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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I over-analyze everything he does/doesn't say or do.

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Author Topic: I over-analyze everything he does/doesn't say or do.
Member # 34427

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This is lonnng so if you read this, thanks in advance!

A little background: I'm 18, and I'm recovering from an eating disorder (having a REALLY tough time by the way because my therapist left her position right when this relationship started, when college is starting, etc.). I'm very insecure. I'm in my first relationship; my boyfriend and I have been together 2 months, known each other for 3. He's in his second year of college, I'll be a freshman (we're at different schools, 1 hour away by bus).

I over-analyze A LOT and I don't know how to stop. I'll let you judge for yourself - can you tell me if any of these things that I think about are justified or if I'm just being too analytical?:

**If we're talking on AIM and he doesn't say "talk to you later beautiful" like he usually does, but instead says simply, "ttyl" and leaves off the "beautiful", my mind immediately goes to bad places. I think he's not interested in me anymore, or that I'm not important to him ("beautiful" is the only "pet name" he calls me. He doesn't seem to be into the "babe", "honey", etc. which makes me kind of sad and feel like less of a girlfriend. I really want him to call me those things, and I want to call him them too! But I don't want to make him change or say something that isn't "him"). I get pissed (I hold it in though so I don't seem so demanding) when I ask him how his day is going, and it takes long, silent pauses for him to ask how MY day is going.
**When he left for school yesterday, he came online and said "i gotta run, but i just wanted to say hey. i'm thinking about you like crazy". I told him, "It's only been one day!" (I wanted to say the same, but I said that to sound less clingy), "lol i know". But today when we talked online he didn't tell me he missed me. When there's a lull in our online conversations, he usually tells me that he's been thinking about me all day. He didn't do that today, although it might have been because he was getting settled in his dorm?
**I feel unwanted when he'd rather party than hang out with me. When I ask him when I'll see him next, he says, "Well, I have to hang out with these guys tomorrow, Wednesday is gonna be a drinking night with a few people...maybe Thursday, I don't know." I don't show it, but it disheartens me a lot that he doesn't want to spend every waking moment with me. I mean, wouldn't he want to when he says the things he says to me? Though, now that he's back at school he told me to come visit whenever I can, but that he also wants me to get active in school, make new friends, not rearrange plans just to see him, etc.
**I used to get 2-3 texts from him a day saying how he was thinking of me, or counting down the hours til he got to see me. Then something happened with my phone or something, because I stopped getting his texts altogether (It wasn't that he had stopped texting me, he told me he was doing it 2-3 times a day and running up the phone bill and that his dad was mad at him for it. He told me he couldn't really text me anymore.). Those texts made my day so much better. They made me feel loved, but not getting them and now having to rely on him calling or coming online makes me insecure. I wish I could get that affirmation from him again, but I don't know if it's okay to say, "Message me on facebook and tell me that you're thinking of me like you used to text me, it makes my day so much better!" I'm afraid I'll sound even more needy, like the pressure is on him to "cheer me up" or something.
**I'm jealous of the fact that he has friends who are girls (even though he's told me that he's not interested in them like that, that they're "kind of weird" and "have their own little worlds"). I'm afraid he'll meet someone else at school and cheat on me.
**When we're making out, it always leads to sex if we're alone. I feel a bit used. Not 2-3 minutes into it, he'll start dry humping me (or if I'm on top of him, he'll grab my butt and move me up and down on his crotch) and tell me, "let me f*** you", or "I want to jam it in you/be inside you so bad". I've tried telling him "I need more foreplay", or that I just want to kiss him. But he'll guilt trip me by saying, "I'm sorry, you're just driving me nuts. Please let me f*** you." I don't orgasm from sex, although I really enjoy the closeness. So I give in and have sex with him. But sometimes, I just want to make out with him like when we first started dating! I know he's concerned about my pleasure, constantly asking if what he is doing feels good, asking me afterward how it felt. It actually puts pressure on me and I can't enjoy it. One time, I started moaning softly and since I'm completely silent during sex (he isn't, says how good I feel, etc.), he took that as a sign that I was close to orgasm and said "Come for me." I said "That's a lot of pressure, there" and he apologized.

