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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Long Distance - Is It Healthy?

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Author Topic: Long Distance - Is It Healthy?
Castaway
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I have a long distance relationship with my girl, but we live in the same area of a certain state. Is it healthy to be in it?
Posts: 89 | From: Somewhere in dreamland.... | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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There's nothing patently unhealthy about LRDs compared to other relationship models.

The big question just always comes down to this: is it working okay for you and your partner in YOUR relationship? Does an LDR fit with your wants and needs okay? Is it a healthy relationship overall for you both?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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Well, it's been 14 months, so you could assume it's a strong relationship. The thing is, I'm sorta one of those teenagers that has sex on the mind every 5 seconds (proven than males do think about it every 5 seconds). I just don't know what to do about that, though. But the thing is, it's sort've (SORT'VE) and online one, but we know exactly what we look like.
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Heather
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Well, one thing to know is that getting too invested when a relationship is ONLY online isn't such a great idea.

Generally, it's better not to get too serious or committed until you've at least met someone online to even know if you get along offline: often enough, people who do great with online we might not -- and might not feel chemistry with, since that's not just about looks -- offline.

In terms of the business of thinking about sex every five seconds, that's a bit irrelevant, since even in an in-person daily relationship, a) you still won't be having sex every five seconds, and b) with a partner, just because we want sex at a given time doesn't mean it's always appropriate to have it with someone else, or that they'll have the same interest.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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But we are committed to a serious relationship. We may have some different tastes, but we have things in common. Call me crazy, but I believe in love at first sight.

Well, I'm talking about generally. Like..thinking about sex about the opposite gender or whatever. People have fantasies, which is perfectly normal, but it's just that I feel like a person that has too much testosterone, thereby making me more "horny".

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Heather
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Well, "love at first sight," is a pretty fallacious thing. Chemistry at first meeting, sure. Strong interest? Sure thing. But love takes time to develop, and to boot "first sight" in that bit doesn't mean by photo, but in person, and isn't just about sight or looks.

So, again, it generally really isn't advisable to get too serious before you meet a person, by pretty much every relationship expert under the sun.

And in terms of feeling like you have too much testosterone? Sounds like just being a teenage guy to me, and nothing to worry about. It's really normal for young men to think about sex a whole awful lot. And too much testosterone would actually be more likely to make a person too aggressive or irritable, rather than too libidinous. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Castaway
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I know it's not about looks, it's just everything about her. IF it's gonna make you any happier, we're gonna meet up at some mini-concert thing. But whatever.

I don't know...I always feel like I'm not a regular man. I feel as thoush like I'm just a lot hornier than the average male. I'm just weird like that.

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-Lauren-
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I think what Heather meant to get at is that you don't know everything about her, which is why it's rather easy to imagine "everything about her" is exactly suited to you. It's easy to take a photo of someone and imagine being with them as a perfect experience; good dental hygiene, a sweet tone of voice, good etiquette, the way they carry themselves. You don't really know this girl; I tell you as a vet of online relationships.

Not to say that what you're feeling is invalid.. it's just that it'd be wise to seriously lower your expectations to avoid hurt on your part, and avoid falling in love at the click of a mouse from now on.

And I assure you, high sex drive is entirely normal with young men. Masturbation takes care of that nicely. [Smile]

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Castaway
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Even so, it's still long distance, and really...we still live in the same area of a state, so it's not like we'll never get to meet. Like I said, Thursday is when the thing's going down, so we'll be meeting up and all that lovey dovey stuff.

Is it alright for me to try not to do it though? I mean, she's not really in the mood of doing it yet, saying she was a little "naive" before. And, as a man, I just don't want to even try to do myself in without having the first time happening. It's just...something I don't understand.

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ASargent42
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If you don't want to have sex, then by all means, you are under no obligation too do so. ESPECIALLY as she has already voiced her opinion on the matter, and she is leaning towards not.

With it being your first time meeting face to face, that would put an awful lot of pressure on you, and could make the entire situation highly uncomfortable for the both of you.

Maybe try to focus on just meeting her, and getting to know her more than you already do. That way, should the situation arise where you both agree that you want to move on to the next level, you should be more comfortable about it.

You should also give this neat little checklist a read through. It might help.
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

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Amanda
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Castaway
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quote:
Originally posted by asargent42:
If you don't want to have sex, then by all means, you are under no obligation too do so. ESPECIALLY as she has already voiced her opinion on the matter, and she is leaning towards not.

