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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Best friends to sex buddies? Should I do it?

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Author Topic: Best friends to sex buddies? Should I do it?
LoV3r
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We've been joking about for... forever, but lately we've seriously considered it---"it" being having sex.

And by "having sex" I mean just sex. No relationship or anything. The thing is, he's my best friend. I like him a lot, and yes, I am physically attracted to him---but I probably wouldn't date him.

Some maybe helpful details would be... we flirt a lot, we've never done anything too serious together, he's a bit... uhm... promiscuous, and we've both done things, but we're borth virgins, we drink---I more than him but he's all for it, I used to like him---nothing happened, and he hinted at liking me, right now we're at a comfortable flirty best friends stage.

So should I do it? Or better yet, pro/con it up for me, please haha...

Posts: 8 | From: NY | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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One thing to bear in mind is that partnered sex doesn't exist in a vacuum.

In other words, there is the sex you're having, and the person you're having it with, in whatever relationship you're in with them. You can't just do "it" and have that "it" not also be a part of "we." Know what I mean?

So, if there are sound reasons you wouldn't get into a reomantic relationship with this guy, you might want to consider what those are, and consider what aspects of those things would also be aspects of a sexual relationship with this guy.

What are YOU looking for in a sexual relationship? From sex? What are your expectations and desires in this regard? And of course, with any kind of sex, do you feel ready for both the good stuff as well as the grunt work -- things like dealing with sexual healthcare, enforcing limits and boundaries with safer sex, if this is heterosex, dealing with pregnancy risks alone, and with this person, talking seriously about these things, not just joking, etc?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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poppybluefrogs
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from my experience of 'sex with a best friend' it didn't end up anywhere good for us. We never actually slept together but did other stuff intimately together and in the end it was too much for both of us. He ended up wanting me when i was in a relationship and then when that went wrong i ended up wanting him just as he got into a really good relationship. In the end we had to call it a day and say no more and qutie frankly things have never been better between us now sex is not an issue between us.

Consider the issue of one of you wanting more than the other in relationship terms and also consider the issue of it resulting in pregnancy. Would you and could you cope with either of those things? Heather is right that when it comes to sex with a close friend, no matter what boundaries you've set, i found that it went from being 'me and then him' to 'us' in terms of a sexual relationship and neither of us really wanted that in the long term. It caused more pain than it was worth.

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bellaitaliana69
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I have a close guy friend with whom I've almost had sex on several occasions. We also have a very flirty friendship, and he too is 'promoscuous". I think you need to consider what you think would be become of your having sex with him. Would your relatiopship be the same? Would you be able to handle the vast emotional consequences that could result from this?
I personally would not do it. However, it is your decision.

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"Only fear the things which have the power to harm" --Dante Aligheri, "Inferno" canto 2

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.

Posts: 136 | From: Roma, Italy | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
jas72
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I wouldn't do it. Better safe then sorry, and this is a situation that sets itself up for someone to get hurt.
Posts: 16 | From: Va, USA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mare
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there really is something to be said for having sex with somebody that you love.
The relationship i just got out of had no meaning and in retrospect I wish I hadn't given myself to him like that. It's not haunting me, but I found myself comparing it to my first serious relationship, the one I lost my virginity. And I realized, even though it ended badly, that sex in a meaningful relationship is even better.
I won't lie, great sex is great sex but the fact of the matter is that there are strings attatched.
I slept with my best guy friend one drunken night last fall and have since been confused by our relationship. We're still the closest of friends and have actually been talking about dating recently. And that causes issues too because I've dated close friends and have come out of those relationships without the friend I had.
Its a decision you'll have to make for yourself because all friendship and relationships differ. Just consider what I've said and what the pervious commentors have said. They all have good points that should be noted.
I reccoment really reflecting on what you want from your friendship, what you want in a partner, and how you'll feel if some other guys does come around and might be worth your while.
I feel like I rambled a bit but I hope I shed some ling on your situation.

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<33Mary

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LoV3r
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The thing is, I love him a lot... I'm really not sure what I feel for him. Sometimes he's just the sweetest thing and other times I would rather punch him than kiss him.


I think though, I'm going to hold back for now. We are kind of different people, and not to be condescending but he's kind of immature lol so I don't know how it'r work out anyway.


Thanks, loves.

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Bunnibug09
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Just out of curiosity... how did that work out for ya LoV3r?

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-Your Bunni

Posts: 18 | From: North Carolina | Registered: May 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LoV3r
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We're still best friends. He's still pretty immature haha but cute in his own boyish charm kinda way...

More and more though, I realize I don't really want any kind of real relationship with him---not until he grows up, that is. I love being with him and flirting, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to really trust him. Even when he had a girlfriend he was all over the other girls (whether they had boyfriends or not) but I don't know. That's just the way he is. Besides, what is really considered flirting nowadays anyway?

Posts: 8 | From: NY | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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