People have probably posted a bunch of similar topics already, but here's another one. It's kind of long, but I'd really appreciate any feedback I could get.
My boyfriend and I are both 17, and we've been together for 6 months. We have been going at a very comfortable pace for both of us. We're very open with each other, and we talk about everything. We've talked about having sex, and we both feel like we'll be ready very soon. We're able to handle all the birth control and protection issues, but there are still a few problems. My parents and, to some extent, his parents, are very strict. They accept our relationship, but probably have no idea how far it's gone (manual, oral, etc.). They don't allow us much privacy, and for the most part, we've been stuck in each others cold basements, without locking doors! I recently talked to my mom again about allowing us to spend time alone in my room, and not necessarily just for sexual reasons. She responded negatively right away, without even thinking about it. My brother also had the same problem with his high school girlfriend the entire time they were going out. I just think it's funny, because she asked me a few months ago if I needed to have a birth control talk with her (I probably know more about the specifics of bc than she does, ha), yet she still won't admit that we should be allowed some privacy. Anyway, that's my story, and here are my questions: 1. If and when we decide to have sex, should we do so with the limited privacy available? (We can be almost positive that his dad won't bother us when we're in his basement) 2. Should I try and get my mom to reconsider letting him in my room? 3. Can we really be expected to talk to our parents about any of this? I know mine would be upset, especially after how my mom reacted to my last conversation about it.
Well, looking from your mom's perspective, she's protecting you from EXACTLY what you have planned. While you have made a very conscious decision to have a sexual relationship with your boyfriend, your mother's interest in keeping you celibate.
So you see the conflict here.
1. How fearful are you of the penalties if you get caught? This should be a leading factor for this part of the decision.
2. Yes, you should continue to be open with your mom and negotiate your rights and privileges as a minor in her home. This goes in all arenas of asserting your independence.
3. talking to the folks will be tough. But parents are reasonable, and deep down, they do get realistic. Keep an open line of communication no matter what.
Thanks for the quick advice! One more question: how would you recommend bringing up the bedroom issue with my mom? I think I did it at a bad time the last time, so maybe a good approach would change things.
Posts: 27 | From: Suburbia | Registered: May 2007
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A lot of times, when trying to establish yourself as an adult with your parents, is speaking to them as an adult. So, maybe for your next conversation, you could present it to your mother something like the following:
Mom, I'd like to talk to you about birth control and me becoming sexually active. I'd like to explain to you my position completely before you say anything, so I'd appreciate if you could hear me out completely before responding.
Then, why not go through with her that you and your boyfriend have talked in detail about being ready for a sexual relationship, what birth control you would use, that you're going to have full STI screenings done before becoming active, etc.
Possibly go over with her lists of different birth control options including hormonal methods and condoms, their effectiveness rates, how you'd pay for them, etc. You could even print out some imformation on them either from here or information on medical sites online.
You could also, if it would help, print out some of the articles from the website, such as our Readiness Checklist. And go over with her how you are covering everything you need.
If you demonstrate to her that you've done research and have discussed and investigated how to go about being sexually active the safest you can, and that you can support yourself for your sexual health care and birth control, she may be more willing and responsive to discuss this with you as an adult.
Also, remember, though, that if she has a strong opinion on this, she still may be unwilling to negotiate with you, and you have to respect that. As long as you're living under her roof, you do need to follow her rules, but it never hurts to discuss it with her as long as you're very clear and thurough, and don't react negatively if she isn't willing to work with you over this.
-------------------- Jean aka dailicious Scarleteen Volunteer Love us? Want to keep us in your lives and hearts? Give what you can! Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005
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1. You don't really have much choice, unless your parents agree to give you more privacy. Talking to them may or may not convince them. I, personally, know my parents would die before giving me any privacy with my boyfriend because they know what we'd be prone to do.
2. You should probably try because you won't know what her answer will be until you ask. I'd suggest asking when she's in a good mood and when you get her answer don't keep pressing her.
3. You should both sit down with your parents and try to explain to them that you are serious and you will be responsible with your actions. If you don't try talking to them at all and they find out from another source it will cause you to lose their trust.
-------------------- .:~!str8 up pimped babigurl!~:. Posts: 27 | From: Tennessee, USA | Registered: Apr 2007
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