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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Man I am getting frustrated (Page 4)

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Author Topic: Man I am getting frustrated
-Lauren-
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Having a crush isn't what many people deem horrible, y'know, though I understand why it has you freaked out. :)

Also, I happen to be a chick who doesn't go all ga-ga over someone I like, and prefer a person's company a lot in a non-direct manner. So it is entirely possible she's beginning to like you.. there's no need to rule out the possibility.

Go with your gut. If it's telling you to wait, wait. Keep hanging out and talking like you are, and maybe slowly add in a few more "date-like" activities and compliments to see how she reacts. Eventually, you should get a good idea of how you and her feel and be able to out with it.

A declaration of like doesn't have to be desperate or creepy. I distinctly recall shyly asking my bf out (who I'd "just hung out with as friends" for a month, btw, though we had definite like going on) by saying something like "Umm.. so.. my mom and sisters keep teasing me by calling you my boyfriend. And.. I don't hate the sound of it."

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A Posteriori
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I figured you guys might wanna know that we're dating now. Apparently she was feeling the same way and was just praying that I'd make the first move, which I kinda did.

This happened very fast and I'm still recovering. I mean, I just fell into this. I'll think of more to say later. But...

If there are any lonely, desperate guys out there right now reading my posts, I want to tell you what I've learned so far. If you ever want to "get" a girlfriend, you need to do just ONE thing.

(1) Make it your sole aim to better yourself *and* to become a more social person; to laugh a lot and talk to interesting people and make other people happy and make them laugh and...well...you prolly get the idea. If you're still assessing everything you do in terms of whether you're gonna meet your eventual "goals" (e.g. to check off the "had relationship/sex" box on your life's to-do list), you're not doing it right. Just genuinely try to improve yourself. That's it. That's all. Period.

Once you're out there having a good time, things just *happen* (thanks Lauren for unknowingly giving me my new life's motto). Simple as that. If you have social anxiety, talk to a counselor, get on medication, try to brave the unknown. Do what's scary and uncomfortable. You might just realize that everyone else is as scared and uncomfortable as you are. I swear to god it works.

What this all comes down to is: Get out there, but don't be "looking" for anything. Give to others what you most need to receive: respect, attention, compassion, devotion, etc.

Here endeth the lesson.

[ 01-16-2008, 02:09 PM: Message edited by: A Posteriori ]

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ASargent42
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Aw, thats great!! I'm proud of you, for making all this progress. Yay!

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Leabug
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Yay, I'm so happy for you, A Posteriori! And it's not just because you're now in a relationship- it's because it seems you've really taken to heart everything that's been discussed here, and took action to improve things in your life that you were unhappy about. Congrats, and I hope you guys have a blast together. [Smile]

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-Lauren-
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Yes! I just had a crappy day at work and this totally cheered me up. Good for you, A. Posteriori. It's so awesome that you stuck it out through this and learned so much.. enjoy the rewards! We'll definitely be keeping your thread in mind to show to other guys in your (former) situation.

Keep us updated or ELSE! :D

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eryn_smiles
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Hey, good on you :-) I hope lonely desperate women are also allowed to take your advice....
its true that making other people happy makes you happy. And that when youre concentrating on others youre not so self conscious about your own issues.

Have a great relationship, take care

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tbelle
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I just want to say that I read this entire thread, and found it to be very interesting and eye opening. It's rare to find a thread that actually charts progress all the way to eventual success. I know that this is geared a little more towards 'shy guys' but I am a shy girl and I have experienced a lot of this stuff. In a lot of ways, you (A Posteriori) have made a lot more progress than I have in terms of creating a social life and being more courageous towards doing that. I will bookmark this and try to take some of the same steps that you did.
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A Posteriori
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Hello all. You said to keep you updated. Here's some info on our sex life [Razz] :

The person I'm dating is a little older than me (2.5 years to be exact), and she's definitely used to taking things much faster. We both really like each other a lot, and only one issue has cropped up in four weeks: We've come *very* close to having "standard" P in V sex (a good deal of oral and mutual masturbation but not "all the way" so to speak), but I just don't feel comfortable with the idea yet. It'll be there when I'm ready, I suppose.

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Naphtha
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Wow, what a great thread! An important topic with some interesting voices. I thought I'd share my .02

I had a tough time all through my teens- HS and college. I wasn't unhappy, per se, but I was just lonely and couldn't put 2 and 2 together as to how to make friends. I was out and about and had a million social activities going on, but something just wasn't clicking. I think a few things contributed to this:

1. My older brother was both very popular and surly and demeaning to me. His friends all treated me like he did and so I got the picture that I was a loser and an outcast (coincidentally, I'm finding that this background makes it hard for me to be nice to guys, I often say unkind things to them just because that's how I think I should interact with them).

