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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » messed up

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Author Topic: messed up
Member # 31193

Icon 1 posted      Profile for freakyme     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My familys messed up

I used to think it was perfect when i was a kid
perfect mum, perfect dad, 2 dogs and me
looking at photos - we all looked so happy
then my parents got divorced
but I was only about 4

still - my mum met this new guy a few yrs later
brian hes called
they got married
he'd already had 2 kids - boy and a girl. and despite the usual chidlish arguements me and his daughter got on. his son however, is another story.
i started calling him dad
because after my parents got divorced - i didnt see my dad agen
i love brian - or shud i sey my step-dad
he is my dad
and his side of the family acceptd me as their own neice, granddaughter, cousin.
i felt part of that family

only recently i found out my mum had a miscarriage when i was three
so i shud have a brother or a sister
shes kept it secret, and only ever mentioned it once
its really confused me
because life wud be so differnt if she hadnt

i also found out the reason why my parents got divorced
my dad was a drunk
he used to spend all their money on booze
and he used to beat her
he has 3 other kids - 2 daughters and a son
my mum had to force him to see them when they were together
he wantd nothing to do with them
so i have 2 half sisters and a half brother that iv never met
not to mention all the aunties and uncles on his side
a whole half-a-family that i dnt have anything to do with

the other day me and my mum were talking about him
i sed hes probabli forgotten i exist
she sed thats not true. that he loves me
she seys dont judge him
that he jst doesnt think he deserves me
that i can see him if i want
as he still lives in the area
bt if so - whys he never rang? sent a letter?

i dnt know whether to meet him or not

i just
i dont know wt to do
i feel so confused

it makes me wna scream
whys my family so messd up
do you think i shud meet my dad?

Posts: 8 | From: Manchester | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 17924

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JamsessionVT     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think this a lot to handle for someone your age. I think the things you are feeling are valid and normal.

Your family isn't messed up; there are others who have the same situation you do, and it can be hard to believe, but you certainly aren't alone. Hardly anyone has that "perfect family": each family has their own problems that they have to work out.

Really, this is a question about what YOU want. You have a choice to make, whether or not you want to see your dad. I have this same problem with my grandfather right now: he was very abusive to my father and grandmother, and left her for his "real family". He recently has come back and wants to see us, but I have refused to meet him because of his past actions. I am happy to hear that your mom is supporting you here, because I haven't had the support, and these sorts of decisions are a lot easier to handle when you've got people you care about behind you.

So, the question is: do you want to see your dad? Are you prepared for any reaction he may have, whether that be positive or negative? Are you OK not having him in your life? These are the sorts of things you need to ask yourself. Sometimes, as we get older, we change our minds, and that's OK too. If you aren't ready to see him, you can always give yourself time. (Too, know it is CERTAINLY not your fault that he hasn't contacted you. We don't always get to choose the people in our lives, but his lack of communication is not something you had control over.)

As for your mom's miscarriage, do keep in mind that it probably wasn't her fault. My mother also had a miscarriage before my youngest sibling was born. She didn't ask for it, it just happened. Your mother might feel guilty, like she did something wrong or that she caused the miscarriage, but I certainly don't think she meant to hurt you by keeping it a secret.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your step-dad. Do you think you could talk to him about this? As a father himself, he may be able to offer your some help, if not at least be a good listener.

[ 04-21-2007, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: JamsessionVT ]

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 31193

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the thing is
we're moving out of the area
so my mum says if i want to meet him
now is the time to sey so

this is why i dnt know
like i have to make up my mind within a certain time limit
but its not a decision i can make quickly

im scared he wnt even remember me. or worse - just not care.
im worryd he may still be a drunk and a violent man.
plus - im 16. i havnt seen him since i was 4. thats 12 years. what the hell wud i sey to him.

i just hate being so confused
and the ppl iv talkd to just dnt seem understand what the problem with meeting him mite be.
i think id rather jst not meet him if hes not gona even remember who i am. thatd hurt quite abit.

Posts: 8 | From: Manchester | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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And those are the sorts of things you have to take into account. Unfortunately, there isn't an easy way out of this sort of situation. Believe me, I know how you feel. It can be hard to accept that someone doesn't care about you, but then again, we don't know that just yet.

The thing is, we can only do so much speculating as to how a person has changed. There is nothing to say when you get out and live on your own that you can't try and contact him, if that is something you want to do. There is no "timeline" here; you're 16, so you're probably what, a sophmore or junior in highschool? At this rate, you will be out doing your own thing before you know it, and then you can make your own decision as to what you want to happen.

You've identified something important, and that is that you are worried about his reaction. But I think it is vital that you base your decision not on how he might be, but on reality. Are you going to be able to deal with the possibility that he may not want to be a part of your life? From the looks of things, it doesn't sound like you are, and making the distinction is important in determining what you want to do.

You always have time. Just because you are moving now does not mean that later in life you cannot attempt to contact your dad. For you, perhaps you aren't ready at this point in your life to take this on, and that's okay.

[ 04-21-2007, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: JamsessionVT ]

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22137

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My own father walked out on my mum and I when i was six weeks old and has barely been in touch since. I saw my paternal grandparents regularly until the age of about 5, but then i changed my surname to my step-fathers and i was completely disowned by the family. I've certainly not spoken to my father for the last 18 years anyway, nor my grandparents for the last 13 years. My mum and my step-dad have spoken to him and some of other family such as my grandma on my mum's side still see members of my father's family, such as my Nanna and my cousins in places like the doctor's surery or the supermarket. They don't always stop and talk but my Grandma and Nanna sometimes talk about me, escpecially since my Gramda died of a heart attack as he always stopped my Nanna seeing me after i changed my surname.

My step-father tried to adopt me once but my father blocked the appeal through the courts. That made me angry and it felt almost as if he doesn't want me but no one else is allowed to have me either. In the last 18 years there has been plenty of time and opportunity for him to get in touch with me but he never has and i don't want to know him, if he's going to pretend he still wants me enough to stop my step-father adopting me but then do nothing else about it. Perhaps i am being too harsh on my father.

Similar to your mum, my mum had a miscarriage but it was a late miscarriage at 22 weeks with a still born daughter whom she called Elizabeth and my father had an affair shortly afterwards and during her pregnancy with me, which is why she eventually divorced my father. I don't know if my mum knows that i know this as i found out from my cousins, the same as i first found out my father had left through my cousins. It had never really occurred to me before that my step-father wasn't my father as he had been around since i was 2 and a half and i don't remember much from that age. I do however remember feeling rejected and unloved and wondering what i had done to make my father stop loving me.

I know its hard for you to process the emotions you're going through. I've had almost 14 years to come to terms with my emotions and sometimes i still struggle. My father's leaving has left me with some tough emotional and trust issues to wade my way through, so much to the extent that my ex boyfriend was able to use it against me in why he felt he couldnt get close to me.

Think carefully about what you want from this and whether you feel able to handle the emotions that will come with seeing your father. If you think he might reject you, prepare yourself for that and think it through. Try not to blame him for everything, i made that mistake and now i feel i've sabotaged any emotion towards him except anger and confusion.

Look out for yourself first and foremost in this situation. But also remember that there is no reason why you can't get in touch later in life as well.

Posts: 228 | Registered: Feb 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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