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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » boyfriend's controlling parents

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Author Topic: boyfriend's controlling parents
Member # 29762

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my boyfriend is 19 and in college, he lives at home but that's only because he lives close to his college. his parents insist on a curfew though and it's pissing me off and i'm afraid i'm going to yell at his parents one day. i don't want to do this because there is a good possibility that i'm going to end up with this boy.

my boyfriend is heavily into motocross and his dad hooks him up with all this free stuff. since his dad does his, he threatens to take away all of that if he doesn't obey his rules. i'm just afraid that this will never stop because they don't seem to want him to move out of the house ever, or even be home at 1am. they say it's because they care more than other parents, but that has to be the biggest load of sh*t i have ever heard. it's just their excuse for being clingy and thinking that he can't take care of himself.

his parents are so paranoid. they obviously don't know what kind of person he truly is because they think he's going to go off and have lots of unprotected sex with girls he doesn't know and shoot up and snort coke and you get the point. for example, his dad attempted to convince him to go to homecoming with his best friend... who is a guy! my boyfriend wasn't the most popular kid in high school and didn't go to tons of parties and get hammered for no apparent reason.

he's such a good kid, it's not like they have anything to worry about. he doesn't do any drugs, he hardly drinks. he got a 4.4 in high school, he's currently on the dean's list at his college with a 3.9 his first semester. i have no clue why they don't trust him. before we started dating he would come home before midnight just because and sometimes he wouldn't even go out.

i have all these ideas, for example, he should fight fire with fire. they make him feel guilty, he should make them feel guilty. or maybe he should yell at his parents. or maybe he should sit them down and have a talk with them. but he has done all three in small portions and they don't seem to have any effect.

i don't know what to do and i'm getting so frustrated. i tried talking to him, but it just makes him feel bad because he thinks he's hurting me, when i'm actually only upset because they are hurting him. i'm tired of crying, which is what i do when i get frustrated.

i'm 19 and almost 20, i'm a year a head of him college wise but only 4 months older than him. i plan on getting an apartment next year, my boyfriend and i were supposed to get one together but they won't even let him stay out past 12:30 so why would they let him move in with someone of the opposite sex?. in this apartment of mine, i would like my boyfriend to visit me and stay over. at the rate things are going, it doesn't even look like he'll live on campus next year.

i don't know why they think he can't take care of himself without him living in their house under their supervision. this was mostly a vent, i've already talked to my boyfriend about this, all of this actually. i was just wondering if any of you have had similar experiences and how things worked out, or if you have any advice? i've gone through something similar, and i told him about him, and he's going to try what i tried, but does anyone have anything to say?

Posts: 63 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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First of all, regardless of age, when you're living in someone elses house, being supported by them, i don't think it's unreasonable for them to have a curfew. It's a respect thing.

That all said, at 19, he does NOT have to have their permission to move out. They may pull all support (including financial) from him, and that is their right to do so ... He needs to decide what he wants and what it is worth, to him.

Has he talked to his parents about the possibility of moving out yet? If this is something he really wants to do, i would suggest he talk to them sooner rather than later, ... and before jumping to ocnclusions about what they will/won't let him do.

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Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29762

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i think it is unreasonable to have a curfew at his age. it stunts him from growing up and staying on the same level as his friends. my sister has a later curfew than my boyfriend and she's 16. maybe his parents should show a little respect since he was such an excellent student and son in high school, and he is an excellent student in college. they should show him some respect and quit treating him like he's their puppet.

i think that he does have the right to move out. they may be unreasonable with his curfew and growing up, but they would NOT take away college or his car. he gets tons of scholarships from school, so they hardly pay anything. my boyfriend also pays for his own gas and anything he does when he goes out. occasionally he'll borrow money from his mom when he needs art supplies (for art school). the only things they threaten to take away are his motocross sponsorships and connections which i think is rude because they know how much those mean to him, and that's why they do it. they don't really care if he doesn't get free gear, but the do care if he doesn't go to college.

he has talked to his parents about moving out, he has asked them to quit treating him like a little kid. his mom still does his laundry and makes him lunch every day! he has talked to his mom on a couple of occasions and even though his dad won't listen to him, he has mentioned quite a few times that he is not living at home next year. don't jump to conclusions that i'm an irrational 19-year-old with an irrational boyfriend. he just wants to grow up and i don't think that it ridiculous for a 19-year-old boy to ask for.

Posts: 63 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Part of growing up is also understanding that at times you need to make sacrifices to gain a bit of autonomy and to, well, start living as an adult. Budgeting and weighing your priorities can be a challenge, especially when you're first starting out, but it's an essential part of becoming an independant person. [Smile]

So, in that regard - what's more important to your boyfriend: keeping the free motocross sponsorships/etc., or starting to live his own life, establishing his own boundaries and understanding what it means to be on his own and get some freedom from his parents? There's going to be a point somewhere down the road where he's not going to be able to depend on his parents for finances, or for his motocross connections, so why not now?

If he has motocross connections, why couldn't he speak to them and establish some way that he may be able to continue that, or see what it would take him in the future to regain those? It may also be possible that if he acts responsibly and proves to his parents that he can live on his own and do well in school, manage his finances, etc. they may in turn respect that he's an adult now and will be more willing to speak to him and negotiate with him as an adult.

This is the only real option I see here - there's really nothing you, personally, can do - it's not your place to get inbetween him and his parents, or to dictate to him what he should do (though you can certainly give him suggestions, like the one I explained above), and if he's already tried speaking to his parents and it was to no avial, your boyfriend is going to need to be the one to make a decision now - this is about him, his parents aren't likely to change just because you want them to. So, like I said, would he rather remain in the situation he's in now and just hope that talking to his parents more will eventually yield results, or would he rather risk losing something that while he enjoys it, is not a necessitiy at this point in his life if he wants to be an adult and responsible for himself and his actions and life?

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Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 33356

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Well if he has a career with motorcross or a chance with it i would giv it some time with his parents but he doesnt need their permission to move out but dont force him.
Posts: 14 | From: southeast | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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