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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Yet......ANOTHER......age

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Author Topic: Yet......ANOTHER......age
In Love With My Baby
Member # 31696

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Sorry to ask this but I really haven't seen this big of a age difference on the boards where ive looked, maybe ive missed, if i have send me some links. I'm 16 and am dating a 32 year old....he is really sweet and doesnt pressure me to do anything I dont want to do. Is this age difference unhealthy?? Our parents dont know anything bout this at all....they wouldnt approve, I need my moms permission, he doesnt need his parents tho, obviously.....Ive known him forever and I guess when i was little, I helped him through a really hard break up and i didnt even know it cuz I really liked him when I was little. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreicated!
Posts: 127 | From: USA | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17971

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Honestly, my immediate reaction was "whoa." He's 16 years older than you/twice your age, and you really can't say that there won't be major differences as to where you are in your lives. The power imbalance between people who have such a large age gap can also be a huge deal.

Obviously you know this, because you haven't told your parents because they wouldn't approve. How are you dating if you say you need your mom's permission but they don't know?

I find it a little strange that you've known him "forever" and that when you were "little," you helped him through a really hard break up. If you've known him for even 4 years, you'd only be 12 and he'd be 28. That's a situation that really doesn't sound normal - your average 28 year old is generally not on level terms with a 12 year old child, even if you were precocious.

However, most people don't think of 12 as "little". If you were even younger than that, it gets progressively more questionable that someone his age would need help from someone your age. How did you meet him and how long ago?

Lastly, we don't know your location, but the age of consent in much of the US is 18. If you're engaging in sexual activity with this man, you could be putting yourselves at risk for having him labeled a sex offender. Looking into such laws would be wise before you do anything if you haven't already.

disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in*

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Just to chime in, 16 years is a HUGE age gap even between two fully grown adults. Not minor, huge. (I navigated a gap like that when I was an adult with another adult, and even given that our levels of life experience were pretty close, and our dynamic was awesome AND we were in it eyes wide open, really addressing that gap a lot, ultimately, it was a whole lot of work and not a workable situation romantically: we wound up after a few years deciding we were better off just as friends.)

That gap between a minor -- and one who, looking at your post history, I'd call a young 16 -- and an adult in his thirties is massive.

I have all the same concerns Leabug does, especially in terms of wondering why an adult man is even looking to a very young girl for emotional support rather than to his peers.

It also goes without saying that generally NO kind of relaqtionshiop can be very helpful when it's a big secret: so, until both your families and friends -- both sets -- CAN know, I'd be stepping way back with this one, especially since you've also recently been juggling some serious stress and depression, which can knock anyone's judgment out of whack.

(This isn't, by the way, the boss at your job you've brought up before, is it?)

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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