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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How Do You Fight Being Lonely?

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Author Topic: How Do You Fight Being Lonely?
homersangels_13
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Iím at a point where I feel the loneliest Iíve ever felt.
I never really had friends in high school, only acquaintances. I love to talk to people and I know that Iím very friendly but I never was able to make friends.
Now that Iíve graduated in January I donít even have those acquaintances. And my one friend that I did have since the sixth grade seems to no longer want to be my friend. She never talks to me and has made it clear that she is tired of talking to me.
I havenít ever really dated and find it really hard to find someone who is interested in dating me. I know that dating is not solution to friends but I do believe that when a person has someone who cares about them it helps.
Iíve tried being out going by talking to my employees or even asking a guy out myself. But that hasnít seemed to work.
The people I work with are a few years older then me so I donít really see use talking outside of work.
Iíve had people tell me that I shouldnít worry about being lonely because soon I will start college and I wonít be lonely there. But the thing is Iím lonely now and Iíve been lonely for a very long time.
Being alone makes me feel really depressed. Itís hard for me to not think about how lonely I am on a daily basis.
What I want the most is to be happy and I know that if I wasnít alone I would be much happier.
If anyone has any advice I would be very grateful. Thanks.

Posts: 8 | From: fair oaks | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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homersangels, I know how horrible feeling lonely can be. I'm sorry that you feel that way now and hope it will change soon-- it certainly can and will.

Are you talking about graduating high school? It can be a tough time afterwards, especially since you graduated in January rather than the summer/spring. I'm sure starting college will be a nice change for you and a great chance to meet new people and make friends. But it's now about getting there.

I know that one can have friends of all ages and that's great, but it can also be hard when there's a big age/stage-in-life difference. Is there anyone who you might be able to suggest something to, like invite to hang out on the weekend? What type of area are you living in? What types of things are there to do? What do you like to do? How about joining a club or social meet-up, like a hiking or craft thing? How's your family?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Given, while gregarious, I can also be a bit of a loner, but what I've found helps for me at times my social circle is small-to-none is finding a project for myself which is benefitted by being alone.

In other words, one great thing about being without social obligations for a while is that you cen really, deeply immerse yourself in something for days, weeks, even months at a time. You don't have to be saying you're sorry when you can't see people because of it, or walking away from it when you'd rather be with it because of friends and partners.

During the course of my life, during spells of loneliness, I've written a novella (years ago, and it sucked, but the process was sublime), done huge collage work art pieces, repainted a house, planted a whole garden, the works.

From a Buddhist perspective, that sort of approach is really about honoring the moment/time period that is, and half the pain we feel when we don't accept that, and don't work with it, is in the wishing-it-wasn't.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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homersangels_13
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
Is there anyone who you might be able to suggest something to, like invite to hang out on the weekend? What type of area are you living in? What types of things are there to do? What do you like to do? How about joining a club or social meet-up, like a hiking or craft thing? How's your family?

I live in a nice city. Most of the social events that people do are go to the movies or see a band show, things like that. I love movies and going out like that but I donít have anyone to do that with. I hate going to places alone like that; I went to the movies by myself once and it was horrible.
As for clubs and social meet ups, Iím not sure about that. At my high school there were clubs and while I was there I joined some but always felt uncomfortable. I joined them so could met new people but most of the people joined the clubs with their own friend so they just socialized with each other rather then trying to get to know everyone. Now that I'm not in high school I canít thin of any clubs around that arenít meant for older people.
And when you say social meet ups Iím assuming that you meant place were people just hang out. Most people hang out at Starbucks, the mall, or at each others house. I canít imagine going to one of those places alone because I wouldnít have anything to do. I've gone to Starbucks by myself before and it was really boring. I just sat there.
My family is good. All my older siblings live out of state so itís just me and my little sister. Iím 17 and she is 12 so there is kind of an age difference, plus she is more of a tom boy then I am. I still enjoy doing things with her but I would love to hang out with someone my age.
As for college I won't start until the fall and I really don't want to be lonely all the this time. Ive been alone all through high school and I dont think that I can handle it anymore.
When I'm alone like this it makes me think how I have no friends and I begin to hate myself in every way.

Posts: 8 | From: fair oaks | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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First, I think Heather's suggestion of finding a project to immerse yourself in is an excellent idea!! Coming up with one might be hard at first since you just finished school where (1) we're too often not encouraged to think creatively and (2) we're usually drowing in so much homework that it's hard to find time/the chance for a hobby or project. But these things are really the essence of life after graduation, the most meaningful and fun time. So if you can start cultivating one/a few now, you'll be set forever. Same for figuring out ways to have fun on your own. [Smile]

Please don't stay away from concerts and movies if that's what you love! I think concerts are actually often good place to meet new people, depending on the venue? Or how about asking the manager about helping out somehow? That'd give you a chance to even get involved behind the scenes. You can learn a lot about what's going on but not so evident just by chatting with people, be it an older coworker or the person selling you the tickets; you find out till you ask and share a little about yourself. What about seeing if you can arrange a meet-up (like hang a sign) at Starbucks to talk about movies?

