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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » worried about a friend

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Author Topic: worried about a friend
Member # 28427

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Okay, I know this is going to be really really long but I really need some help/advice on this situatuion, and the sooner the better -- I'm getting quite concered for the safety of my best friend [Smile]

EDIT: Okay, so I realize how long this acutally is and how it may be a bother to read all this, so I'll just add in a short thing of what's going on but leave the rest up incase someone does want to know the details and dosent mind reading everything.

So, here it is:
My bff has gotten really close to a guy in the last year. They acted as if they were going out and everyone thought they were, thing is she already had a bf but he wasn't in the continent. Since it was long distance it was very hard on both of them and things were said and then this guy came along, 'Mike', and made her feel like when her bf was here.
Things werent going good with her and her bf and Mike knew they would breakup soon, and then he would be there and they could go out -- or so he thought.
She did break up with her bf but since told Mike that she only wanted to be friends and nothing else. She is now going out with someone else but is afraid to tell Mike because of what he will do.
He is very strong and has done some questionable behaviour; punched a metal staircase when she hung out with another guy -- screamed and sweared at her for a hug when she was crying and saying that she wanted him to leave so she could be with me -- cut himself to remind himself what she had done to him -- gotten into a number of fights with someone else who liked her -- and one time the two of us were hanging out when a mutual guy friend came by and talked to us for literally 2 minutes. He sees and comes by and starts yelling that this guy can spend lunch with us but not him?? -- yelled at her and not alloweed her to leave at their work infront of customers -- and a number of other things I cannot think of.

She wants to tell him that she's going out with this guy because Mike is being too touchy (ie. patting back, legs, shoulder, face constantly) but she (and I) are afraid of what he will do? I told her to tell him at school so someone with authority will be there but she is concerned about their workplace since he will become a manager soon and will make them work together all the time (not that he hasnt already)

So what can I do?? I need some advice because I don't want my friend to get hurt in any way, especially not physicaly and I think he may..I'm really concerned about this since it has now gotten way out of hand. In my opinion I think he is obssessed with her and other people are starting to notice his behaviour towards her too... [Confused]

So my bff has gotten herself into quite a sticky situation this year.
Let's start with past history. Last year she went out with an guy who didnt live here; he was here as an exchange student. They got really close and spent, literally, ever moment they could together. There was barely time for me [Frown] I hung out with them a few times and with the guy alone too, and he was nice and they were really good together. The guy was really nice and he was a good friend too. (It didnt bother me that much that she didnt spend so time with me, I had other friends I was closer too)
Well this year we have gotten much closer again, the closest we've been in the 4yrs we've known each other. She had a really hard time this year because, as you could guess, her bf left the country (contenent) and it turned into a long distance relationship through msn/emails/once-a-month phone calls. It got really hard when there was barly time they could speak to each other because when one was awake, the other was sleeping (time difference) I don't really know all the details, but I know it got very hard on them when they started fighting nearly everytime they talked and said hurtful things to one another.

This year my friend got a job. She works a lot but thats besides the point, for now. As she was working she got to know this guy who went to our school and they got pretty close, too close than I believe one should get when they're in a relationship. They were very touchy and people were constantly asking either one of them or myself if they were going out and we repedidly said 'No.' I got so tired of it and how they were acting (it made me feel uncomfortable when I was around) that I finally starting shrugging and rolling my eyes when people would ask.
She told me about how her bf and her were fighting and how this new guy (let's call him Mike) made her feel. He honestly would do anything for her; if she was sick he would skip class and search every store until he found the exact type and flavour of cough drops she liked -- if she had forgotten something at home he'd skip class and run home and get it for her -- small case of the munchies?? No problem, I'll run out and buy you something. She had said that she felt the feeling she had last year, that she longed for once again and that she had lost since she hadnt seen her bf in months. She introduced me to Mike and since we've become friends. He's a nice guy, but I don't appreciate what they're doing, especially since he knows she has a bf. But it didnt seem to phase him one bit, he kept saying that 'He's a jerk..he treats he like sh-t' and that 'soon enough they'll break up and Ill be there.' I found it really disrespectful since he hadnt ever talked to her bf when he was here. He has no right saying that, I mean he dosent even know him!!
So then along comes another guy (yes, while she is in a relationship with her bf//and an extremly close 'just friends' 'friendship' with Mike)

