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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Man I am getting frustrated (Page 2)

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Author Topic: Man I am getting frustrated
anotherone
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I didn't read every post on here, but I still feel I should speak. Dude, just be who you are. Try not to let things get to you so much. You sound like someone who has a brilliant mind, and will contribute to the world in some way. Knowing that, I deem you more 'fit to live' if you will, than most people I have met. Granted my opinion doesn't mean much, but still... I have social problems too, I am incredibly quiet, do not seek out friends actively, and have been inevitably branned a 'loser' by society. But I deal with it, that's who I am. If nothing else, talk to people via the 'net. You're doing a great job from this point. So, they might not count as 'real friends', but it's someone who you can talk to, and will listen, right? I don't know, just trying to give some advice.
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-Lauren-
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While it's good to see you sharing your feelings on the subject, anotherone, I don't think it's too healthy to suggest one uses the Internet as a social crutch.

Sure, the Internet can be a godsend when it comes to extending one's social life and enriching real-world interactions, but it was not intended to replace real contact with real people. In fact, relying on communication with others in a medium in which you don't really have to "deal" with them sometimes only works to make one even MORE fearful of healthy real-world relationships, which just feeds the anxiety cycle due lack of exposure!

(I'm speaking from the vantage point of someone who did have therapy as a teen for social-problem-related Internet addiction as a younger teen, though, so I'll admit some degree of bias. [Smile] )

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anotherone
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No, you're right, it was a bit arrogant of me to make claims such as that. I hadn't really thought that one through totally, and I'm glad you HAVE corrected me, you never know what damage poor information can lead to. You are correct, one shouldn't wholly depend upon impersonal communications as means to avoid physical contact, but to use it to establish contacts. I guess better advice would be, instead to find at least one, good, true friend, and keep them. It sounds cliche, but having an honest friend can make worlds of difference in one's life.

[ 11-05-2007, 10:31 PM: Message edited by: anotherone ]

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A Posteriori
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I'm feeling more encouraged lately than usual, but I do still have some worries that I can't settle.

quote:
The faking didn't last long; once I saw people would react to me kindly, not in the ridiculous ways I imagined, it became easy to genuinely be confident and happy.
This hasn't been my experience. Every time I've put up a "front" and tried to be sure of myself and engaging with other people, they've reacted strangely. They shoot me a "what the hell are you doing?" kind of look. People already give me curt, disinterested answers when I try to ask them about themselves (where with other people they enthusiastically launch into a conversation), but trying to actually engage them and hold a conversation with them is a guaranteed failure. I really don't know why. I think it probably has something to do with them seeing me as a "quiet" one; one of those people that everybody looks at and says, "At least I'm not THAT guy." And I don't DARE ever step out of that role, cause that'll just make things worse.

Could anyone tell me how I can turn an acquaintance into a friend? I really don't know how other people do this.

PS: I have another question. Is it "weird" to try to talk to people more often after not talking to them very much for most of the semester? Or to try to meet them socially? I get the feeling that if I just out of the blue say something like "You wanna do X later?" they'll just think I'm strange and say no.

[ 11-06-2007, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: A Posteriori ]

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SFgrrrl
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"Is it "weird" to try to talk to people more often after not talking to them very much for most of the semester? Or to try to meet them socially? I get the feeling that if I just out of the blue say something like "You wanna do X later?" they'll just think I'm strange and say no."

Well, generally I talk some with people /before/ asking them to do something with me. Like talk after class, or to or from class, at activities, etc. Then say something like "hey, for my part I've enjoyed talking to you. Wanna grab lunch sometime?" And take it from there.

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SFgrrrl
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"I think it probably has something to do with them seeing me as a "quiet" one; one of those people that everybody looks at and says, "At least I'm not THAT guy." And I don't DARE ever step out of that role, cause that'll just make things worse."