I think some of the over-analyzing has to do with the fact that I have no friends (I'm adamant on making new ones when school starts though), and thus have a lot of free time to let my insecurities take over. Also, since I have no friends the only people I have to turn to for advice are online message boards and my parents. My parents are very protective of me and although they like him a lot, they are quick to antagonize him when I tell them he's out at a party or he hasn't called me yet, or whatever. Then I think about their reactions (usually an indignant "hmm", or "If he really wanted to see you, he'd come over") and start to believe them! But on message boards, people tell me I need to chill out, that I'm too clingy. I really want to distance myself from my parents for that reason - they just feed into my insecurities.
I'll admit, the endorphins rushed to my head the first two weeks we were going out and I said something premature - I told him I was falling in love with him. But I felt comfortable saying that because 1. he asked me to be his girlfriend 2 days after we met, 2. told me all of his problems go away when he is with me, 3. texted me things like, "I dunno why but it feels like i can still smell you and feel you at times" 4. constantly tells me I'm amazing, incredible, great, how lucky he is to have me, 5. we spent almost every day of those 2 weeks together.
I would reply with the same things. He told me on the phone that it freaks him out when I say he's amazing because he doesn't think he's that great and he feels uncomfortable when anyone holds him in high esteem. But during the same conversation, he told me "I have fallen for you so hard. I've never felt this way before." I asked him if that scared him, and he said that it kind of does (he "never got to the term 'love'" in his 2 previous relationships. He doesn't throw the word around lightly because he said he's seen friends do that and then go and cheat).

I like to do random acts of kindness for people, especially him. I found him a link to a shirt he wanted, I give him scalp massages when we're laying together, I made a mix tape for him, and I'm overly hospitable when he's over. He also gets tired very easily because he had cancer, and apologizes for it all the time when we're together because he feels like he is boring me. I hold him in my arms and stroke his hair and tell him to sleep, and that he is *never* boring me. He exhaustedly told me one of those times that I was "the greatest"; I asked why, and he said "...just, the way you treat me, like right now. I've never been with a girl like you. You're the only girl I can be around 24-7 and not get bored." But he doesn't reciprocate - he doesn't do anything physically/emotionally that backs that up. One of the boards I posted on said he may be taking advantage of my generosity, thinking he doesn't have to "win me over" because I go out of my way for him (I tried to distance myself from him a little bit and noticed that he reached for my hand more, touched me more, etc.). Or are my expectations just too high?

The only time he's gone out of his way to do something nice for me is when he surprised me by coming to my house with roses. But later that night, we had a discussion about friends vs. me. Earlier in the week he had made plans to spend the night Wednesday, and then have me help him pack for school on Thursday and Friday. His friends came over for a movie night and he was asking them what their plans were for tomorrow, Thursday, and Friday. I was miserable the whole movie because I felt like he'd completely forgotten about us. He couldn't figure out what was wrong, but I told him I couldn't tell him while we were all trying to watch a movie. We talked after his friends left. I told him I was hurt that he was making plans with me and then changing them. He told me that he had forgotten, and that he says stuff like, "What are you doing tomorrow?" to his friends all the time without thinking. He wondered if I was expecting to be alone with him the whole three days, and I told him no, I just wanted to be with him before he went back to school. He asked if it was okay if his friends were around too, and I said "Absolutely! I want you to hang out with them. It's just that I'm miserable this whole week with nowhere to go, and it's only Tuesday! [I'm home alone while the family is on vacation, and I can't drive because of epilepsy]"
He said, "It's just that I'm trying to balance friends and you right now and..."
"I know. I feel like I'm smothering you."
"No, you make everything in my life better when you're around."
"Which is exactly why I want to be with you [long pause..]. When you surprised me today, that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me." He looked at me and kissed me, and we went back to my house for an hour.

-My feelings of insecurity go back and forth. For instance:
**I felt really good when we reunited after going a week without seeing each other. We were watching a movie, and he whispered out of the blue, "I missed you" and hugged me tight.
**When I told him I was upset about him bringing me to a party where: the host (a girl) didn't like me, everyone knew everyone and I was the odd one out, and he ignored me most of the time, he comforted me. He apologized for not thinking about me being uncomfortable ahead of time, and when he saw that I was still upset, he said in a really gentle voice, "Hey, hey. Don't be upset. What's wrong?" I told him I was worried about losing him when he goes to school, he said "There is no one I'd rather be with." And he kept reiterating, "We will make this work. Don't worry." The ride home from the party, he played my favorite Tom Waits song as soon as we got in the car. We held hands the whole time he drove (it's a regular thing we do), and when these lyrics came on: And Martha, Martha, I love you can't you see? he squeezed my hand tight and tapped our hands against my face to the beat of that one lyric (I'm still wondering about that - was he trying to tell me that he loves me?).
**And Friday, the day before he left for school, he came over my house. He asked "What's on your mind?" (he usually asks me that when I'm not OMGsuperspunky and thinks something is wrong) and I said "You. I'm just happy you came over." He replied, "I had to." That made me feel great, like he was coming to see me because he wanted to, not just to appease me.

Advice? Thoughts?