I was apprehensive about going to movies alone at first, too, but now I love it. A few years ago after moving to a new city and not knowing a soul, I heard about two local theaters showing indie/non-blockbuster fims had this deal: a 10er ticket for 40Ä, making each showing about $4 a pop. I'd go at least once a week, at all times of the day, and I got to see a lot cool movies I might have seen otherwise. (Not to mention the peoplewatching! Like the showing of Johnny Cash in San Quentin that was half-empty except for this random bunch of Germans who drank beer and sang along?)

Anyhow, so it basically comes down to attitude, trying to get over that (understandable but unecessary) fear or stigma of doing things alone. It's really hard to break out of that when you're feeling lonely, but you have to do it in order to see that change. I find a day trip somewhere different or a weekend visit old friends to really energize me. Keep doing stuff with your sister; I'm sure she appreciates spending time with you, even if she doesn't show it. Would it be possible to visit an older sibling or two occasionally? It'd give you a chance to enjoy each other's company and get recharged. You could also visit the school you'll be at next year to keep up that excitement.

If you tell me more about your location, as well as more things you're interested in, I can poke around online for you. What subjects are you going to study at college? What would be your dream career? A few more suggestions: A summer class at community college or community education/recreation, if random and just for fun? Going on long walks around where you live. Reading books/magazines/watching DVDs at your local library.

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-Jill
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One thing I can suggest is not to write people off just because there's an age difference. A big gap really doesn't matter so much in a friendship; you may not have as much in common as with a peer but odds are there's something.

One of the friends I've had for the longest amount of time is 11 years older than I am and we don't really have an overwhelming amount of things in common. That doesn't stop us from skiing together every week each winter and truly enjoying each other's company.

Just talk to people, regardless of their demographic or how well you know them. Soon enough you'll find someone that you really connect with. [Smile]

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Selkie
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I felt the same way as well once, what really helped was finding an online community to become an intergral part of ( not the best thing to do I know) and I became friends with people older then me. It helped alot (the older friends was real life ones)

--------------------
"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

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homersangels_13
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quote:
Originally posted by Ecofem:
If you tell me more about your location, as well as more things you're interested in, I can poke around online for you. What subjects are you going to study at college? What would be your dream career? A few more suggestions: A summer class at community college or community education/recreation, if random and just for fun? Going on long walks around where you live. Reading books/magazines/watching DVDs at your local library.

I live in a suburb of Sacramento, CA. I'm going to community college for 2 years and will transfer to San Fran State to study Fashion Design. I love crafts like sewing and knitting but it seems that I like the passion to do the things that I once enjoyed so much.
The main reason why I donít like doing things alone is because I always think about how I'm doing something alone. I dwell on the fact that if I wanted to go to a concert or see a movie that isnít age appropriate for my little sister I would have to do it alone.
I love movies (I'm a bit of a movie buff) and I mainly rent and watch movies or TV. And even though I enjoy doing those things I would live to do it with friends. I would much rather watch a movie and not say a word to a friend then to watch a movie by myself.
I guess I just cant handle being alone. Thanks for the suggetions and I will try to find something to do that I can be passionate about.

Posts: 8 | From: fair oaks | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Wow, it sounds like you've got some really awesome stuff ahead of you! A career goal like fashion design gives you a lot of possibilities to check out. Why not look into what kinds of fashion-related stuff there is in your area might you be able to get involved with?

Here are some random things I found while doing a little searching on the internet, but you know your area much better than I do. [Wink]

Knitting meet-ups around Fair Oaks:
http://knitting.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/fair_oaks/
http://knitting.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/sacramento/

I see there's a Waldorf School-based College; it might not be your thing at all, but I'd check out some campus events and programs.
http://www.steinercollege.org/

What about volunteering to do something costume-related at the Fair Oaks Theatre Festival? (I did costume design for fun in hs, but a fashion designer friend got her start doing costuming.) I don't know what they'd have but you could find out.
http://www.fairoakstheatrefestival.com/

Or at a local museum doing clothing preservation?
http://www.epodunk.com/cgi-bin/genInfo.php?locIndex=49778

You CAN handle being alone, but you need to focus on the positive to see the opportunities out there, be it activities or potential friends~! Please do check into this stuff. If all else fails, you can practice sewing more. [Wink]

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