With it being your first time meeting face to face, that would put an awful lot of pressure on you, and could make the entire situation highly uncomfortable for the both of you.

Maybe try to focus on just meeting her, and getting to know her more than you already do. That way, should the situation arise where you both agree that you want to move on to the next level, you should be more comfortable about it.

You should also give this neat little checklist a read through. It might help.
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

Well..the thing is, we've already shared our interests, our dislikes, our personalities, etc., and I don't feel as though it should really be an only "meeting" thing. Although I can try to cope with the "cockblocking" thing, she still agrees to foreplay to some extent. And I think what's rather odd about me is that when first meeting new people (not sure if she'll count) is that I'm not nervous at first, but then I have a couple of the symptoms, like sweating through my armpits and an slightly increased heart rate, but I'm not so sure if it's gonna be the same scenario with her.
Posts: 89 | From: Somewhere in dreamland.... | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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Well..the thing is, we've already shared our interests, our dislikes, our personalities, etc., and I don't feel as though it should really be an only "meeting" thing.

Castaway.. dude, people LIE about that stuff on the Internet all the time. Heck, I'm putting my best face forward typing this message to you; I can redo it as many times as I want so I "say" the exact right thing. It's easy for me to mask the bad.

If you're feeling this much pressure, it's a good bet you're not ready. To boot, if you guys are even talking more than a casual date like coffee, you are SO crossing some serious safety boundaries that are there for a reason. For all you know, there is no girl at all.

(Yes, one of my male friends got conned into sending airline tickets to a guy who needed to get here -- he just had his 17 year old cousin prance around on cam. But I digress.)

So please, we seriously gotta implore you for your safety, do NOT plan on anything sexual with a stranger. Reserve that until you've at least gotten the grasp of in-person communication, which, by the way, can often break a relationship that's flourished on the "type and erase" communication style the 'Net allows.

If she is who she says she is and turns out pretty much looking and sounding like she came across online? Awesome! But that's actually a rarity, and you gotta go in prepared.

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September
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To back up what Lauren said, you really need to adhere to some basic safety guidelines when meeting up with her, for both of your sakes.

It wouldn't be a bad idea if both of you brought a friend along. If that's not an option, at least make sure you both let someone (family or friend) know where you're going and what you're up to and make sure to have a way you can reach them/they can reach you.

Meet in a public place with lots of people around.

And do not depend on each other for transportation. Make sure, for both of you, that you have the means to leave again when you're not feeling comfortable.

It's not absolutely impossible to have chemistry with someone off-line that you've meet online. But it's rare. And I'm saying this as someone who's been there: I've met three people off-line that I had some definite chemistry with online, but in two of those three cases there was nothing there when we met up. The third case? We've been dating for three years now.

But with one exception, I have great friendships now with all of internet friends I've met up with 'in real life'. So if you don't go into this expecting too much, and if you take those precautions to make sure you're both safe, you'll be okay.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Castaway
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Well, I must be the one who won the lottery. We've shown each other who we truly are. There's no need to take such precautions. And yes, it IS a public place, so there's no worry. Of course on-line isn't as normal as actual findings, but it's still another way of having a relationship.

Lauren, also, I can deal with getting cockblocked and all, she's still in for the other stuff. Does not a person still have desire for sexual relations? Do they not want to feel the touch of another? Really, now...

Posts: 89 | From: Somewhere in dreamland.... | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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We can not and will not condone behavior that jeopardizes our users' safety; planning sex with a stranger is not safe, nor is assuming that you genuinely know a person whom you have not met face-to-face. We must implore you one last time to set aside plans for anything more than a chat and coffee for at least the first couple meetings; this is for your comfort and safety.

So, there's no need to discuss that further; we advised you of the risks, and you're willing to take them against our counsel. That's your choice to make. Both myself and September HAVE experience with Internet relationships and the downfall that can be inflated expectations/being unsafe; we're not just pulling this stuff out of our butts.

I understand you feel set upon when you're so sure this is a good thing, but we aren't big on telling people what they like to hear, and when we see a red flag, it's our responsibility to call it out.

(And can we please avoid language like "cockblocking"? It tends to give off an air of pinning sexual frustration on a sexual partner/outside obstacle, which is an idea we like to discourage around these parts, though I know you probably didn't mean it this way. Thanks!)

[ 07-04-2007, 12:04 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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