2. I've always been not exactly a loner, but I like quiet "me" time (I used to build forts as a kid and just sit inside quietly for hours). I've also not been the kind to have a large group of friends, mostly just a small group of close friends.

3. I was also about 30 pounds overweight and desperately trying to convince myself that I liked it. But I couldn't quite feel that great about myself or deserving of attention.

4. I was incredibly judgmental about anyone who had sex or sexual contact outside of marriage, drank underage or did pot. I clung to a sense of moral superiority because I didn't do these things (not admitting to the fact that it wasn't by choice!!)

So these things combined didn't exactly make me relationship material. But I had heard the advice to concentrate on yourself first, and people will be attracted to that... so that's waht I did for several years, but it still wasn't working. So last year, at new years, i said enough is enough. I joined Weight Watchers in January and started looking at the Craig's list personals section (btw, I highly recommend CL for dating. I was nervous about it at first, but I made sure that a friend knew where I was going, the date was in a public place, etc. and had only positive experiences.)

I want out on my first date at 21 (whew!) and it wasn't a love match but I gave myself a pat on the back for getting out there and trying. I made it a goal to go on one date per month. I also started going out with a group of classmates after class and not being so uptight about the choices that others made with their lives. It took a lot of courage but I let that wall down and it wasn't so bad, nobody blinked twice when I said I didn't smoke pot and I even let a few people know I was a virgin, and they continued to speak to me (gasp!)

Slllooowly I began to open up. By July, I had lost about 35 lbs and I started emailing with this guy on CL who I could tell was different, we really clicked... and that led to the first kiss... which led to a few other things that opened my eyes wide.

It was very unusual b/c/ this guy was 31 and VERY experienced... almost grossly so [Wink] And he was very used to moving much quicker than I had. I'll never forget the look on his face when I told him he was my first kiss lol. Anyways, I told him I was a virgin, and he (while not fully comprehending the idea) was cool with it and we did (ahem) other things and had fun. It wasn't a relationship, but it was something, and we're close friends now, we talk almost every day. (Kind of funny, he actually gave me some of the best advice I've ever gotten- he said that some things just feel weird until you do them enough. It's so true and I think about that whenever I do something that feels uncomfortable but that I know is good for me. Of course, he was trying to get me to go down on him when he said that, but whatever [Wink]

I am very glad to have some sexual experience under my belt now, and I must admit that I do almost all of the things i tisked at before (drinking, pot, etc). But I have not had sex, and I am glad. I chose not to partially for religious reasons, but for personal reasons, also. Looking back, I see how much I've matured over the past year (well, really since I was 14) and I recognize that I was just not ready (and still aren't, though I'm getting there.) In a funny way, my social insecurities kind of saved me from myself until I could look at the situation with some perspective and make a solid decision.

I'm happy to say that I now have a real live boyfriend (eee!!) who actually pursued me (it is nice to be wanted) and loves that I'm a virgin and is happy to give me the time and space that I need to take care of myself.

The only last thing I would say is that I don't think you can ever fully shake your insecurities and other issues, so get cozy with them. Get to know them so you can recognize when they pop up and not let them get in the way of living your life.

(Whew- sorry that was soo long!!!)

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A Posteriori
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That was a pretty cool story, and actually very similar to mine, esp. the bits about becoming less of a "square." My problem was that when I lost the squareness I lacked any coolness to make up for it, but I seem to be doing okay now. Do you still just have a group of close friends, or have you become more of a social butterfly?

A few months ago I would have never thought that women could possibly have the same problem as I did ("How could they?! They've got guys asking them out all the time!" etc.), but your story is just one of more than I few I've heard lately that have started to change my thinking.

Here's an update: Things are going great between us, but inside my head it's a different story. I never knew how a relationship could open up so many new insecurities that you never knew you had. She says she adores me, but I don't know if she's just being nice. I just don't know if I can "keep her" so to speak. Sooner or later she'll probably get bored with me (I'm a boring person) and move on. I find it unlikely that anyone would want to be with the real, unmasked me for very long. We're still not having "traditional" sex yet, but I hope I'm not testing her patience, 'cause then she'd leave and I'd be stuck feeling more like my old self than ever.

PS: Heather, that "checklist" on the main website is absolutely superb.

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Naphtha
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Well, I'm still struggling w/ friends, esp. since I'm still settling in Vegas and don't know many people. I have gotten to the point here I can socialize with people, make small talk, conversations, etc. pretty easily, but actual friends still take time. It's a work in progress.