Also, I'd just like to add that I think people very rarely react very negatively to "the quiet one". So personally I'm inclined to think there's something else going on here (either you're imagining the dirty looks, or they are there for a reason that hasn't occured to you yet)

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A Posteriori
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This sounds absurd, but I think I'm imagining the dirty looks. But somehow I've also managed to convince myself that they're REAL!!! Crazy, I know, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that people are *always* looking at me, waiting for me to mess up, and that when I do, they *must* roll their eyes and (silently) think to themselves "what a retard." I know it isn't reasonable to think this way, but I just can't stop. I even worry about eating in public because I'm afraid I'll mess up and I'll be embarrassed somehow. It's all completely nutty and crazy, but I can't stop!
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-Firefly-
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I know what you mean A Posteriori. There's actually a psychological term for feeling that the spotlight is on you all the time, and it's completely normal to varying degrees for teenagers and emerging adults. This is from my Psychology of Adolescence textbook, if you're interested:

quote:
The imaginary audience results from adolescents' limited capacity to distinguish between their thinking about themselves and their thinking about the thoughts of others. Because they think about themselves so much and are so acutely aware of how they might appear to others, they conclude that others must also be thinking about them a great deal.
So, it's easy to feel that if you do something stupid, everyone will think about it for a long time after, but most people are also gonna be focused on themselves, and worrying about the same things to some extent, so they won't remember if you do end up doing something you consider embarrassing.

As for the dirty looks, it's possible that you're expecting to see them, so you might be unconsciously looking for them, and then interpreting a look that might not actually mean that, as being dirty. (Hope that made sense)

So, don't worry, it's not nutty and crazy. I've often felt the same way, and I just have to remind myself that everyone does something stupid once in a while, and if I can develop a sense of humor about it, things will go a lot better for me. It takes practice, but if I can do it, so can you.

Hope this helps [Smile]

[ 11-07-2007, 08:18 AM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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cool87
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Just as a note, it's also something really typical of people with social anxiety and I'm thinking that's more likely what this is about here, especially given it seems to be at a level where it interferes with his life.

I understand what you are going through and I'm sure that is something that will get better with the help of a counselor. A lot of people have overcome this with proper help. Even though people are probably not all looking at you and judging you, your mind is fooling you into thinking like this. It's likely not something you can overcome alone. A counselor will be able to help you work on correcting those wrong patterns of thinking with you. One thing, among other things, that he/she could propose, is exposing you gradually to social situations that you fear, be it because you feel people will judge you, you'll do something wrong, all those reasons, in order for you to gradually realize that no, not everyone one is looking at you in those situations, that they aren't all judging you and all those things you are thinking about in your head when faced with this kind of situation. She/he'll also make you realize that if something do happen when you're in a social setting, like even in the worst case scenario, like if for example you fall or say something wrong or something like that, that even in this case, it isn't the end of the world and that not all people will be laughing and looking at you, will be judging you, all the works. And she/he'll also try to find out with you if there is something your social anxiety could be linked to, in some cases maybe not all though, it can be linked to something, an event that happened at a certain moment of your life and that could explain the pattern of thinking you may have. That's some of the things a counselor could do with you, among all other things.

[ 11-07-2007, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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Andromache
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There was this guy I knew at college last year. He was a little socially awkward, and he wasn't always particularly well-liked. He was also absolutely <i>desperate</i> to get into a relationship - and everyone knew it. Why? Because he'd stare at girls in class, he'd come up to groups of women and talk about how much he'd want a relationship, he'd have conversations with me about how lonely he was - and then leave, as soon as the guy I was dating showed up.

Why am I telling you this? Because this guy also had a lot going for him, and if he'd relaxed I think he would have been a lot happier. He was a really talented pianist, and he was a smart guy - he did well in his classes and people respected him for that. But he always came off as a bit "desperate", and so people never knew how to interact with him.

So, I guess my advice to you is, when you talk to people, talk to them about things that genuinely interest you - like computer programming, say - whether they're men or women; get to know a group of friends who'll really stick with you, explore your boundaries a bit. Give yourself some interest and definition besides wanting a relationship. And if you focus on making yourself happy <i>beyond</i> just wanting "a girl", I'll bet you anything you'll be more attractive to women, just because you won't make them nervous with your neediness. It's not that women only find confident men attractive; it's that women don't like to feel that they're being pursued <i>only</i> because "that guy's desperate for a girlfriend". You know?

