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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » HUGE relationship problem

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Author Topic: HUGE relationship problem
Member # 27441

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Me and my girl are terribly in love, but we have one big problem.
She leaves to school at 6 on the morning, comes from 4-7 and then she studies 2-3 hours a day and goes to bed at 10.
So naturally we don't see eachother form monday to thursday.
We are together only fridays, saturdays and very rarely sundays cause she has lots of school.

Now the second problem is, her parents. They are , sorry for this expression, but totally stupid and unlogical. Cause as soon as she comes form school they make her study, she doesn't even get some rest. They forbid her going out most of the time, like in 5 weeks they let her go out during the week like 3 times...
They are just too weird and I dont understand this.

I've talked a lot to my girl about this and told her I can't stand this silly rule, but it always ends up her saying that she cant do nothing about it and she usually ends up with her crying.
I understand it hurts her, but it hurts me too cause we can be together only couple of hours, 2 times per week. And we don't have the time to catch up all the things we want to, like be intimate, go out to the park, go out and eat....we can usually choose one thing and go with it but then we miss the other stuff...

I just don't know what to do anymore. Today we almost broke up, cause again I lost my nerve and yelled and she started crying again. I'm just so in love with her and we cant be together...

[ 03-18-2007, 10:50 AM: Message edited by: Heroic ]

Posts: 53 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Here's the thing, if she is living in her parent's house, and they are providing for her, then it's their rules. Whether you like the rule or not is a moot point.

School is an important thing, and so is studying. It's really not that odd, in my experience, for parents to make rules about studying rather than going out during the week. Remember that right now in her life, her parents think that school should be the priority (which, in thinking of long term consequences, is likely a sound thought) and are trying to encourage her to focus on it.

So what can you do? Well, if your partner is upset about this, she can talk with her parents about getting the rules changed. But in the end, if they are providing for her (especially if she's a minor), then it's their rules. Otherwise, the two of you can learn to deal with it. Be together when you can and cherish that time.

But really, it's not fair of you to yell at your partner about this (yelling is never good anyway). If she can't change anything about the situation, then getting upset about it or worrying about it doesn't help either one of you, and clearly it's putting more stress on her than she's already got. And in the end, if you can't handle not being able to go out more often, then maybe this isn't a good time for a relationship between the two of you.

[ 03-18-2007, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: KittenGoddess ]

Sarah Liz

Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28394

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Ouch, I really think you should try and control your temper, and there's not allot of excuse for reducing someone to tears on something they can't change. I think you know this, so please just control yourself.

I was in a similar situation as hers for a relationship and I really wanted to be with my partner so much more than I could be, and with a difficult Home life the last thing I would have needed is for her to have been shouting at ME over it!

We eventually broke up, and one of the reasons was how scarcely I was able to see her. It really should have happened sooner, as we drew out a lot more problems by trying to substitute things into a relationship that we were already unhappy with.

Unfortunately in this situation there is nothing you can do about it, but if you think staying with her is going to make you even more stressed, and make you put more pressure on her... there may be no kinder option than to have to break up.

It's a sad thing and I really sympathise, but unless you can learn to deal with it (which if you could, I'm sure you already would have done) you have to think what's best for her, and probably you too.

There's no reason why when she starts to get more freedom and/or leaves home you can't get back together or start seeing each other, if you both still want to.

Jacob - my Scarleteen Blog - Please help sustain scarleteen

Posts: 633 | From: Bedfordshire, UK | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 33078

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School is not about relationships, it's about studying. Her parents really want her to do well in school, and doing well in school means getting a scholorship worth up to several thousand dollars. It's only logical that they prefer that she studies instead of blowing off her work for friends, that is how you do extreamly well in school. It may seem stupid to you, but that type of hard work is what gets someone very far in life. Just try to work around it, and remember: when a vacation comes around, what is to stop you two?

"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 28071

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In my two year relationship with my significant other, more often than not he and I only saw each other once a week alone due to conflicts with work, college, and other committments. Seeing each other once a week didn't mean we didn't love each other, it simply meant that was the only reasonable time we had to actually be together. School and work had to come first. While this was frustrating at times, we both dealt with in because we knew that the situation was the way it was, and it couldn't be changed.

Same with your situation. While she is living under her parents roof, your girlfriend has to follow her parents rules. As has been said before she could possibly ask if the rule could be changed a little bit, but it will still not likely result in much extra time with her because her parents see her studying as something she needs to focus on in her life. Yelling at her about it will do nothing, because it isn't something that she can do anything about...and your getting angry is just introducing more stress into the relationship rather than solving a problem.

Is the situation the way things are now something you can learn to live with? 'Cause if it isn't, than it would probably be emotionally healthier to both of you to put the relationship on hold until you can, or until more time opens up for her (i.e. summer break)

Posts: 96 | From: Illinois | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Also, i think you may have unrealistic expectations about how much time couples actually spend together normally.

My husband and i barely see each other some weeks. He works the days that i have off and vice versa ... or he works nights and i work days. We both have jobs that require that we work weekends, so we don't even have those. There isn't always time for things that we want to do, together, but we deal. You have to just really make use of the time you DO have together ... Really enjoy it, and try not to get all upset over the time you don't have together, especially if it can't be helped.

Nursing is a work of heart!
~ unknown

Posts: 7168 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29769

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I was in a long distance relationship for 9 months where we saw each other once every 6 weeks, so once a week at least isnt bad.
I see my new partner now once a week, because now i work, my partner has uni and a job and he lives an hour and a half away.
It just makes you really appreciate the time you have together, and you really dont want your girlfriend to neglect her schoolwork and resent your relationship as a result of it, which i found myself doing in my last relationship.

Posts: 76 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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