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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » I dont get it

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Author Topic: I dont get it
metnow54
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Member # 24622

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My girlfriend ended it for good. she broke up with me cause she thought we were having a fight, we spent two months apart, then she said she sees me more as a friend... and thats what happens when you push someone away, you have your own thing going on your not gonna think about the person you tossed away. 2 years together, and she throws it away because she sees me as a friend, because she pushed me away, and she thinks its a natural feeling, how can u still love someone if u ignore or try to change all the feelings. i just dont see how she can do it, uve all had your firsts, you know how its like "together forever" "love you always" then a day like this, i dont see how she can kiss another guy or do stuff we did together with someone else, i never knew she had the heart to do that, im nothing like her, but i love her so much that im throwing my life away.. i threw everything of hers out, EVERYTHING, and shes still in my mind for two months, shes a disease that sticks with you forever, i told her i should delete her because i want to forget her, i want to think i never had a gf, she says she doesnt want that, and calls it drastic. i think throwing two years away on a feeling you induced is drastic.. she wont ever leave my mind. and im not the type to ever move on again, i guess im one of those guys who thinks about this the rest of their life or if they move on and their ex wants to get back together or something, they would leave their current gf in a heartbeat, i dotn want to move on and end up hurting someone else, my mind just cant comprehend her doing everything we did together with some other guy, it was like we were married and usually divorces are mutual, but this seems like the wife just got up one day and left. after two months im just as worse as the first day she left me. i want her back, the terms she left me seems so ridiculous. and i know scarleteen always tries to convince people in breakups to just move on to someone new, its for the best, but i rather just have some way, where i could show her all the good things in our relationship. and saying that she sees me as a close friend, i dont see how u can go from long term lover to close friend in two months, where we barely talk on msn and only see eachother once every two weeks.im just, angry and sad at the same time. i miss her. i have ocd/anxiety and the only thing that got me through was the support of her love, now that she left, EVERYTHING MAKES ME NERVOUS, i cant do a damn thing in my life without trembling or sweating. its no way to live and im just not interested in seeing a doctor and getting OCD on my record, i feel it could cause problems for me with choosing a career in the future, so i try to handle it myself, althought extremely difficult.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, it's not always a loss of love when someone just wants a different type of relationship with someone.

In other words, we can be with someone romantically and love them, then feel a friendship might be better and still not love them any less: rather, it's that that type of relationship no longer worked or felt right.

And often, divorces and other breakups aren't mutual: plenty of times, one person will just feel differently than the other.

We don't actually try and convince people to move unto someone new here with a breakup: in fact, what we generally advise is that you take however long you need to deal with your hurt and your grief, to give yourself plenty of time to process your breakup, and then, if it feels right, to start dating again. But if it doesn't feel right, by all means, hold off and focus on other partns of your life. And often rushing right into something new after a big breakup is a recipe for disaster.

You know, something I've noticed over the years -- and this is just observation and theory, I don't know of any formal studies done on this -- is that very often, in male/female relationships, women tend to start processing a breakup from the minute they think it's possible, and men often seem to start processing a breakup from when it happens. Obviously, even if I see this when I observe, there are no hard and fast rules here, and clearly exceptions, but so often you hear male partners feeling like breakups came out of nowehere when the female partner will report seeing it in the pipe for a long time before.

Since previous to this, you've only asked sexuality questions, we don't know the history of your relationship to know what was going on before this. I'm sorry you're hurting so badly, but it's pretty normal to feel very confused and lost this way right after a breakup -- usually, the best use of your energy for your well-being isn't trying to get someone back who is just done, or even suss out all the whys with them, but to do whatever it is you do that provides you comfort and support. hang out with friends and family you care for, work towards your other life goals, engage in the hobbies you like, and manage your stress as best you can. And if you need to feel upset for a few weeks, by all means, feel upset.

But per the OCD, something like that really won't go on any "record" that colleges or jobs will see, so by all means, if you think you have severe OCD or anxiety, we'd encourage you to look into getting some help and treatment, in the interest of the quality of your life.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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metnow54
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we started doing sex stuff with eachother, so we were eachothers firsts, we had a close knit relationship, as if we were married. and i just never imagined it would end like this, i pictured it only ending if cheating occured or something to that extreme. not like this. never thought it would end like this, all we've been through. seems so unreal. icant bare thinking of her doing those things with someone else, it kills me inside, we didn't do sex stuff that often either, once in a while, its just, everything was special, its not special if you start doing everything you did with your last partner with someone new.

[ 04-21-2007, 01:05 PM: Message edited by: metnow54 ]

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poppybluefrogs
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What you're saying about it not being special, sounds as if you think she doesnt think it was special. Your ex probably did think of it as special to have all those firsts with you and probably still does think it was special between you two. I've recently had an ex tell me he doesnt feel that all our firsts were special now that i'm with someone else, but it doesnt mean that he is any less important as my first sexual experiences. It just means to me that its special with someone else as well, in a different way.

