Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Parents, Virginity, The Perfect Boy, the Perfect Daughter

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Parents, Virginity, The Perfect Boy, the Perfect Daughter
Member # 32470

Icon 1 posted      Profile for OceanCrowned     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I hope that I'm posting this in the right place ,feel free to move it if I'm not.. right now I'm just so frustrated I need to vent somewhere to somebody who will listen without judging me or my decisions. I've so appreciated the help scarleteen has already given me, so here I go. I'm going to start by saying a little about myself..

I'm eighteen, and I'm, according to everybody, "the perfect daughter". I am very very polite to my parents, have an above ninety average, am friends with 'all the right people', balance work and play perfectly, take care of my dog, go to church, never swear,haven't had sex, blush at the idea of kissing, am athletic, 'pretty' and proud of my body and am always cheerful and chipper.

This is what my parents believe. Here's the truth. I have the body I do from a mixture of bullemia and anorexia, and have been dealing with that for awhile on my own. My parents knew about it initially but were unable to help, so I told them I had gotten over it and was able to convince them and everybody I knew that I was 'better'. I am also not a virgin.

I've been with the most amazing boy for a long time now. He's so gentle with me, never rushes me, treats me so well, etc. I've never been more in love with a person. The sex that we have is perfect, he's very attentive to me and I give back to him - I enjoy it very much. We're STD tested, on BC, and use condoms most of the time - so we're safe, and responsible.

Here's the problem. My parents are so used to the idea of my fitting their perfect standards that they would absolutely die if they knew I was having sex with my boyfriend. Mom saved herself for dad, in fact, it took my father a year to be allowed to hold her hand (yikes yikes). The way mom talks about girls who have had sex before marriage makes me feel like a 'slut', a girl who doesn't respect herself, a mistake. I want desperately to share every aspect of my life with her, but I'm too scared. I find that this gets in the way of the relationship I have with my boyfriend.. she guilt trips me all the time by bringing up the suggestion of how terrible it would be if I were sleeping with him, and "what a relief it is to know that I'm 'such a good girl' and would 'never consider anything' like that."

What am I supposed to do? I hate lying to my parents, but I know that their knowing would destroy our relationship and ultimately my relationship with my boyfriend. My mother is the -only- reason for any shame I feel about sex. I was ready, and I'm thrilled that I have been able to engage in something so intimate with a person I truly, truly love.

If my perfect image crumbles I'm sure that my relationships with everybody, parents, boyfriend alike would fall down with it [Frown] my parents wouldn't let me see him - that's almost guaranteed.

I'm eighteen!! Shouldn't I have the right to make my own decisions? Argh. It's so frustrating...

Posts: 20 | From: Ontario | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

Icon 1 posted      Profile for DarkChild717     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Given your struggles with your body image and eating disorder, it might be best for the time being to not share your sex life with your mom. While I don't like advocating lying to one's parents, for your sake I think it might be wise.

That said, have you sought counseling to help you deal with your eating disorders? I know schools do offer free counseling, and if you're nearly out of high school, they might be able to provide you with some names for reduced cost counselors. Having someone like that who IS helping you will assist you a great deal when your mom does find out. She will eventually, but you need to take care of you first before letting her on to that.

While your mom shames your actions, if you did it for you, and were ready and prepared (and it sounds like you are: bravo!) then try not to feel shame. There's nothing wrong, really, with having sex. You're protecting yourself, you're being smart about it. You love him, he loves you, and you made YOUR choice. Don't let her bias hurt you.

Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
Love Scarleteen? Donations keep us around for you. So give a little! (Or a lot. Whatever works for you.)

Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 32470

Icon 1 posted      Profile for OceanCrowned     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks Caylin,
I'm getting much better on the body image and eating disorder front.. and my boyfriend does help. I think you're right, though, in that it would be a lot to deal with if I were to 'come out' on my sex life to my mother right now.

I have sought counseling but they didn't do anything for me, I got quite bored with two different psychiatrists and ended up stopping. I'm a very independent person and needed to figure out my own way. This being said I've managed to almnost completely halt all the bullemia [Smile] I'm quite proud.

And mom does shame my actions - but not 'mine', rather the 'possibility'. It's the guilt that's so overwhelming, the "I'm so glad you're my good girl". Ackkk.

Posts: 20 | From: Ontario | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 33993

Icon 1 posted      Profile for pinkveins     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i know how you parents are the same way. but i used to share their opinions sort of. i don't know if i ever was convinced that i wouldnt have sex before marriage but i thought girls who lost it in highschool to some stupid bf or in college on a drunken night were stupid sluts and i talked down abt them and said that would never ever be me. i just finished my freshman year of college and i lost it to my bf that i met there. afterwards i didn't even feel any different or anything and i like having sex with him. but if my parents knew they would have my head on a stake so i don't think its worth telling them. as long as you're absolutely sure you are 100% safe and aware of everything, you should be fine. you're 18, you don't need your parents involved in everything anymore. it does suck that you need to live up to this perfect image, but if your friends and people around you will only talk to you if you're perfect in their eyes then you don't need them in your life. no one is perfect. show them that..they should accept you for who you are. don't let others control you.

you promised me heaven but put me through hell...

Posts: 72 | From: illinois | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34121

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Gorgo     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I know exactly how you feel! My mom is the same way, she makes me feel guilty for EVERYTHING! I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm with my's the only thing thats held me back from having sex with him, I really do love him with all my heart and I know I'm ready... its just I'm afraid of my mother! grrr.


Posts: 3 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3