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A Posteriori
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quote:
There was this guy I knew at college last year. He was a little socially awkward, and he wasn't always particularly well-liked. He was also absolutely <i>desperate</i> to get into a relationship - and everyone knew it. Why? Because he'd stare at girls in class, he'd come up to groups of women and talk about how much he'd want a relationship, he'd have conversations with me about how lonely he was - and then leave, as soon as the guy I was dating showed up.
Wow. I may be desperate but I'm not *crazy* desperate. I would NEVER under any circumstances actually talk about this with anyone, and if I did I certainly wouldn't go about it the way this guy did.

quote:
Why am I telling you this? Because this guy also had a lot going for him, and if he'd relaxed I think he would have been a lot happier. He was a really talented pianist, and he was a smart guy - he did well in his classes and people respected him for that. But he always came off as a bit "desperate", and so people never knew how to interact with him.
Believe it or not, I know that I need to relax. I just don't know how to do it. It's very hard for me to just "put something out of my mind" like other people seem to be able to. It seems like I just *always* have to feel anxious.

quote:
So, I guess my advice to you is, when you talk to people, talk to them about things that genuinely interest you - like computer programming, say - whether they're men or women; get to know a group of friends who'll really stick with you, explore your boundaries a bit. Give yourself some interest and definition besides wanting a relationship. And if you focus on making yourself happy <i>beyond</i> just wanting "a girl", I'll bet you anything you'll be more attractive to women, just because you won't make them nervous with your neediness. It's not that women only find confident men attractive; it's that women don't like to feel that they're being pursued <i>only</i> because "that guy's desperate for a girlfriend". You know?
Oh I know. I think my desperation probably stemmed from the fact that I'm worried that if I just let go and live my life, then it'll *never* happen. I wish I could just let go of all this crap, but for some reason I just can't.

I did go to a counselor yesterday and she "diagnosed" me with social anxiety disorder. Apparently the depression I've fallen into as a result of it is so severe that she wants to put me on medication. I'm not sure how I feel about this. If I can't solve my own problems by myself, then that's another *huge* problem in and of itself, isn't it?

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cool87
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I'm not too sure what you are asking here. Depression and anxiety disorders are not likely problems you can overcome alone without any help.

That said, I wanted to say that I'm glad you went to see a counselor. That's a pretty big step. As for the medication she suggested for your depression, any particular reason/worries why you don't really want to try those ?Counseling can for sure help a lot with those problems, but sometimes adding some medications to that counseling can benefit you even more. If you are resilient about taking those, then how about having a talk with your counselor about this ? I think this could be a good thing to do. Would it be something doable for you ?

Hang in there ! I know how hard this can all be. [Wink]

[ 11-07-2007, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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A Posteriori
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I was fishing for general opinions on what people thought about meds; whether they were just for crazy people, what have you. Thanks for the advice, as always! I'm going on a med now (plus the counseling of course). I wonder if it'll make a difference.

On another note I found an article on the main site that captures the insecurities in my original post perfectly:

quote:
Obviously, everyone who is waiting for sex, or a certain type of sex, can have different reasons for waiting. Too, a person's reasons for waiting might change over time, or if a person originally had wanted to wait, they may not want to all that much at a certain point. It should probably also be said that if someone originally wanted to wait for sex -- let's say, until marriage, or until a certain type of relationship came along -- that might feel different over time if they haven't had many opportunities to say no. In other words, it sounds like it's possible that a) your friend's reasons for waiting might not be the same as yours, and b) he might also be feeling like given a lack of real opportunities, this is less about him actively choosing to wait at this point than it is about him not even having the option to say no or yes anymore.
This is really the crux of the whole issue for me. I don't know what to make of myself. I haven't had the normal adolescent experiences at the normal ages. So what does this mean? Am I unattractive? Boring? Ugly? Am I too inexperienced at too advanced an age (19)? Am I insecure? If I am, is there any way I can break out of it in a reasonable amount of time? Will I have a chance once I do? Is it conceivable that anyone could like me as I really am?