Think of it like this, if or when you eventually move on yourself, you might want to be intimate with someone. Does the girl you lost your virginity to mean any less? Indeed does your first time with that girl mean any less? With your new partner there will be plenty of first times between you, such as the first time you kiss her, and the first time you have sex with her and those will be just as special to you, even if its not the first time ever.

Try not to beat yourself up about your ex maybe moving on. It doesn't mean any less that you were her first lover.

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metnow54
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i dont want to accept it, i just feel like dropping dead, i acted to rashly, i deleted her pics, her emails. i wish i hadn't im trying so hard to get the back now, the world seems so empty and cold now, its a feeling i cant shake off, and if i cant shake it off in two months, i dont really feel like waiting years to forget about her.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I gotta say, I think you perhaps understand what marriage often is for most married people.

It isn't about romance, or a commitment to a romance: really, it's about family, and commitment to a PERSON, with the understanding that over time, friendship will be what's primarily at the wheel, not romance.

The other thing with marriage is that, when it's entered into soundly, it's about two people, solid in their own lives, very actively and knowingly -- with the proper perspective -- committing to be together long-term. There's a reason that it isn't legal for very young adults to get married, and that's because it's just often a given that it takes time to get that sort of perspective, and it also isn't so sage when two people are still in massive personal development stages where they are going to change a whole lot in a very short period of time.

I do get feeling that close, no matter your age, and I also get that when first loves end, it hurts like nobody's business.

In time, you really probably will feel able to be with someone else in that way, but it's totally normal for you not to be able to envision that, or to want to think about that, when the wound is so big and so new like this. So, why think about that now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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metnow54
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I just don't understand why things have to end this way. She always told me to never leave and that she'd keep me with her forever, and that I was never allowed to leave (not in a threatening way) nevertheless a few months ago she clinged on to me for dear life, now she's tossing me aside. Our relationship wasn't about romance either, it was just the time we spent with eachother laughing, talking, having fun. We did everything together, we never stuck to one part of a relationship, we covered everything and loved it. You can see why i'd miss her, she made such an impression on me, i'd be comparing her to every new person i meet. I really thought we'd be one of those couples who grow up to marry eachother. We started being a couple in grade 8, im in grade 10 now...
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poppybluefrogs
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the thing is people's emotions can change very quickly. I was in a similar situation to you at the end of january. The guy who told me he didnt think sex with me was as special to me as it was to him, might as well have been my husband. We were together for three and a half years and had gone through rough patches but we were working it out and then suddenly i got a phone call one night that he was leaving me. i'd been with him since i was 14.

At first i felt similar emotions to you, and i didn't understand it. Until i met someone else and fell in love all over again. All you have to remember is that feelings change over time and ultimately you'll end up where you're supposed to be. One day you might wake up and find that this girl is no longer the first thing on your mind. Don't worry if it doesn't happen for weeks, months or even a year because emotional attatchment is hard to get over when things can end so quickly.

Its hard to tell you why it happened, except to say that feelings change and you should move on when you're feeling ready for it, but don't beat yourself up in the mean time about how you feel or about how you don't feel.

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metnow54
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i guess i just dont want to face the truth, she was always there for me, always, through everything, she got me through. now without her, the world seems so much more difficult. i know i should just let her go its what she wants.. but i can never see myself with anyone ever again, it was just too special, i dont want to be open ever again, she was perfect. my first love, first try. she was perfect, everything was perfect, or so it seemed =\ thanks everyone for your input.
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metnow54
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It really looked like we were gonna end up together forever. she thought so too =\... two months, the pain hasnt lessened... i dont think i can do this. every thought is about her even when im doing nothing to remind me of her. again thanks...
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If I've learned anything in my tenure here, it's that there is just never a right thing to say when someone is newly brokenhearted. Really.

And that once a relationship that was milestone or important, for anyone, is gone or turns a corner, it always looks even more perfect in hindsight at first.

Obviously, for both of you, it wasn't perfect. And pretty much always, there aren't "forever" relationships, and it's even less likely to find the long-term stuff that sticks in your first few relationships. As well, it's a given that almost always, that pind diminishes over time, other relationships do happen, and for most people, more than one relationship in their lives will be huge and importent.

But none of those realities mean very much when you're just plain hurting and brokenhearted.

So, the very best thing I can suggest, as I did before, is to grieve as you need to, but also not to fixate or wallow overmuch. See your friends. Spend time doing the things you love to do for yourself -- and which sometimes, when we're in a relationship, we don't have as much time for as we do when single. Figure out creative ways to heal and process that work for you. Remember all your life goals, not just the ones you have for relationships, and put some extra focus on those. And if you must, spoend a good couple days of wallow where it's you, ice cream, comfort-goof movies or books and you write truly awful poetry just because you can.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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