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Author Topic: the new man and the issues...
poppybluefrogs
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I have recently begun a relationship with this wonderful new guy. He's been a close friend for some months and a good friend for a long time before that. He's lovely and i've never been so happy with someone or felt even half of what i feel for him. I'm head over heels in love with him, and i know he feels the same about me. And its not just because he tells me, i can see it and feel it too in everything he does. I am having the hardest time accepting he won't just leave me though, after what a lot of men have done to me in the past.

Before he started dating me there was a girl in his life called Alex, whom is one of his closest friends but i know they have history together. They really liked each other a lot and flirted all the time and Daniel tried asking her out many times and so on. Except she always had a boyfriend. I've met Alex and she is lovely and she has told me she doesn't feel much if anything at all in that way for him now. And he has told me that he doesn't even think of her like that anymore. But sometimes i sit and listen to them talking and watch them together and there is still some chemistry there and i feel a little threatened by this girl. I absolutely hate myself for it, because i trust Dan not to do anything with her. I suppose its more that i don't really know Alex very well and i'm also worried about splitting up their friendship, but sometimes i feel as though he will go off with her and break up with me. It's complete paranoia because there's only ever been on instance where i should have been worried and he said he didn't mean to look like he was going to kiss her and he didn't kiss her, ust hugged her goodbye after a night out with both of us.

Also we're both going away to university in six or seven months and i am absolutely terrified of what might happen to me and him. He is very special too me and when we were just friends (despite liking him) i knew it would be easier for us to carry on as we were. Now that there's relationship stuff involved i'm freaking out. Dan keeps telling me that we'll deal with it one step at a time and that he's worried too, but it'll be fine.

And lastly there's the issue of my best friend, whom dan has met and really gets on well with (they did some male bonding over monty python of all things). I told this friend about seven weeks ago that the phone sex and booty calls and what not had to stop because i needed to see what would happen with Dan and i daren't ruin the chance of being with him. And it all worked out and it's fine, we've gone back to just friends. Closer friends in fact now. Yet sometimes i still can't help but think about him in a sexual way. We don't do anything together anymore, we've both accepted that we can't and that we've got to move on from it and we are doing. But i still feel racked with guilt. Especially because Dan was talking t me last night about both my best friend and Alex and saying that he feels the same as me, he's worried there are still feelings there but he trusts me not to do anything. It's simply confused me because i do think there are still feelings there and i feel guilty for Dan, because i really do think i love him.

And there's also the issue of his family, who are lovely but i'm terrified they hate me because they didn't really like his last girlfriend and i don't want them to think the same of me. I'm worried his mum won't like me for 'taking away' her son, or she'll think i'm a slut.

Yet all the evidence i've seen points to his family liking me, Dan never wanting to cheat on me and nothing going on with me and my best friend other than friendship and i'm still completely neurotic about the whole bloody lot o it.

I feel like the university thing is the only one i have vaild reason to be worried about and feel ridiculous about that as well. What on earth can i do to stop myself going mad?!

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Ecofem
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guiltyangel, what really stands out about your post is how you're "terrified" of a bunch of things in this relationship. A relationship should be fun and uplifting, not stressful or make you anxious! You can get involved with a great person at a time when the details/outside factors just don't make it work. How about just switching back to dating until you're feeling better about other things?

I can't tell if both of you have unresolved feelings for others, or it just seems that way because you're both worried about it. How have your conversations about this been? You say you're worried and he's unsure, too, but wanting to take it one step at a time. Again, taking it down a notch in terms of seriousness might be a relief, so you can focus on the positive without worrying so much about conflicting issues.

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poppybluefrogs
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Well i am having lots of fun with him. He's wonderful and is sharing his hobbies with me and things like that too.

I'm only anxious because i want this to work. I really like this guy and the only thing i'm terrified about is being away from him for so long. I don't think either of us has particularly unresolved feelings for other people anymore. He spent the day with Alex on saturday and said he felt nothing for her more than friendship. And i am seeing my friend again soon and i'm excited and pleased that he's coming to visit but at the moment sleeping with him is the furthest thing from my mind.

Our conversations about this have been very calm and rather than being upset with me he has said he understands if i am still a little confused about my friend. This is completely different to what i'm used to where if my friend had been brought up in my previous relationship i would have been shouted at and things would have been thrown. I am relieved that Dan is so wonderful about this.

I don't know if reverting to dating would be the best move for us. We've always been close and there never really was a proper 'dating' stage with us. We just seemed to go from being very very good friends, to friends who suddenly kissed alot to a relationship that has become serous quite fast. I don't regret anything about it though. Dan has always said that at any time i need some space he'll give it to me. He's known me long enough to know what i can be like at times when i feel depressed and i know he would never hurt me.

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Ecofem
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OK, I understand better where you're coming from now, guiltyangel. (I was having an "off" day, which might explain why I didn't so well in the first place.)

Per the dating bit, I meant that maybe looking at the relationship as less do or die, and focus more of the fun parts of being together, that you might worry less about the future. Dealing with past/present/future attractions is part of a relationship, they're always going to be there-- it's just how you deal with them (depending on what you and your partner agree on.) I think it's important to be aware of them and keep communicating, but it shouldn't be a problem (assuming it isn't causing you a lot of anxiety!)

I think it's totally ok to look at a relationship going really well and suddenly become a little sad about the potential of it changing. That's the whole bittersweet part of relationships and that whole "It's better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all." OK, you can take it or leave it, but love/romantic relationships involve a certain amount of risk, which can go either way.

I also believe things will work out-- even if it's different than what you two had originally planned on or hoped for. Six, seven months is a "long" time in many ways. It's good to address the issue (it's not as if it'd go away, even if you worked hard to keep your minds off it [Wink] ) but also good to focus on the present.

And regardless how positive a relationship may be, wanting time for ourselves or space to think is a healthy, natural thing. Something you're both ok with giving each other, and that's a good sign. I think what you said about NOT having shouted and stuff in a tiring moment is really important, because taking the time and effort to talk things out (versus storming out mad or yelling) is a crucial aspect of a good relationship. That all said, it sounds like you two have got a really beautiful thing going on and I'm happy for you! [Smile]

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poppybluefrogs
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thanks for reassuring me about looking at it differently from how i see it now.

I feel so lucky to be in this relationship. It feels healthy and is fun.

We had a minor disagreement tonight but that was me being unreasonable and we apologised and talked it out and ended up playfighting over who was more sorry.

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