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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How should I say no in a polite way?

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Author Topic: How should I say no in a polite way?
pinaki5
Neophyte
Member # 35426

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This may sound a little stupid...but still please give me some some advice.
I have been talking with a guy on the internet for last 1 year and we are quiet frank with each other. In fact, he proposed me last month and i accepted it. The problem is that i don't want any serious relationship right now, i mean i am not ready to get physical. He sent me a really obscene emoticon and when i pointed it out he just said that its only an emoticon and since this is what i have to do in future i should not be so shocked.When i said that im not comfortable right now he said that you don't love me i think. Now i am from a culture that is not really open towards sex but i do have an open attitude towards it. I believe that before going taking any step both of us should be ready to talk.My consent and my pleasure matters a lot and he doesn't understand this. He didn't even try even once to understand me after that. It sounds silly that i am crying over an emoticon but i really felt harrased at that moment and now that guy has lost his respect in my eyes. After that he kept using that emoticon in his messages and kept saying that i must give him my mobile number.He talks to me as if he has full authority on me and has a big ego. Now a little voice in me says to get away from all this because i feel this is good for me. I think i made a mistake of accepting his proposal.i just don't want to get offline without saying anything, i want to tell him why am i putting an end to the whole thing. I made a mistake and now i want to stop all this. i want to tell him that i can't get involved in this relationship - how should i tell him. How sould i bring up this topic?

Posts: 3 | From: India | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Really? You may know this already at this point, but agreeing to spend your life with someone you have never once even met face-to-face is a pretty serious error.

When we get to know someone over the internet, we only get to know ONE aspect of them, and an aspect which is pretty controlled in terms of how someone chooses to present themselves. Generally, we advise that someone who just even wants to start any sort of ongoing romantic relationship with a relationship that began online meets that person before they even decide to take the relationship at all seriously. But when we're talking about a lifetime with someone, it's not enough even just to meet them once: we should ideally be able to spend a lot of time with them, in very varied situations where we CAN find out about ALL of who they are as best we can.

Like I said, you may know this now, but just in case, there it is.

None of this sounds silly: this doesn't sound like a good guy, and it's a pretty mortifying situation to realize you've tethered yourself in any way to someone who isn't kind to us or isn't an awesome person.

Given this is an online relationship, I'd just send an email stating very clearly that you're sorry, but you no longer want to be in any sort of relationships with him, for various reasons 9and you don't have to list them), and you'd like him to stop contacting you. There's no need to go into any depth here -- again, while online relationships aren't by any means valueless, a relationship where you haven't even ever spoken on the phone to someone, or felt safe enough to do that, really isn't a very serious relationshop -- heck, it's barely a casual one. So, it doesn't require a whole lot of fanfare to terminate. And if a person is harassing you or starting to, the very best thing to do is draw a very quick end to your dealings with them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pinaki5
Neophyte
Member # 35426

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Thankyou Heather.
whatever doubts i had are clear now.
Now i can really asses the whole situation from a practical point of view and i have realized where i went wrong.
That guy talked to me nicely about many things but i now know that was just his ONE side.

That was my teenage mistake.
clearly there is no space for emotions now for getting out of this relationship because it was never serious. I made it serious in my own mind.

Thanks again. i just posted this problem without knowing what i really wanted from this site but now i have got my answer.
my problem sounds stupid but for me it is very quiet serious.I'm putting an end to all this and i will take it as an experience.

Posts: 3 | From: India | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It doesn't sound stupid at all, pinaki. Situations like this are tough to sort out and deal with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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