And I'm also still working on feeling deserving of love, deserving of patience... recently I opened up to my bf abt my insecurities and needing reassurance that he's ok with waiting. This was a big step for me, cause whenever you open up to a new person you're never sure how they will react. but I did and he responded really well and that has helped me feel better about my choices. Again, work in progress [Smile]

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Echinacea
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After reading much of your posts I got the sense that you are feeling deficient and unhappy because of these perceived inadequacies. And I also, could relate to much of this, having also only just started college (it's my 2nd year) and being introverted. When I entered college I always thought of myself as intelligent but then I realized there were so many other intelligent people. However, intelligence is important but people are complex and intelligence has levels. And as for groups on campus, they are hard to break into but once I continued to attend I felt more involved. Everything takes time and everyone is new at some point and having the courage to do something new and make yourself vulnerable is amazing. remind yourself of your qualities.
In addition, you need to give yourself room to grow, you are spending so much time debasing all of your qualities that you are stunting your emotional growth. I feel as if the only person in your way right now is your own sense of self. Do some soul searching, keep a journal, draw, speak to a therapist/councilor at your school (if they provide free ones), and don't be afraid to ask questions and most of all to say what you want and need from your friends. Our generation is flakey and self-centered, remember that when you deal with your friends. And try to see if you can make some friends in those groups you joined. To do so? Try striking up a safe conversation with something like, "what year are you in?" which usually leads to "what are you majoring in?" etc. etc.
I also believe that if you think of yourself as unworthy of love and respect that comes out in body language. pay attention to how you stand, are your legs crossed with your arms across your chest? do you make eye contact? do you smile? when you speak to someone, are you listening to what they have to say or are you waiting for your chance to speak? do you try to contribute to discussions? do you ask questions?
I know, as a male, there are a lot of expectations that are built into your gender, such as being in control and having to be the initiator of relationships. However, these stereotypes are melting away with more females finding their voices.
My opinion is that although you may want a girlfriend you aren't ready for one. You need to find out how you can fulfill yourself and how to be happy with friends. I think you want a girlfriend because you believe that somehow with a girlfriend you'll feel better about yourself. However, it will, in all likelihood, have the opposite effect, i.e. you feeling more inadequate and this will cause problems for your girlfriend, as well. What you need is some time to yourself to find out what you really need and want in your life right now. I read something about you being in theatre in high school, join a drama group or participate in a play: team work occurs and you end up getting really close (as Im sure you know from past experience) and you may find people more suited to you.
Once you figure yourself out and become more comfortable with who you are then you'll be ready for a relationship with a girl.
good luck,
N

PS: I just read your above post, haha, you have a girlfriend. Well, my best advice, is hold onto what she is saying. If she adores you there is something cool about you, to her. What is the meaning of "boring" exactly? (I'm baffled by your degrading language and I think you need to see that this type of thinking only harms you in the end)

[ 03-18-2008, 09:22 PM: Message edited by: Echinacea ]

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"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep balance you must keep moving." Albert Einstein

"The most intimate connections are that of today and tomorrow"-unknown

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-Lauren-
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Actually, A. Posteriori was very receptive to the idea of improving himself, opening up in regards to his social life in general, and NOT just getting a girlfriend as a cop-out, which you would have noticed if you read the entire thread. He made it a point to join activities and even went to therapy, and as of the last update has found a romantic partner.

We were all pretty jazzed to see him progressing in such a rounded manner, so let's not shoot him down by making assumptions, especially after not reading his history, ok?

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Echinacea
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Lauren,
I just realized I hadn't read all of it, that is my mistake. And I wasn't shooting him down, that is advice meant to be respectful and caring. I didn't intend it to come off as "shooting down" and I do feel bad about not having read his history. But, it sort of seems stupid to delete that post since you responded to it.
I can admit to a very big mistake. I hope you will forgive me and so will he. I just didn't realize how long this was, in the course of a few months it looks like.
I shall read more now, because you made me curious.
(it is also funny because my advice has already been said..haha)
Best,
N

[ 03-18-2008, 09:50 PM: Message edited by: Echinacea ]

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"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep balance you must keep moving." Albert Einstein