All of these things have just been piled onto my mind in the last month or so. I wish I could get answers to these questions. It isn't even so much a matter of what the answers are. I just want answers.

[ 11-08-2007, 11:58 PM: Message edited by: A Posteriori ]

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cool87
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I'm really glad you decided to go on meds and also decided to continue the counseling. Good for you ! I'm sure this will likely make a difference. But this is something that might take some time, so it's important to keep on and not desperate. I'm pretty sure all your efforts will pay off in the long run. This is a condition that, with help, can be overcome or in some case, at least made better.

When it comes to sexual experiences, there isn't really normalities. People have sexual relationships at different age, it vary so much from one person to another and it's no big deal. We are all different. You are far from the only one at the age of 19 who haven't had sex or any relationships yet. And you know what, there is just no rush to, even less so when you're not in the sound space for it, when you're battling depression and social anxiety for example.

And not having had sex or any relationships yet does not in any way mean you are unattractive nor does it makes you ugly or boring. Really. And yes, I'm sure there are people out there who will accept you just as you are, who will like you just as you are. I have no doubts about that.

I'm guessing over time, working on those issues you currently have with a counselor will likely change how you feel about yourself. Those worries you have could also be something to could bring up to your counselor especially if those are bothering you a lot.

[ 11-09-2007, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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ErinK
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You know what? The possibilities for partnered sex and relationships are things that last our whole lives. There's no real set of "milestones" for when someone should have a first relationship, a first kiss, a first partnered sexual encounter that makes some people "normal" and other people "not normal."

Some people have relationships and sexual experience during their teens; some people don't. There are a lot of reasons why, and none of them mean that you're doomed to a life without relationships or sex.

I think that you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself that doesn't need to be there by acting like there's some kind of use-by-age-18 date on you that's now expired, and thus everyone's gotta throw you out. You're not a bottle of milk. [Smile]

It is absolutely conceivable that people could like you as you really are -- but only if you like you as you really are. However, it's not a race: you don't have to "fix yourself" by some arbitrary age in order to be able to have access to having healthy, fullfilling, and sexual relationships with other people. People in their 20s have relationships. People in their 80s have relationships! And everyone starts somewhere.

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Just passing through quickly...but let me toss a couple of things out at you.

From reading your posts, I'm seeing that you're really concerned about varying from what is "normal." There's a basic problem with this though...what the heck is "normal" anyway? Whether it comes to sex or just life in general, it's really hard to narrow things down to a certain number of normal experiences that occur at normal times. You'd find that broadly people have very different experiences.

I'm also seeing you making some assumptions about what attracts people to others and then deciding that you're not attractive based on those criteria. Without getting too academic on ya, research has shown some things about what attracts us to others and I'm guessing it probably will surprise you. Sure, we're interested in appearance...but we're actually attracted to people who look like us and like other people we know. Sometimes we're attracted based on similarities on any number of variables, other times it's complementarity (those who fill in the gaps for us). We also look for rewarding relationships. People like competency in any number of areas (even those that might seem silly to us at first...so not just your genius, but athletes, artists, people who are good at World of Warcraft...on anything!). We tend to form relationships with people we interact with on a regular basis. And also, we like people who share with us...this means disclosing the good and the bad (or at least the things we may perceive as "bad" too). I just wanted to toss those things out there as something to consider as you are making assumptions about the way other people are looking at you. I'd also suggest that there are more people out there with the same concerns and hangups that you have than you could possibly imagine. So you're not the only one.

It's great that you're in therapy, that's a good start on working on your issues. I'd also suggest that you might want to look into taking an Interpersonal Communication course if your college offers that. Those classes have a tendency to be very applied in nature and offer suggestions that might be helpful for you in terms of learning to communicate with other people. If you don't want to take a class, you might pick up a book. I'd recommend The Interpersonal Book by DeVito or Interplay by Adler, Proctor, & Rosenfeld. Those are text books. While I'd usually advise reading that's a little bit more fun, but especially if you're someone who likes to see the research behind the claims, it might be good for you.

