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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Nervous

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Author Topic: Nervous
Member # 29530

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I've been thinking about this a lot lately, I don't know why, and it's starting to bother me.

The very large majority of my friends are going to be seniors next year. I'm going to be a junior. This upsets me, because I feel like I'll be alone my senior year, seeing as I don't have friends in my grade. My school is rather small, and a remarkable number of the kids in my grade are jerks and I don't get on well with them. It's like I'm on a different planet.

Of course, my boyfriend being a senior next year is a huge factor of why I'm dreading graduation of next year. I know I should save my worry for when it comes, but I want to know how to deal with him being away and at college. He is my best friend, we talk about anything and everything and he's a huge part of my life. My worst fear is that he'll meet someone while he's at college and leave me for them. He tells me that I shouldn't worry about it, and that with someone as wonderful and caring and compatible as me that a fear such as that is a silly one. He's not scared at all of me going to college.

Is it normal to feel like this? I'm a jealous person, and I'm attempting to get better with that. I don't discuss matters about my jealousy with him, because I don't want him to blame my paranoia on himself. I also don't want to hinder his true desires, and I don't want to control him in any way, but he is very malleable. I know that if I talk about things that make me jealous, even the tiniest most ridiculous thing, he'll stop it immediately, which is why it is the only thing I'm not completely open with him about. He shouldn't feel the need to change simply because of my neurotic tendencies. I've told him that, but he's said he wants to change anyway because it's things he really doesn't care about and that it would make me happy.

In short, what should I do to ease this fear? What can I improve in my own relationship so that I feel more comfortable?

Posts: 59 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 31486

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First, maybe you shouldn't be so quick to write off the people in your grade. Maybe some of them are jerks, but don't let that turn you off of every person in your class. Focus in on the people you could see yourself having something in common with, and try to establish something with them. Also, don't forget that there's a grade below you. If you don't find friends within your class, there's a whole 'nother grade for you to expolore..!

You don't even have to make friends at school, you can get a job, make work friends, join a gardening club, etc.

Second, I think that if anything is going to cause problems for you two while he's at college, it'll likely be this jealousy. I think it's okay to talk to him about it, just address it directly and avoid taking on an accusatory tone. Make it about you and not about him.

For example:

"I'm having a really tough time figuring out how to react to you leaving."


"I'm just so worried you're going to cheat on me..."

Try not to talk about the things that make you jealous, but why this jealousy is such an issue for you.

You're a better judge than I, but I think if you keep these feelings from him, they're bound to come out somewhere else in the relationship in a way you're a lot less likely to be able to control. If you talk to him about it as it happens though, you'll be able to kind of feel out where this jealousy is coming from (insecurities?), just by developing a vocabulary for it. Plus, if he is your best friend, he should know this is something that's really affecting you.

Good Luck!

Posts: 18 | From: MPLS | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29530

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For the kids in my grade... I've really talked to them all, and some are okay. Genuinely good people, I just don't have a friendship connection with them. They bore me, or I'm too weird for them. We're very different, in many many aspects. Not only in the way we think, but in the things we're interested in. Same goes for those below me. Of course, there's always a few who are okay, just never... friend material. Always just a person you say hello to, nothing substantial. All of the friends I have I made very easily, and I feel like I have to force it with these people.

For my boyfriend... I have tried to talk to him about it, and this is how it went:
"I'm worried about you leaving for college."
"Because I'm scared you'll meet someone and leave me for them while I'm still here."
"No. That's silly."
"But I'm still scared."
"Don't be."
"I don't know. Just don't be. Always works for me."

He and I are very different on the paranoia side of things... He never worries. I think I've only ever seen him worried once, and we've been together almost two years. On the other hand, I worry all the time. It's nice, because we balance each other out. I get him to crack down and get things done, he helps me relax. But when it comes to these kind of things... it makes him very unhelpful, although I know he tries. He wants to understand why I feel so paranoid, but he doesn't. To him, it's as simple as telling himself not to be worried.

But otherwise I don't know why I get jealous. I don't know why I'd feel insecure with him, he's so loving and loyal and I don't have anything to fear. So why am I still like this? I've talked to a psychiatrist about it and she just thought that I needed to spend time without him. But that doesn't really help, if I don't know what's causing that jealousy and how to cope with it.

Posts: 59 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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