"The most intimate connections are that of today and tomorrow"-unknown

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Echinacea
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One more thing: posteriori, I believe you are making great progress. And it is important that you continue to work through your issues. I also think it wise to try and let go of some of your reservations about opening up to others. The person you keep inside needs to breath, he is suffocating in there wanting so badly to express himself.
Again, I'm sure you're not boring. for heavens sake! look at how many people are curious about you? you want to know why? because we relate to you and we want to help;) And it is how we are related, connected in this web of experiences and personalities that makes us who we are. You are not an island and you are not impossible. You have come a long way.
You even have people standing up for you because they have become so emotionally invested in your story, go figure.
best wishes,
N

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"Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep balance you must keep moving." Albert Einstein

"The most intimate connections are that of today and tomorrow"-unknown

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-Lauren-
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(Cool beans! I see you did mean well, and thanks for clarifying and contributing. You're right that your advice could be very useful for another reader even if it doesn't suit the OP's exact setup. :))
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A Posteriori
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Hello again, everybody. Before I get to my main question, I'd like to provide y'all with an update:

I've been with my current girlfriend for 3.5 months, and things are generally going great. We have quite a lot in common (including personalities; it's scary sometimes), and we both like to tell each other how much we like each other, how attractive we find each other, etc. We genuinely connect on a lot of levels. What's more, we have an active sex life. She's a very confident woman, and has no trouble telling me what she wants and likes. We both have a ball, and I've actually never had difficulty helping her reach orgasm. My first sexual experience was quite unlike what I was told to expect. I've never had any trouble lasting long enough (the first time I actually couldn't come because I wasn't used to the stimulation), and she's been orgasming since the beginning. She actually had trouble believing I was a virgin. Simply put, we're pretty compatible.

There is one problem area of the relationship, though. She comes from a much wealthier background than I do, and sometimes I get very, very (silently) envious. Wheras most of my life I've had to deal with people holding me down (e.g. addict father, the fact that I'm mostly self-educated, etc.), she's had nothing but loads of emotional and financial support for whatever she wants to do. As a result, she's had a much more interesting life than me, and she's had way more life experiences than me. She also gets a lot more recognition for how special she is because she's always been in the right place at the right time for things to happen for her.

While I'm very happy that she's successful in almost every of her life (seeing her succeed and be happy makes me happy), at the same time I genuinely feel that even though I really am every bit as smart and talented as she is, and even though I work every bit as hard as she does, because of the resources she has access to she can "go further" than I ever could. She's done things in her life that I could easily have done had I had access to the resources and support to attain them.

I tried to talk to her candidly about this and see how I can work through these feelings. She was generally very nice and very encouraging but also incredibly condescending. She said that I was just as special and "wonderful" as she is but also that I shouldn't compare myself to her because she is "not the norm." This actually really hurt me because it seems as though she's saying that I shouldn't feel bad because she's just better than I am, and I should just accept my position in life.

I'm still trying to work all of this out (and I'm confident that I can given enough time), but this envy has got to be one of the most annoying, persistent, and negative emotions that I've ever felt. If anyone can offer me any advice on how to overcome it I'd be grateful. I really hope that I don't end up resenting how life has been slightly fairer to her than me. That's a very selfish way to look at the world.

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A Posteriori
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PS: I see that in my absence there's been some discussion! I think Ecinacea (sp?) is right about a lot of things, and I've done my absolute best to follow the spirit of her advice and that of others like her (or is it him?). I think I've gained enough self-respect and social competence (1) to survive without defining myself by what other people think of me, especially women; and (2) actually be capable of being attractive to women like my girlfriend, who never tires of telling me just how "amazing" I am. I have a much livelier social life these days, also.

Anyway, I think I've finally overcome many of the issues that were plaguing me when I started this thread last fall. For all of the guys out there who are like me, know that YOU too are amazing people in many ways and that things are not as impossible as they seem.

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A Posteriori
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Nobody? Well, I guess I kinda deserve it. I haven't really justified my presence on these boards by attempting to answer other people's questions. Maybe I should try to do that.

I promise I won't run away. [Wink]

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Emleigh
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Okay, so firstly I would just like to say that I took about a half an hour to read through these two pages, and they made me smile from ear to ear.

A Posteriori, your story was generally just inspiring. However, I would like to put my PO out there for a few seconds.

Firstly, maybe it's just because I live in upstate New York and we're all crazy up here, but I have never met a girl who isn't attracted to "a guy who doesn't know what they're doing." I think this is because women around my area tend to enjoy a bit of feminine power, if you catch my drift.

When a guy is inexperienced, I find it's easier to teach them. Personally I think that women should find an inexperienced man something like a treasure...as far as sex goes, he has no bad habits, so it's easier to mold him into a partner who can make you happy, and it's easier to figure out what he wants because you'll have fun experimenting in the meantime.