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A Posteriori
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Wow you guys never fail to make me feel better with your wonderfully compassionate posts. I've had a pretty social week: I've joined two new activities (which I'm pretty good at, actually) and gone to my first party, where I really hit it off with several people. Most people were just as nervous and awkward as I was; so it wasn't hard to start up a convo because people generally appreciated it when I took the first risk and just started talking to them. I also successfully talked to a girl who seemed to be really enjoying my company for about half an hour. I don't want to look at this all Machiavellian-like, but it was very good practice. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not as socially inept as I thought.

I'm going to another one tonight where I hope the same thing happens, after this week's performance for one of the activities I joined. Man all of a sudden I'm really busy. I think I'm starting to get a life!

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A Posteriori
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PS: I overheard two girls talking at the party. One of them told the other that I was "really, really nice." Made my night.
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-Firefly-
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Congratulations A Posteriori! You've made some awesome progress [Smile] Keep it up, you're doing great.

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-Lauren-
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Holy moses.

I'm just passing through, but read this and just had to leave a reply. It's so awesome that you're wholeheartedly trying to get out and about, and slowly accustoming yourself to things not being so scary. Are you planning to continue with the counselor?

Also, if you find yourself feeling better overall, you might want to reconsider medication. Medication works only when somebody has an underlying chemical imbalance at the root of their depression; otherwise, identifying and tackling sources and causes of unhappiness or sadness is really the ticket.

I'm biased because I really regret being on anti-depressants for as long as I was, so take from this what you will. [Smile]

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A Posteriori
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Holy moses myself. Things are on the up and up. I had my first performance last night and the people involved are just as weird as I am; so it's pretty easy to talk to them. It's great. I had another instance of a long convo with a girl who seemed to enjoy my company. So more practice in talking to the opposite sex. Nobody's shunning me or calling me weird like I'd thought. I didn't go the party like I thought I would, but that was because I was so busy with other things that I didn't have time. I've got more stuff coming up this week, too. I'm finally getting out there and doing stuff. Let's hope things get better and I can forget about this "problem" of mine.

As for medication, I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do. Thank you all for your opinions and experiences. They're very informative and I'm sure they'll help me in making a decision. I'll give you another update tomorrow on how things are going. It seems like things are developing by the day now.

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A Posteriori
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Weekly Update:

So I just got back from a dance I went to after my second performance. It was great. I haven't had that much fun in a long time. What's more, I got to dance with a lot of people. I even (partner) danced with two girls, both of whom *really* enjoyed themselves. There was definitely a lot of for-fun flirting going on. [Wink]

I'm getting to know a lot more people, and I hope that this will pay off eventually and I'll have some kind of a social life. For now, just going to stuff and being involved seems to have opened up whole new worlds of people to meet.

It's hard, against habit, and sometimes a little awkward, but I'm DOING it. I'm starting to have fun, and that's definitely encouraging.

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A Posteriori
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I'm slipping a little. I just realized that what I've done in the past few weeks has been pretty small-time. I mean...going to a party, a concert, joining a new activity? Why the hell did I all of a sudden think that I deserved a pat on the back for doing these things that normal people do all the ******* time?! This doesn't change anything at all. I haven't advanced one inch toward having a more active social life. I'm not "out there having a good time." I'm not even close!

My situation hasn't changed at all. I don't have any new friends, I don't have a social life outside of the people I live with. I don't have any new phone numbers, and I'm sure that if I asked people to do stuff they'd say no. I've made almost no progress at all.

I'm back to feeling like this whole thing is hopeless. I don't see how I'm ever gonna be like those people with active social lives and lots of friends.

(I didn't feel too good about leaving this last paragraph up. I understand you're upset, but there are less aggressive, potentially-judgmental ways to express your feelings. I hope you understand!)

[ 11-19-2007, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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Hey there...you were doing something. You moved outside of your normal comfort zone. You made progress. Don't try to convince yourself otherwise, because you were the one to go to those social gatherings. It's not like you sent a body double. You went, and had a good time, and chatted with girls. You made an effort. Just because it seems like everyone else can do those things all the time and it's not a big deal for them, doesn't mean it can't be a big acheivement for you.