Posts: 13 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17971

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Honestly, yes, you are reading far too much into things. But what's worrying me is that you're seeing "signs" of things going wrong when there doesn't seem to be any indication that your doubts are justified.

Leaving out the "beautiful" at the end of a conversation isn't a sign that he doesn't think you're beautiful anymore; rather, he probably doesn't know that you enjoy your pet names for each other and would like to do that more often.

Feeling unwanted and hurt because he wants to hang out with other people besides just you, especially if they're female friends, also isn't a sign that he doesn't want to be with you - it shows that he has a happy, balanced like with friends and romantic partners and family. While it is entirely valid to feel upset if someone made plans with you and then forgets about them, it's hard to maintain who you are as your own person and not one-half of a couple if you cannot balance friends/family/school/dating/etc.

A few things did stand out to me as being particularly noteworthy. First, if you want him to express that he misses you, verbally or texting or whatever, it's totally ok to say that to him. Some people (myself included) like feeling reassured in this way. It will only lead to trouble if you say things just to appear less vulnerable if that's not how you really feel. The same goes for wondering if he was trying to express that he loves you: if you're curious, it's best to talk about it with him.

I think you are totally right in saying that a lot of this probably comes from the fact that you don't have any real friends outside of this relationship. Taking a step back and making sure you have a life outside of being with him is SO important. Try to make friends, or immerse yourself in a hobby you love, regardless of whether that is renting obscure movies, or attending art shows, or whatever. It will only make your relationship even better if you're both independent and as amazing apart as you are together.

[ 08-26-2007, 07:14 PM: Message edited by: faifai ]

disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in*

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34427

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Thank you for the advice. So that's all normal? Although I'm glad to hear it is, I feel so out of touch with reality now. [Frown]

But what's worrying me is that you're seeing "signs" of things going wrong when there doesn't seem to be any indication that your doubts are justified.

How do I stop doing this?? I don't want to continue this pattern!

Also, he told me online today that he would call me tonight. However, two minutes later he left a note on a girl's Facebook wall that said:

"I am sooo sorry I haven't been in touch with you lately!!!!!! I will call you later tonight hopefully, and i got to be taking it easy on da hookah lol. [she wrote a note on his wall encouraging him to do hookah]"

This girl friended me, which prompted him to ask how I knew her. I assumed by his reaction that she was an ex, but he said she is just a very good friend who moved to Tennessee that he hasn't talked to in a while.

What if he doesn't call me? Should I let it go? Or should I mention that I know he had plans to call this girl the same time he was going to call me (I'd be tempted to do this if he did call but cut it short)? The friend is listed as in a relationship, so I really shouldn't be worrying. But there's this doubt in the back of my mind.

[ 08-26-2007, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: apocalipstick ]

Posts: 13 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Honestly, I think this last scenario is a very good validtaor of the notion that while there are great sides to the 'net and wireless communication, there are some serious downsides, too.

Like being far TOO connected to people, and having the ability to track their day without them personally sharing it with you. Yikes.

Honestly, I'm concerned that you're checking his facebook - or staying logged on -- within mere mintutes of talking to him. Sounds to me like you need to step a bit back, gal.

So, no, I would not bring up that at 11:30 (or whatever) he said he'd call you, but at 11:32 he told someone else he called, and since he didn't call you, was he caling her instead? Can you see how that looks and sounds? I know y'all are used to this kind of thing to some degree, but if I had a girlfriend say something like that to me, and be that intense into tracking my whereabouts, I'd be pretty creeped out.

So, as an eaxample per stopping patterns, with something like this, you plan your evening accordingly, and be available for if he calls, but also be occupied if he doesn't. And if he doesn't, then he just doesn't: doesn't much matter whay, does it?

In other words, especially given this is a BRAND new relationship, you don't attach yourself to it and try so hard to control it this much. You let it breathe, and slowly work its way into your life, rather than taking it over. And you accept that things are really ONLY healthy that way. Obviously, you have some things you DO need to verbalize -- the sex issues seem huge, for instance, and you do need to make your needs clear verbally -- and talk about to get and keep things in a better space, but you also just need to let some other things go, and give this some more room to breathe than you are.

Otherwise, everyone in it suffocates eventually. [Frown]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I also wanted to add that since you're starting your first year of college, it's a GREAT time to make new friends, because everyone else is in the same boat: looking to make friends. If you stick around for the first few weekends, there are bound to be lots of activities and things to keep you occupied so that you're not worrying all night about exactly what time you will talk to your boyfriend.

You said that you worry he doesn't think you're beautiful if he doesn't say it every time you talk... maybe he thinks it will seem fake if he says it all the time, like he doesn't actually mean it. I don't mean to suggest that it will be fake, but maybe mentioning to him that you love it when he says that will help him realize that it's very special to you.

