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Author Topic: Boyfriend going to college....
Beautiful Disaster
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Well. My boyfriend, as mentioned in other posts is a senior in high school, whereas I am a freshman. He applied to VT and GMU, and got accepted to GMU. I'm really happy for him that he's going and all, but I'm worried about when he leaves. GMU is only 45 minutes away from where I live, but it still bothers me.

I trust him completely, I'm not worried about him cheating. After 5 years of friendship, I think we trust each other enough that that is not going to pose a problem. The thing I am worried about, however, is us just drifting apart. I mean, I know he's going to be close and everything, but with all the work involved with college, I'm just scared that he'll kind of forget about me.

I've been thinking about it for about a month now, and I really don't want to break up with him just because he's leaving. It seems selfish, and well just mean. But...would it be better if I did? My best friend is in the same position as me, and she's breaking up with her bf. It makes me wonder if I should as well.

I just don't know what to do :-(
I love him so much, but would it be better for us to stay good friends? or stay together and consequentially risk drifting apart?
I need some help on this one guys. It might seem stupid, but its eating at me inside.

Posts: 43 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beautiful Disaster
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Just hoping someone will answer....


much love
<3 K

Posts: 43 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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sorry. computer got stolen in a burglary. was offline a while.

Going to college is a drastic change in a person's life. I know a lot of people who do try to stay coupled even when one goes to college. You can try it. But understand that he's going to have a lot on his plate, and his priorities may shift. Try to stay close via phone, IM, or weekend visits. But if the relationship runs its course, you can let it go then.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beautiful Disaster
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Yeah, that's kind of what I figured. It's just hard to think about it, him not being there all the time when I need him. ( I have quite a few self esteem problems, and I get depressed easily. He always makes it go away )
I'm gonna miss him [Frown]

Posts: 43 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
alaska
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Hello Beautiful Disaster,

I know how much it can suck when the person you love is not in the same location as you. Years of experience, no kidding.

For the moment: Don't stress about a situation that isn't even there yet. If I understand you correctly, he's starting college in the fall, right? Above all: Enjoy your time together till then!

Gummy's right: College is a drastic change for everyone. Your boyfriend will quite likely change and his going away will be a drastic change for you, as well. But you know what? Change can be really good! And change is much easier to handle if you're a bit prepared for it.

You write that your boyfriend makes all your self esteem and depressive moods go away, and while that sure is a nice thing, it might be a good idea to develop some new strategies for when your depressive moods and self-esteem worries hit.

I know how lovely it is, when someone gives you that rush of happiness and makes life better in an instant, but (and I'd tell you that even if he wasn't going away): Relying on someone elses's uplifting-abilities is just not very healthy in the long run. Love is great, and needing someone is okay, too, but overly depending on someone just isn't.

How are all your non-relationship friendships, have you been valueing them? Do you chat regularly with your galpals? Do you have a close relationship with your parents? Can you tell them what concerns you and do they listen? Do you exercise or belong to a sports team? Do you have a spiritual practice or go to church or temple? Do you volunteer for a cause you believe in? These are all things that can really build up your self-esteem in the long-run.

During one of my darkest long-term depressive spots, during which I was in a long-distance-relationship, too, I started volunteering at my local Planned Parenthood. I didn't do anything fancy there, just layouting some leaflets and fiddling with their website, but the office hours I had to keep and the fact that people appreciated my work and that I became part of a team helped me immensely. And I had tons of fun, too.
Doing good stuff and having good relationships and even eating good meals makes you happy in the long run.

For those especially dark mini-moments, when you're just down, you need an extra-energy-burst.

Are there things you can do that help you get out of dark spots once they hit? what makes you feel good? How about exercising or taking walks? Or maybe doing something creative and expressive? Whether it's Yoga or meditation or taking photos or just taking a nice long shower and washing your hair or asking your mom or best pal for a hug: value these things. Write a list that you can turn to when you start to feel crappy.

I had a 'List of things that always pick me up' for a while when I had a lot of study-stress. It listed, among other things 'Open the balcony door, pick the rotten leaves of the plants, water and smell the flowers', 'Go visit D in the shop and chat for a while', 'Paint toenails a bright colour' and 'Scrub the shower'. All Instant-Helpers.

It's great that you love and need your boyfriend, but I'm absolutely sure that you can totally pick yourself up and be happy by yourself, too.
It will be a different kind of happy and a different kind of pickup, but I dare to say that it'll be a better kind.
And that your relationship, no matter whether it's with your current boyfriend or someone else, will profit from you not depending on him to take care of your moods.

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caro

Posts: 4526 | From: germany | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beautiful Disaster
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Wow alaska,
lots of good ideas, and I think I will make a list like that :] Thank you so much!

I do have a lot of things that you mentioned, that pick me up right away. The great thing about my bf is that I haven't needed to use a lot of them lately, even when I'm just a little sad he notices and manages to make me feel better instantly.

To answer some of your questions...

How are all your non-relationship friendships, have you been valueing them? Do you chat regularly with your galpals?
-- I have some of the greatest friends possible, like my boyfriend they are all really great at lightning the mood, and are just fun to be around in general. I don't have very many 'gal-pals' simply because I don't deal in drama like most of the girls at my school, but the ones I do have are also amazing, and we are very close

Do you have a close relationship with your parents? Can you tell them what concerns you and do they listen?
-- My parents and I have always been close. I won't say my mom is my best friend, because she's always said "im your mom first and your best friend second", but shes pretty darn close. I do trust her with pretty much everything, but as I mentioned in another post, she is on medicine that makes her angry, so there are only certain times when you can talk to her about certain things. My dad is my hero. We fight a lot but its little stupid stuff that never matters, and most of the time we're goofing off anyway. I trust him enough to tell him everything ( except for the girly stuff he doesn't want to know about. Thats what moms are for ;-) )

Do you exercise or belong to a sports team? I'm in the marching band! lol, and I was on the school softball team last year, but my classes are much too hard to keep up with both this year.

Do you have a spiritual practice or go to church or temple?
--I wish I had something like this to believe in, but I simply don't believe in God (haha trust me that gets interesting when you're dating a Catholic)

Do you volunteer for a cause you believe in?
-- Yes I do actually, and I plan to make it my job eventually, because it does (like you said) lift me up and make me feel better about myself, and I also enjoy it. I work with special ed. kids, usually those with autism. I absolutely love these kids and I can't wait to graduate college and hopefully work as their teacher!

and wow...I'm sorry this was so long and kind of off topic, but after re-reading that....why am I ever sad? My life is great :] All thats bad is my moms disease :-(

Thank you so much for making me think about all that :]

*love you guys*

Posts: 43 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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