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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » ...Am I overreacting?

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Author Topic: ...Am I overreacting?
Member # 31948

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I was having a pretty ridiculous conversation with my boyfriend last night. I was talking about how I wouldn't mind being a few inches taller. I randomly said, "yeah, like 5'11" or something!" it was meant as a joke, but then he said "then you'd be taller than me..." I was like "so?" and then he was like "then I'd feel inferior"

There was a long, awkward pause. He apologized and said that he didn't mean to say that I was inferior because I was shorter, but I still felt extremely weird. I mean, I used to have problems with our age difference (however small it is) and power balance etc., and even though I feel like I got over it, that comment made me insecure again. I don't think he meant it, it was a "Freudian slip" or whatever, but ughhh it really irks me!

[ 07-11-2007, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: snarky ]

Posts: 39 | From: los angeles | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, what you may have here is what we used to call a "learning moment" in early childhood education ( where yes, the terms for an awful lot of things sound a little too care-barey).

In other words, something like this -- and your feelings about it and feeling a pwer imbalance as a whole -- could well provide an awesome opportunity to bring these issues to the table.

You can start with, "So, why would a person's height have anything to do with them feeling superior or inferior to someone else, especially someone they're intimate with: to feel equal, to we need to be the same height?"

And from there, you can branch into talking about how things like this -- even though it's okay he said what he did -- including your age difference, leave YOU feeling like you HAVE to be inferior in some ways in order for him to feel okay, and how you'd like to evolve past that in your relationship, and talk about how to do that, etc. You can look into if your felings of inferiority with him (and you've expressed this before) might be being enabled by him NEEDING you to feel that way or not, and so forth.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 31948

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Hey Heather, thanks for your response. I did talk to him about his comment the next day when I saw him. He explained that it was a really bad running joke he had with someone else, and I told him that it didn't translate very well and made me feel horrible.

I do think that sometimes he does need to feel like I'm inferior though. For example, if I have a stomachache or another physical problem, he'll overreact and ask me how I'm feeling every five minutes. At first I thought it was sweet, but when it happened again and again and again I felt a little strange. This is what I have a problem talking about, it feels as though I'd be telling him to be less considerate. I think he feels better when he's taking care of me or something. I don't know how to explain it. After re-reading this, I'm under the impression that I'm being ridiculous again :| Meh.

Posts: 39 | From: los angeles | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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