--Side note: Just remembered that last year, before she got together with her bf she was seeing someone else and then she cheated on him with her bf and they broke up. I don't like to say it, but I guess the saying is true; once a cheater always a cheater--

Back on topic, along comes 'Luke' and Luke is funny and they have a few laughs at work and she reallly likes him. I meet him and he's a nice guy too-we become friends. He really likes her too and him and Mike hate each other. They get into a few fist fights (over her, I think. Something to do with her) He also knows she has a bf but that dosent phase him either. They get really close and then she announces that she dosen't like him anymore.
All the while she is still in a relationship and in this close 'friendship'.
(Luke still likes her to his day)

Then comes 'Bill' and Bill gives her butterflies in her stomache like no-one else has. He makes her feel amazing -- and, he's an 'amazing kisser' [Eek!] I start telling her now that she's gone too far (I told her before with the other guys, gentle nudges but this time I really talked to her) and told her to remember how her bf had made her feel when he was here and that it was just the distance. Anyways, she was going to see him in a few weeks for about a month or so. I told her it wasn't fair to him. And I even wrote Bill a note saying I wish he would stop, and about how it was disrespectful to both of them. And he did stop, to my surprise! I learnt that he did drugs very often and that he had recently lost his job and my friend and Mikes work place. Then Mike started talking trash about him too [Mad] Then my friend announces she dosent like him anymore.

So it's just back to her, her BF, and Mike.
Then she leaves to see her bf and Mike is happy/sad. Sad that she's gone -- he dosent even bother to come to school cause shes not here. And happy because he knows it will probably be over when she comes back because she was saying that she didnt like him anymore.
So she comes back and then for a while nothing, then they break up; and Mike is happy.

While she was with her bf (ex) she messed around with Mike too, not only Luke.

So Mike is all happy thinking they will be going out and then for a while nothig. She just wants to enjoy being single. Mike is made because he's waited almost all year and now she says no.
In this time they've become really close. Besides the 'just friends' and the making out, they also spend a lot of time together, I can't even talk to her alone with looking for when he's comming.
I also started to notice that he started getting really jealous.
When we were sitting on the floor watching a school assembly, a guy friend wrapped his legs around her (it really meant nothing, and Mike should know this. Its just how this guy is and it was just a joke) Then when its time to go me and her leave to go see this, yet another, guy she really likes. And we find out that Mike is so made he punches some metal railing.

So, she stopped liking this guy ran off and saw but now she really likes this much older guy. (Mike is 1 yr older, this new guy 'Chris' 3 yrs) and her and Chris are now going out. I've never meet him but by what she says, I like him. he dosent drink/do drugs whereas the other guys she liked this year do.
She liked 6 guys this year -Mike/Luke/Bill/ex bf drink a lot -Bill gets drunk
I'm weary of him though because of how many guys shes liked this year, and about how they all seemed to have meant soooo much to her and about how each of them she was crazy about. But then it turned out to be nothing.

She has finally told all the guys (except Chris cause theyre going out) that she officaly dosent like any of them and for them to all lay off. (She hasnt told anyone her and Chris are going out)
All have listend, except for one. Mike.

He still acts like before, all touchy and runs to her at her beck and call and shes tired of it. She said she only liked him cause she was missing her bf (now ex) and that she really has no feelings. He acts like the world is over without her and that she was really, truley, the ONE for him. He cried when she told him to lay off. And he has screamed at her at work when Chris came to get her one day -- infront of the customers and did not allow her to leave -- followed her out to Chris's car and yelled at her more. She was upset one day at school and she just wanted to be with me and she kept saying that and Mike followed us everywhere saying 'I just want a f-cking hug!! Give me a f-cking hug!! I've been there for you and you just push me away!!?! F-CK!' and he kept following us until a councler came out and dragged him away. He once went across the city to where her and Chris were hanging out just to yell at her more. He has cut himself to remind him what he felt at that exact moment because of her. It's just crazy and gotten WAY to out of hand.
I can't believe she let it get this far, that I let her let it get this far. I knew trouble would happen because of the pace they moved. The first time she introduced me to him and we had all hung out (which became VERY regular, everyday the 3 of us) they were acting touchy and like a couple.

