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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » sex and online dating?

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Author Topic: sex and online dating?
transparentcrystal
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i have my boyfriend's email password and he's got mine. We sort of dont keep secrets from each others. Anyways, yesterday i went into his email account and i found this website 'Adult friendfinder' then i google it and it is some sort of online dating and hooks ups online?

I got extremely mad at him. I know if i was him, he would be more than mad for me being in that website. I just feel bad that he's in that 'website' i mean, seriusly why do you need that if you have someone to love next to you? Although, im thinking that this is more of a guy thing? you know.. sex and all that? am i exagerating?

For now, i told him how i felt and he knows i'm mad. I aint talking to him unless he apologizes and offers me a proper explanation. But, should he really apologize? [Frown]

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peace

Posts: 68 | From: China | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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Are you sure he's actually a member of the site? Sometimes spammers can link to advertisements and make it seem like one is a member.

Clamming up and not talking does nothing to help the situation. You need to be upfront about how you feel and why, and allow him a chance to explain what's going on. For example, is he just looking at pornography, or is he actually flirting/having online relationships with other people? I wouldn't jump the gun and get all mad before you know the specifics of what, exactly, he's doing.

And just to avoid complications like this? Agree that you'll both change your passwords and keep them to yourselves, okay? Just as you don't need to, and shouldn't, let your partner eavesdrop on private conversations with friends, looking at each other's email is really just inviting trouble.

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transparentcrystal
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All right, Thank you Ms. Lauren!
He is actually a member of the website. He even created a profile so then 'girls' could 'match' with him. this is also some sort of pornography website.


also, yes i think that changing our passwords will be the best answer.

thanks again!

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peace

Posts: 68 | From: China | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Sounds to me like it's time to have a talk about the boundaries of your monogamy agreement.

In other words, is this out of bounds for you? Sounds like it is: and if it is, then you need to bring that to the table, and see how your boyfriend feels about it, and come to some sort of agreement.

Monogamy isn't a monolith: everyone's defintion of it and the way everyone enacts it is different/ Some monogamous couples would see this as a dealbreaker, while others would be fine with it within certain limits. You may also want to make sure you give him a chance to talk about what he was doing: he may have been shopping for partners in actuality, or he may have been fantasizing this way about the different partners he COULD have.

Just like some of us will sometimes want to visualize ourselves as living in a different place than we do, having a different body than we do, having a different job, sometimes people engage in fantasy visualizing themselves in different relationships, even if they want to stay in the ones they're in (and sometimes when they don't, too, so again: time to talk).

Whatever it is, this isn't a "guy" thing. It's a people thing. People fantasize, and/or sometimes people look to date when they're already in a relationship.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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transparentcrystal
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I tried to talk to him yesterday, but it is a little bit difficult to set an agreement since he is far away from me, he went away for vacations.

The explanation he gave me was that he was with his best friend, both of them were bored so they signed in for fun, but that he never contacted anyone while in the website.

I know this sounds reasonable and maybe it was just like that, but it still upsets me and he cant seem to understand that. He is now upset at me for not 'asking him' before judging. Which is also right, but still it upsets me what he did. If I was him, i'm sure he wouldnt even want to talk to me.

thanks for your response Heather!! I appreciate it bunches and bunches!!

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peace

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Heather
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I'm not sure I understand how being upset by finding that is making a judgment.

I'd also gander that, if you two do have a monogamy agreement you both take seriously, he'd not have been upset had he found it in your history, with you registered. It'd be one hack of a leap for the first conclusion someone drew to be "Oh, it must have just been a joke with friends."

So, even if that was the situation, sounds to me like he could use to extend you a little latitude: I'd expect a partner to do that, and to very easily say, "Oh gosh! You must have been freaked out about that -- I'm sorry you had to be upset for no reason..." et cetera. Him being upset with you - unless you addressed all this in a way we don't know about which wasn't very even -- strikes me as... well, not particularly considerate.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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transparentcrystal
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Omg! you just made my day and you let me see that i was actually right! it was a normal impulse to get mad, and he twisted the situation so then i could be the 'guilty' one.

I even apologized for not asking him first, but he never ever apologize to me.

I'm clearly seeing this relationship now.
You guys are awesome for keeping this website!!!

We would be 2 meters undergroud without you guys!!
thank you buchess again!!!

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peace

Posts: 68 | From: China | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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