Secondly, guys who like to read and study in the library are sexy, end of story. Some girls don't think so, but I find that many do (obviously including myself, to be honest) and I would personally love to find someone who would cuddle with me and read poetry or something. It's like a scene out of a romantic movie, what girl doesn't like that at some point?

Thirdly, I'm impressed with this whole story. I hope life keeps going awesomely for you.

-Em

PS: I actually forgot to mention that I understand how you feel about your girlfriend and yourself coming from different...economic backgrounds. My boyfriend and I, among having other slightly issues daunting (we're an interracial couple) are also on different rungs of the ladder when it comes to money.

His family is a little worse off than mine, and I made the mistake of buying him and $80 cell phone for Chirstmas. He loved the phone, but he felt so indebted to me afterward I actually felt guilty about the whole thing. It was terrible. But eventually money stops being an issue. You don't notice because, really, it's the thought that counts, and if you really care about somebody, money isnt everything. You find other ways of expressing your affection than buying expensive things. Haha I learned that the hard way. =]

[ 04-07-2008, 09:45 PM: Message edited by: Emleigh ]

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A Posteriori
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Thanks much for your comments Emleigh. I like the bit about your economic backgrounds, although ours are more a matter of life experience. She's had a very successful, fulfilling, exciting and cosmopolitan life. I haven't. She's just plain better than I am, and I'm having a hard time accepting that. I wish we could be equals, but we just can't. I don't even know why she stays with me.
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A Posteriori
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I thought it might be time for a long overdue update.

My gf and I broke up about a month and a half ago, largely due to the issues I've mentioned in this thread and others. My abysmally low self-esteem just eventually became too big a strain on our relationship, and we both decided that it was time to part ways. While at first I had huge regrets, now I realize that this was an important experience for me. I'm working harder on improving myself and my self-esteem than ever before, and I honestly think I'm a much better (and wiser) person now than when I went into the relationship.

I can't tell you how many people have come up to me to tell me that they've noticed a huge amount of seriously positive change in my confidence since we started dating seven months ago. I now realize that I have plenty of options as far as dating and women go. One female friend even told that I've "become so much more confident and sexy since I got a girlfriend and started getting laid." Well, she just might be right.

Truth be told, though, I don't really have any serious desire to jump back into dating right away. In fact, after that 7-month rollercoaster, I'd rather just be with myself and my simpler relations (friends, etc.) while I have the chance. There are so many things I wanted to do for myself but didn't have the time for when I was dating. Now I have the chance.

Despite the fact that the relationship eventually ended, I think that I was more or less a fantastic partner for my gf. We had quite a bit in common, and on more than one occasion I really helped her through some tough times. I even literally got to sweep in and save her on one occasion, and I've never felt as good as I did the day after that happened.

Still, there were many things about her that I wish I could have changed, and I'm sure that she thinks the same. I only hope that we stay in touch after all of this.

[ 08-16-2008, 06:55 PM: Message edited by: A Posteriori ]

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A Posteriori
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Did anybody read this? Just wonderin', cause y'all seemed so interested before...

I'm not trying to be an attention hog. I actually think that some of you might have missed this who would want to read it.

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smokey
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I read it [Smile]
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-Jill
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Just to give you some feedback, it sounds like you've done a fantastic amount of growth since you've started this thread. You're even able to take something as difficult as a break-up in stride and turn it into a useful experience. I'm glad you're also getting some real-life acknowledgment of this -- you deserve it.

A few specifics: you seem much more self aware. You can recognize your good qualities and comment on them, you're aware of the areas you'd like to improve and you do so.

It's been fascinating to read this thread and watch your progress. While I hope you continue to share with us, I understand that there's just not as much to discuss when your life is on an upswing. However you've created something here that I think has been very beneficial for people to read, and will continue to be helpful for anyone dealing with the problems you're working your way through. Please continue to write the periodic updates and know that you're definitely contributing something worthwhile.

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Nailo
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I have to leave very soon, but I just wanted to say I just read this whole thread in one go, and loved it.

Addict father? Difference in economic situation with partner (as in he being richer than me)? Been there, done that.

And for the record, my boyfriend was shy as all heck when we started dating. He even admitted to getting desperate about having a girlfriend sometimes. I loved it. We started dating when he was 17. He had never kissed a girl before, and I had never had a kiss I wanted to have (yeah, long story). It has been amazing. And I have to say that I have consistently only been attracted to guys who are shy and who I feel would need my friendship and my trust.

You have come a long way. I don't know you, but I am proud of you!

--------------------
"Love does not make itself in the desire for copulation, but in the desire for shared sleep." - The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera

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