This is why she dosent want to tell anyone that her and Chris are going out, because she's afraid of what Mike will do, and so am I. He's very, very strong and fit and I'm afriad that he could lose it. But he has to know because it makes her uncomfortable when he touches her, and its constant none stop. Rubbing her leg, patting her shoulder, running his hand up and down her back etc.

I've told her to tell him infront of our office or in our counclers offices that way someone will be there to stop him if it gets out of hand but she's concerned about work.
Very soon he will become a manager, and not that he hasnt already, but he will make it so that they work together ALL the time. She cant switched because they wont let her, and its a 10 minute walk from where she lives.
I've thought of talking to a councler, but the one I would be talking to would be the one who has calmed Mike down when my friend was crying and she would know who I was talking about. And I can't have that happen right now, but now I'm thinking that may be the best thing.

So I've turned here, hoping someone can give me more advice of this situation.

He really is, in my opinion, obssessed with her. And it's gotten to far and it can't get worse, something has to be done right away. But because of his past actions I'm afraid of what will happen.

Could someone please help? [Confused]

[ 05-25-2007, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: FadingStar ]

And you shed not a single tear for the things that you didnít need because you knew you were finally free.

Posts: 28 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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She needs to tell him flat out that she is not interested in even being friends anymore, let alone being together in a romantic sense. No more touching, no more jumping at every opportunity to show up her boyfriend, no more contacting her. Change phone numbers or screen all his calls if she has to, ignore him on the Internet, etc.

The foundation of their relationship in general wasn't exactly a good one, with his acting like her knight in shining armor and going far above and beyond what a friend would do for another friend, so that he could "swoop in" if her relationship with the boyfriend failed.

While this is one of the reasons why we say to break off one romantic relationship before investing yourself halfway or more into another (especially if you and your partner were of the understanding that you'd only be seeing each other), neither you nor her could have foreseen how complicated and potentially dangerous the situation could become.

Your friend has the right to date whoever she wants; regardless of whether Mike thought she "owed him" or not after a whole year of sort of being with him, she absolutely has the right to change her mind. Don't allow her to blame herself for his abusive, controlling behavior.

He sounds like he was pretty unstable from the beginning, and has only gotten worse. Skipping class if she's not coming to school, punching a metal railing out of jealousy, yelling at her in front of customers at their mutual workplace when he's about to be a manager, following you and her around and screaming at her because she doesn't want to give him a hug, cutting himself and blaming it on her?

He sounds like he needs counseling, therapy, anger management, I don't know what. His behavior sounds stalker-like and obsessive. But, it isn't your responsibility or your friend's to help him. Your primary concern is taking care of your own safety and health first.

I definitely would turn to a trusted adult in this situation. Tell anyone you trust to do something. If you think there's a chance things could turn ugly when she tells him to stop, do it in the presence of this adult, whether it's the counselor, school teacher, parent, etc.

You can also have the adult intervene on her behalf so she does not have to do it directly and risk confronting him personally. Tell the counselor exactly what you have told us - the school may be able to make sure they don't end up in the same classes for the next year, don't have the same lunch hour, etc. If they suggest contacting the police or other authorities, I would recommend that she look into it. What he's doing is definitely harassment and may fit the bill for outright stalking.

Also, if the situation with Mike is this bad and he is going to be in a position of power over her, I would seriously suggest her leaving her current job and finding another. Yes, it's convenient that it is so close to her home, but her safety should come first. He's followed her out to the parking lot before and across town to harass her, I wouldn't put it past him to follow her out to her house.

disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in*

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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