(Yep, this is the relationships mod asking for the help of you all. )
Here's the skinny. My estranged best friend (let's call her Lisa) moved away during my freshman year of high school way up north. We regularly keep in touch through IM, and have only managed to see each other once. During this time, she had an internet boyfriend, and they had met once irl in a cross-country flight.
We met up at the mall, and when I got off the bus she was on the phone with him. Then we met, hugged, caught up. He called again, this time I sat on a bench for no less than 30 minutes while she tried to assure him "nothing would happen" and that she wouldn't cheat on him. He eventually agreed and let her go.
He kept calling in increments of five minutes, either to question his previous agreement, or to be accusing over something he overheard me say. Finally, pissed off as all hell that he couldn't let his girlfriend enjoy a visit with her best friend she hadn't seen in 3 years, I offered to talk to him and set him straight, but she wouldn't let me, and simply told him she was turning the phone off.
From there came the excuses.. the "he's so sweet when he's not ____" and "I love him." They ended up breaking up shortly after when he found a new online girl, and they remained close, and he kept her in detail about all the happenings, including the 3 subsequent girlfriends he did the same thing to.
In short, he's a crippled person without female attention with no self-esteem which he takes out with abusive behavior. Sure enough he IM'd her today saying he wanted her back, and she intends on doing it.
I've tried pulling out my mod-arsenal. I've tried to get her to believe me that this just isn't beneficial. She doesn't even know him! Nothing works. What if she DOES go through with these ideas on moving in with him? If someone's that abusive/manipulative online, where only the best characteristics shine through, how will he be in real life, day to day?
Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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Ugh. What a loser. I'm not really sure what else you can do, besides reiterate to your friend about what a creep this guy obviously is.
You could tell her my friend's horror story... she got an online boyfriend, fell in love and flew to meet him. He got her pregnant, and now she's living with her parents and her twin baby girls. He, however, has met a new girlfriend online, and just flew across the country to be with her! I'm starting to wonder if it's the same guy?!
But really. It's too bad you guys haven't been all that close in three years, I wonder if that has something to do with her not listening to you? Hopefully she doesn't move in with him. Because you're right, people are their sweetest in writing online. I wouldn't want to meet this guy IRL, that's for sure.
I hope someone else can come along and help you some more, because I don't think I really have. But I can relate (to both of you), and this is so obviously a disaster waiting to happen. I hope she realizes that before she has to learn the hard way.
Posts: 1180 | From: WA | Registered: Apr 2006
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Well, I would take this in a fairly strightforward deal. Tell her a story that seems to have nothing to do with it, and ask her what the logical choice should be. For example, tell her the story of a snail and a patch of seaweed. The snail goes onto a leaf, and says I want to be here forever. The leaf agrees that he can stay, but the snail then badly damages the leaf and goes on. He keeps on doing this to more leaves. Eventually he comes back to the first leaf. What should the leaf do? Your friend will probally say not take the snail back, and after she says this compare it to her boyfriend. I'm aware that a snail and leaves arn't a very good example, but it's the general idea I wanted to convey. Try that, if not, (maybe a low idea) tell her parents about it and see if they can influence her any. I know shes not with them anymore, but the more people that say it's a bad idea, the more likly she is not to do it.
~Selkie, wonder of the sea
-------------------- "Fear is the mind-killer" -Don't be afraid. Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007
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My best suggestion is to lay out the facts to her plain as day. What he did to her...that he did the EXACT same thing to 3 other girls since, that she deserves better. Similar to what Selkie suggested, you can ask her a more direct question of what suggests she would give you if you were in her situation. I've had friends at that point admit that everything seems really bad when looked at from the outside.
Unfortunatly, as I've learned from the 2 friends of mine who were in long standing emotionally abusive relationships, almost nothing you can say will prevent her from going back to him if that is what she decides to do. At that point the best you can do is be there for her, support her, and help her deal with the issues as they come (pointing out they aren't what she deserves as they come is a way of driving the point home too...but support is more crucial). Both of my friends got out of their respective relationships. I was a major factor in the second friend. But both of them chose to end it on their terms, when they had seen enough to know that it wasn't getting better.
I wish you the best of luck getting through to her. Best thing I can suggest on this is to be there for her and support her no matter what happens, because she will need support either way. I'm sorry my post is so dismal.
Posts: 96 | From: Illinois | Registered: Mar 2006
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