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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Boyfriend with really good friend that's a girl

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Author Topic: Boyfriend with really good friend that's a girl
curlyQtee
Neophyte
Member # 26733

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I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years 3 months and 3 days. I thought that we both were really in love even though we fought a lot. We had been through so much together and we always were there eachother. 6 months ago he broke up with me and it was awful, I was incredibly heart broken and if he would have asked me to marry him instead of telling me he was done with me I would have said yes without hesitation. He said he broke up with me because he couldn't stand us fighting all the time but I thought that they weren't that big of a deal because most relationships have there share of them. The week after he broke up with me I found out he started hanging out with this girl that he knew from work. They got really close I guess and it turns out that they made out once, as far as I know. She also had spent the night one night after they went out drinking at his house and slept in his bed with him, but he insisted that nothing else happened. So a little while after that, he said he wanted to still see me and try to work things out with me so I have been seeing him and sometimes when we get together we still have sex like we normally would. I guess in my mind I thought that if I didn't do this he would go and find someone else to fufill his needs whether it be this girl or whoever. Though trying to work things out has been hard, because of this girl. They have been seeing eachother and talking to eachother regularly to this day as what he says "just friends" and he says that's all they ever were. He said the reason why he had kissed her was because he got his feelings mixed up for me with her. But the thing that bugs me is that when they hang out they usually do it alone just him and her, I have never gotten invited to hang out with them or anything which I think is weird if they are just friends why do they have to hang out alone..and how can I be sure nothing is going on? Also everytime he hangs out with her I usually have to dig to find out that he was with her like he's trying to hide it or something. I am just torn by this whole thing and everyone I ask doesn't know what to tell me. Just recently we had gotten into a little argument and I had said well maybe I don't even want to try to be anything with you any more. He got really upset and even started to cry, and he said that if that was the case he didn't want to see me anymore. We discussed things and decided to actually really try to be together again. Then he changed his mind after I started asking him about this girl. I asked him that if things were different would you have been with her etc..he started giving me reasons then that if I can't deal with him being friends with her maybe we should see eachother, which really hurt because I felt like he was choosing this girl "his friend" over me the girl he loves. But I had told him now that I don't care and that I will try to not be so insecure because that's what he thinks I am being, which is a total lie I definitely do care! It's just a big mess in my mind sometimes I feel like I am just jealous of the friendship he has with her, and how she is important to him, and other times I just think it is down right weird him seeing her by themselves doing things that couples do like go to eat and shopping. I mean if I even had the opportunity to have a friendship like that with another guy I would choose not too because he is who is more important. I don't have a clue what to do I have been trying to figure out and deal with this situation for the past 5 months. If anyone has any thoughts on this or what is going on please help me because I'm lost.
Posts: 12 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's fair to ask a partner to not be secretive with seeing friends.

It's also fair to expect with friendships that they'll want to include you in outings sometimes, but not others.

In addition, it's normal for people to go out to eat alone with their friends or to go shopping with friends, and no one -- you, he or anyone else -- should ever have to feel like they have to choose between having an opposite-sex romantic partner and opposite-sex friends.

quote:
I mean if I even had the opportunity to have a friendship like that with another guy I would choose not too because he is who is more important.
No one should have to priorotize relationships like that just because their friend or friends and their partner are a given sex/gender. can you see the real flaw in that logic? What would hapen if one or both of you was bisexual? Would that mean it wouldn't be okay for you to have ANY friends?

Sounds to me like you two need to have a talk and strike a compromise. For instance, you can ask that he not be shifty when he's hanging out with her, and that he be as open about when he is as he is with any other friend. In addition, though, you'll want to also offer up an agreement to accept this friendship and not be suspicious just because he kissed her once or she is also female.

You might also put up a wish to have group outings with all of you more often, and make clear -- as is usually the case -- that if you two got to know each other better, and she felt like a part of both of your lives more, you'd feel a lot more comfortable.

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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
curlyQtee
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Member # 26733

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I asked him not to feel like he has to hide it from me and if they are just friends I asked him what the big deal was with him trying to hide it and all he said was I don't know. I just feel like how will I really know if they don't have feelings for eachother. I mean I have asked him this and he just says they are friends..but their relationship just seems more than friendly to me. I understand that I can't hold it against him that he has a friend that's a girl but then why does he hide it and act all weird about it like it is something more?
Posts: 12 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MissSmarty
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How is he acting like he is hiding something? Is he actually lying to you, saying he did something else when he really was with her? I believe in intuition, but sometimes we just worry out of fear. I feel like you should know if the time you have been spending with your boyfriend lately is quality time. Does he look into your eyes when he talks to you, does you guys have fun together, have you felt like you guys have been connecting? If so and if he hasn't given you a strong reason to distrust him in the past I would say you need to stop worrying and focus on developing some friendships outside of him for yourself too.

I also agree with Heather about suggesting group outings. Going out with friends and your boyfriend can be fun - I think it would be a good way for you to get to know her better.

Posts: 118 | From: Texas | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
curlyQtee
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Member # 26733

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Well the way he hides it is I'll ask him what he did and then he will tell me what he did but he won't tell me he did it with her. So then I usually say something like oh well did you go alone or do that alone and he's like "no" but that's all he says so then I have to dig deeper and say well did you do it with so and so and he's like yea. That's how, he doesn't just come out and tell me right away I have to dig for it.

No I don't feel like we have been spending quality time together. We don't have in depth conversations like we used to and when I'm with him I feel like I'm the one that kisses him and I'm the one that will touch him and then even after I start it he won't touch be back or really kiss me. I don't know. I tell him I love him and he will just be like "k". I don't know it's weird. I really love him and it hurts when he just brushes me off like I'm nothing anymore. I don't know what to do.

Posts: 12 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
MissSmarty
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My boyfriend and I have definately gone through periods of boring conversation. When we first started dating I remember staying up really late talking about the mysteries of life e.c.t. It's hard to keep that sort of thing going all the time.
I understand why you are worried about your relationship due to his lack of iniating gestures of love or affection, or being responsive toward your gestures of affection. Him saying, "k" instead of saying, "I love you" (which is what I am assuming he said at one point)is concerning too.
You really need to talk to him and let him know how you feel things have changed between the two of you. If I were you I would try and find out if there is anything going on outside of the relationship that is bothering him. If not, I would let him know that as much as I want to be with him, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me. Then, I would see what he said and wait to see if his actions went with his words.

Posts: 118 | From: Texas | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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