It sounds like you want to just give up. But you can't. Making friends with people, getting phone numbers, aren't always just things that happen automatically. I know with me, it takes several weeks of hanging out with people and getting to know them before i give out my phone number. So going to just a few parties isn't going to be instant gratification on that sense.

But just think- you went out of your way and had fun, and people saw you making an effort. I bet that the more social events you attend, the more people will start communicating with you more.

A Posteriori, You've made a lot of progress just talking about your issues in this thread. You have many people here behind you. I personally loved to read your posts about the social events you attended, as it made me happy to know that you were working on widening your social sphere. It may just be a little hump right now, but i'm confident that you'll get back out there. It's just going to take some time.

I know you can do this!! I have faith in you!!

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-Lauren-
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I totally sign asargent's reply. Don't get down on yourself!

I'm terrified of spiders and vomiting. Do I deserve a pat on the back when I'm able to swat a spider or convince myself I'm not sick and "safe" when I observe someone being sick? You bet your *** I do; phobias are very intense demons to fight, and a good majority of the population have them.

It's just like people say seeing those Subway commercials with the former overweight guy -- he doesn't deserve praise, he should have taken care of his body all along. True, he doesn't need the approval of millions or endorsements to appear on TV, but if he's more than a marketing gimmick, it's certainly an accomplishment to be proud of. You don't need to shout it from the roof to make it so.

So, do "normal" people go out to parties, trade phone numbers, and have no trouble with social interaction? Sure! Do "normal" people turn into sniveling balls of snot when a spider with very long legs (who is such a whackjob as to be triggered by the common name, written or spoken!) intrudes upon their territory? Nope. We're all a little crazy, and what is "normal", anyway?!

So, I guess this is a long-winded way of saying.. you're making serious progress, dude. Seriously. You were having a good time when you went out -- why not try it more? It seems you're only reflecting on it because you've regressed a bit, and that's ok. The key is trying again. Brick by brick, my citizens. [Smile]

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A Posteriori
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Thanks, all. I'm gonna keep trying.

I've still gots lots of issues, of course, and that's probably why I freaked out so bad. I mean, someone in this thread a while back said that I needed to be "out there and having a good time" in order for anyone to be attracted to me. It makes my heart sink to know that I'm so hopelessly far away from that. If I keep going at this rate, there's a chance that something might happen for me when I'm like 28, having basically done all of the growing up I *should* have done in adolescence. And there's something very shameful about that; not having grown up or "lived" when all of your peers were doing just that. Plus, at that age it's fairly likely that any woman will just reject me outright for being so atrociously inexperienced. I just can't win. I feel like I missed the boat and therefore I've failed.

I know that I'm not a bottle of milk, but I do hear my friends talk. I do hear people talk, and I know that inexperienced, awkward guys DON'T get into relationships. They just don't. Girls reject them outright. I guess the salient issue is that women are almost always virgins/single by CHOICE. They get into relationships when they want to, on their own terms. All they have to do is accept one of the offers they're always getting. They have guys express interest in them all the time; so they pick and choose and reject all on the basis of what they want, what the guy is like, etc. I feel like I'll never have that kind of choice. I mean, I'd be willing to get into a relationship with whoever will LET me, and I'm pretty damn sure that no-one's ever gonna let me. It's such a hopeless, undignified existence.

I worded the paragraphs above in the most strident tone possible so that people will be provoked to respond to them. I WANT to be proved wrong about these things.

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A Posteriori
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Perfect example of the sort of attitude I'm talking about:

http://badgerherald.com/artsetc/2007/02/01/male_virginity_can_b.php

Women can be anything they want. Guys have to be bed-hopping studs in order to even have a CHANCE. It seems like such a double standard.

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ASargent42
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That is SOOOOOOOOOO not true. Very few women may have the ability to just decide when they want a relationship with who and so on, but for most of us, it doesn't work that way.

