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Author Topic: Am I being unfair??
PunxPride
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Member # 33204

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I have been in my long distance relationship with John for 1.5 years. He only lives one hour away. We always hang out once during the weekend, never really during the week due to school/work/etc.

He always drives to see me. My car is older and is not safe to drive that distance, and the issue was never really pressed because this was known getting into the relationship.

Lately he has been dropping hints that he would like me to make more of an effort to make it down there. This is not a money issue because I do offer gas money, buy dinner, or in any way make it fair since I don't make the drive. They are subtile, "kind" hints that have just started coming up. Like, "Man, the drive is really getting boring now." "Ugh, I'm starting to fall asleep on my way here." "Do you think you can borrow someone's car and come see me?"

I don't want to borrow anyone's car, and I'm not going to buy a new car because I love the one I have. Besides the fact it's foolish to buy a new car so my boyfriend can sit at home. hahah

Otherwise things are great/normal. Just these hints. I don't know what to do. Lately I have just been distancing myself a bit. It hurts me a lot because now I'm starting to think maybe I'm not worth the drive anymore. And if this is the case (which I have said and he denied, but still...) I need to distance myself to soften the blow for the breakup. But he says I'm still worth it, it's just "boring."

What can I do/say to this now??

Thanks so much for helping!

Posts: 7 | From: Midwest | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
faifai
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I don't think you're being unfair - as you said, it's not a money issue since you do offer to compensate him for the money he's spending on gas. I think perhaps your boyfriend feels like he is making "more of an effort" than you are because he's always the one driving. I think you should talk to him and acknowledge that while he does do all the driving and you appreciate it, it is because your car is older and unsafe to drive that far. It's not that you don't want to go see him, it's a safety issue.

If he thinks the drive is boring, perhaps you could surprise him with some mixed CDs to listen to on the way over, or talk on the phone?

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disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in*

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
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I'm going to offer a different opinion here. I was in a relationship a few years ago where I did all the driving for the same reasons and while I enjoyed it at first, it did get old.

If you live an hour apart he has to spend two hours driving to spend any time with you whatsoever. That's a big chunk of time and it's easy to feel taken advantage of after being to only one to have to sacrifice that time -- especially after a year and a half.

When I was in your boyfriend's position it definitely wasn't about feeling my partner wasn't worth the time but I was starting to feel that he felt that way about me. Since he's only hinting that he's having a problem with your current arrangement, why don't you be proactive and initiate a conversation about it? You may be able to find something that works better for both of you.

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I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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Would it be possible for you to take the bus to see him or get a ride with a friend once in a while? It's understandable that it wouldn't be too often you could do those things, but maybe just doing it even once in a while will show him that he's not the only one going out of the way to see the other, which might be what he's feeling now.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Leabug
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I've got to agree with Jill here. I'm in a similar position as you- I don't have a license yet, so my boyfriend does all the driving to see me (since buses aren't always practical). After things being like this for 5 years, he sat me down and said he wished I'd get my license, not only for the sake of my own independance, but also because he felt like I wasn't willing to put in effort for him. (After all, giving money isn't the same as making an effort that they can easily see, you know? I've been paying for gas all this time myself. [Razz] ) I decided it was only fair for me to get my license, and I'll be taking my road test soon, just so he doesn't feel taken advantage of.

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Lea

Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
yohopanda
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I was on the other end (and still am) of this. My fiance doesn't have a license, so I am his ride. Last year it was really hard because he was going to his university over the hill, so I would drive him up, we'd sleep in his dorm room, and then we would drive back home. Driving over a mountain 8 times a week is tiring, and I will admit that I complained. When he realized it was really hard on me (and my poor car), he got his permit and is learning how to drive. I never really felt that I wasn't worth his time because any time I was feeling not up to driving the mountain, he'd offer to take the bus (but I always said no of course, but that's besides the point).

I agree that you should just talk to him about it. Just tell him that you do appreciate all the work he does to come see you, and that once you get a better working car, that you'd be happy to make the commute.

Posts: 26 | From: California | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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