chatting on the phone every so often.

She called him one night while we weren't hanging out and asked him for a ride home from a friend's house. He was in the area and decided to do her a favor. A few days later, he got a call from her dad who accuses him of raping his daughter. My boyfriend swears that he didn't touch her and the girl apologizes for "making it up". He didn't even tell me he brought her home until he HAD to when all of this happened. That really hurt.

Even after she puts him through that, however, they keep talking on Facebook. I know I shouldn't have gone on his account, but when I did, I realized that he had lied to me about talking to her. I asked him if he had messaged her at all and he said no, when that very day I read their conversation on how she still misses him.

This has all really gotten to me and it feels like there's nothing I can do to shake the memory out of my head. I haven't told him that I still think about it because I don't know if it's worth the fight that would probably come from it.

What do I do?

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atm1
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Ok, I think the two of you need to sit down and have a serious talk about boundaries and trust in your relationship. It's generally not good to be snooping and invading his privacy like that, but it seems to me like you're doing it because you feel like he's hiding something. I think it would be good to calmly sit down and talk about trust and boundaries in general. You can use a lot of "I" statements such as "Lately, I feel sad that you don't want to tell me what's going on with ____" or something like that. Try to avoid saying things like "You must be wanting to cheat on me" or other accusatory statements. You might want to say that you feel a bit uncomfortable with his relationship with her and would feel more comfortable if he told you what was going on between the two of them.

I don't know if this will lead to a big fight or not, but you clearly need to talk with him about trust issues if you feel the need to check up on him by signing into his facebook account. I'd say that even if there weren't this ongoing issue with this girl.

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