And I personally go for the more awkward, geeky guys. So you cannot make a generalization about what all women want. And I could care less if my guy is experienced or not. If he is, well then maybe he can teach me something. if not, then we'll have fun learnign and experienceing new things together.

So I am living proof than not all women are the same. I'd rather be with someone inexperienced, than a 'bed hopping stud'. I'd rather be with an awkward, shy guy who stutters and mumbles, than a football playing, thinks-he's-Gods-gift-to-women jock. I was actually quite pleased to hear that some of my college aged guy friends were are still virgins, because they wanted to wait until they found someone special, as opposed to just having sex because they can.

if you want some more to think about, just like there are those guys who always get a girl, and guys who have difficulty in the relationship department, there are also girls who have the exact same problem. I feel the same way sometimes. It seems like every other girl always has a boyfriend, and i'm never good enough. But I know that it's just not my time at the moment. it'll come.

So again, it's just going to take time. Remember that just because you read something, doesn't make it true, and especially remember that everyone has their own preferences, so generalizations don;t always hold true. and I ferverently believe that that is the case in this situation.

[ 11-20-2007, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: asargent42 ]

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A Posteriori
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You know what? Your post made me realize something. What I've been saying is veering dangerously close to a bizarre kind of sexism. Why the hell am I so quick to generalize? If every generalization that ever popped into my head is correct (which it probably isn't, and it's quite arrogant to think that), then my life experiences would have been quite a bit different from what they were. I'm different in a lot of good ways, and I used to be proud of that. I wonder whatever happened to that attidue. All of a sudden I'm so convinced that everyone else is one way and I'm another...that other people don't have any variation at all.

That's so narcissistic, solipsistic, whatever! And it's just plain stupid. One person's experiences are no basis for any kind of (valid) generalization, and I should damn well ditch this sorry way of looking at things before I hurt somebody.

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A Posteriori
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quote:
I was actually quite pleased to hear that some of my college aged guy friends were are still virgins, because they wanted to wait until they found someone special, as opposed to just having sex because they can.
I feel like I should clear something up. I'm not this way by choice.

I'm not taking back anything I said in my latest post. I just felt like I make that clear.

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A Posteriori
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Uh oh. A friend of mine (who happens to be a lot like me) just asked a girl out. She turned him down, and he asked why. She told him that he was an otherwise cool guy with one "major" turn-off: sexual inexperience.

She's an otherwise very sweet girl, and he (and I) never expected her to say something like that. For some reason, hearing about this really shook me up. Right when I was just about to forget about all my old suspicions (girls hate inexperience, etc), this happens and throws me for a loop. I know it's not confirming anything, but boy does it bum me out...

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cool87
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You are talking here about the preferences of ONE girl and each one of us is so much different from one another per their preferences when it comes to chosing partners. So, really, don't let that wear you down. That girl didn't like ''inexperienced'' partners but that doesn't mean it will also be the case with every girl you'll encounter throughout your life. There are girls out there who don't mind about sexual experience that much, there's so much more than that. And it's worth remembering that it doesn't have much to do with how sweet a girl is, it's simply a matter of personal preferences.

I get how hard this is. Heck, I don't like being rejected either and I don't know a lot of people who like being rejected. Every one of us has had to deal with rejection or will at some point or another in their life. And if you do get rejected by one girl, this doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it might just mean that you might just not be the best fit for that specific girl. [Smile]

Besides that, how is your life going overall ?

[ 11-22-2007, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: cool87 ]

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(Well said, cool! :))
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A Posteriori
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Okay you guys are right, as usual. I need to stop mulling over the same ground over and over again, feeding my obsessive thinking. I need to forget about all of this somehow, because when I'm not thinking about any of these things everything just kind of falls into place without me noticing.

I'm sorry to keep wasting everyone's time with these frantic posts.

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-Lauren-
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Not at all. :)

In fact, yours has been about the most enriching, positive topic started by a shy person thus far. It's really great to see you pushing through and working so hard to make progress; bumps happen, but you convince yourself to get up and brush yourself off. You're doing great! Please keep updating.

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