Posts: 213 | From: Spain | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34427

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1. And if he doesn't, then he just doesn't: doesn't much matter whay, does it?

Maybe it's because I have no social life right now, but I feel like it does matter. He said he would call, but didn't...does he not miss me? Am I, in fact, *not* on his mind "all the time" like he says? I get what you're saying, it's just hard to accept.

And while I'm on the subject of having no social life: I miss him like crazy. I ran a lot of errands today (I thought by doing so that I wouldn't feel so OMGIMISSHIM!!), and still - when there was a 5-hour lull in between talking to him online and talking to him on the phone, all I thought about was how much I miss him. How it's only been 4 days, and I don't see him until Saturday!! I said "I miss you" on the phone, and he said he missed me too, but that "it'll only be a few more days." I laughed and said, jokingly, "It's only Monday!" He said "I don't know why, it feels closer than that." I replied (again, jokingly as to not sound pathetic), "That's cuz you've got stuff going on!" He said "I know...I'm sorry." (Interestingly, when he was home from school, he would tell me what I tell him - that his work day was going to go by so slow because all he'd be doing was thinking of me and counting down the hours until he can see me.).

2. I did have a little realization after getting off the phone with him tonight, though. He didn't call the other girl last night (although I guess he might have tried and didn't get a hold of her...ugh, I have to stop doing this), so when I was worrying that he had cut our call short to talk to her instead, it wasn't that.
He called me tonight at 9:30 but my phone was on silent and I missed his call. I called back 10 minutes later and didn't get him. He called me at around 10 and when I said "hey, what's up?", he told me he had just gotten off the phone with her - he didn't try to hide it at all. I somehow managed to take a step back and look at the situation objectively: This was a friend he hadn't talked to in a while, who lives far away. I am his girlfriend, who he talks to almost every day.

Do you think it would be a good idea to list these things that turn out to be an overreaction, to show myself that I'm reading into things too much?

3. I also tried verbalizing for the first time when we were on the phone. He kept going back and forth between talking to friends and talking to me. I heard him ask a question, and when I didn't answer, he said "Hello?"

I said, "Yeah, I'm here. It's just hard to figure out when you're talking to me because you keep going back and forth." He apologized and moved to a different location where he could talk to me alone. Then he said he was going to bed about 5 minutes after he moved, so that disappointed me a bit. But is the talking-to-friends-and-girlfriend-at-the-same-time something you would tolerate for long? I mean, I'm understanding of it right now because he's back at school and seeing people he hasn't seen in a while.

4. re: being "too available", I'm afraid that once I start making friends, having a social life and thus being less available, that he'll be okay with that and not miss me like I miss him. That he'll give up after one try of contacting me because hell, he's having fun and doesn't want to talk to me that badly anyway. What are the chances of that happening?

5.I still don't know how to ask him to send me little "reassurance" messages. I feel like I'll sound needy. What we've been doing since he's back at school is talking online for 10-20 mins in the afternoon, and then talking on the phone later that night. I'd actually prefer just coming home to a message that says "I'm thinking about you so much!" and talking on the phone at night, because there isn't a whole lot to talk about after talking online about how our day went.

This is what I want:
-1 message through facebook (doesn't have to be "i miss you like crazy", it can be like the texts he'd send me when he was at work like, "i just broke this cool toy." just something)
-A chat on the phone at night

How do I verbalize this to him?

[ 08-28-2007, 12:57 AM: Message edited by: apocalipstick ]

Posts: 13 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Just a few responses to your last post:

  • I do think keeping a list is a good idea. Not only could it help stem the over-reacting, it could also show you things that genuinely are worth discussing.
  • I personally get cranky if I don't have the undivided attention of the person I am on the phone with. It is nearly impossible to have a real conversation in that medium with someone who is also talking to a person in front of him. I think you were being perfectly reasonable there.
  • As far as being afraid that you'll grow apart once you make friends and start to have a life of your own, I think you're creating problems that you don't have. You, along with everyone else, need to have a life outside this relationship. You need to have people you enjoy in addition to him. That certainly doesn't mean you have to give up your relationship or make compromises you don't want though. Don't get lost in what ifs, instead try to only think about problems you actually have.
  • If I understood you, you'd like to exchange the afternoon phone call for a little message that's there waiting for you when you come home? That sounds just fine to me; it actually sounds like a very practical way to replace the text messages you enjoyed with something rather similar. He might miss the text messages too and be happy to have this substitution.

Hope some of that helps. [Smile]

I would have girls regard themselves not as adjectives but as nouns. --Elizabeth Cady Stanton

Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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