This might be a bit of a story... Iíve been dating, and now living with my girlfriend for some time now. In the beginning things tended to move really fast, sometimes too fast for me I think. I guess a lot of this was dependent on her personality and I went with it. I mean we were just friends for a month and then things took off really fast from there. Donít get me wrong there were some good moments in there. My problem is now it feels like we arenít even going out anymore.
We have some major differences such as she likes to sleep a lot where I like to get up and get into life and get things done. Iím basically a 100% introvert; she is the opposite and tends to have to be around people all of the time. She is also very much a talker, and I sometimes want to come home from work and just ďchill outĒ so to speak rather than a full on chit chat.
Now here are my problems, as much as I want a successful relationship, I want to also succeed in other areas of my life. I am studying a degree at almost a full time rate (which I have been doing for a while), and also working full time. I am also an avid musician. Unfortunately when we first meet, whilst I was still studying and playing music to some extent I wasnít spending as much time on these areas as I am now. I am falling behind in these areas and I want to do well in them so I am spending more time on them now. So thereís the first problem, she thinks I am not spending enough time with her. And I seem to get the cold shoulder or ďYou are lateĒ if I have to finish an assignment for Uni. Am I being selfish?
We talked about visiting my family soon (who live in another country), and had plans to travel the world after we save money and finish studying (she was supposed to be studying too but gave up). The other day she impulsively went out and made a major purchase (on finance), which in turn has affected all of these plans without discussing it with me. Travel plans, music and studying were all discussed at the start of the relationship and seemed to be mutual. And, certainly study isnít going to go on forever.
What has happened after this is now she is spending loads of time with other people and when I come home it seems she just doesnít care about me anymore. She doesnít seem to show any affection towards me. I stopped been Ďintimateí with her a while ago because it really didnít feel right because of the vibe I was getting off her but now she doesnít even really cuddle or snuggle up with me. Iím still young! I really want all of the areas of my life to succeed. But does this mean we are incompatible? Or does it mean I am being really selfish? I always thought you could still grow as a individual in a relationship. What should I do? I really donít understand.
Honestly, I don't think you're being selfish at all for wanting to focus on your future - your studies, your work, and your important hobbies are definitely things that deserve your focus and attention, and it's up to you to prioritize all of these things. It sounds like right now in your life, your priorities are invested in your future over a relationship, and that's TOTALLY okay and isn't selfish for you to be invested in yourself and your future, but it's also okay for your partner to not want to keep the relationship going if she can't accept those priorities.
What I think you need to do now is sit down and seriously talk with her - let her know where you are in your life now, what your feelings are for the relationship, what you may want to do from this point, and ask how she's feeling about these same things. It could very well be that you two are just at different enough points in your lives right now, that with what you each want, you're just not going to work out. You won't really know if you don't speak directly to her about it.
Just as a last point:
I always thought you could still grow as a individual in a relationship.
You most definitely CAN and SHOULD grow as an individual while you're in a relationship; but sometimes a relationship in which two partners just aren't on the same level, it can be difficult or feel stifling. If you feel you aren't able to grow right now as an individual in this relationship, that may be a good sign that you do need some time to focus on YOU, outside of a relationship, and that once school is out of the way and you're feeling more stable, then you may be better set to make time for a relationship, as well.
-------------------- Jean aka dailicious Scarleteen Volunteer Love us? Want to keep us in your lives and hearts? Give what you can! Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005
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