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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Weird friend

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Author Topic: Weird friend
PigmyPuff
Neophyte
Member # 29108

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One of the best friends I have is very smart, funny and I spend the greatest times with her. The thing is, everytime I bring up the dating-guys or boyfriend subjects, she just changes her expression. It's like the topic bothered her, and it's not a reaction only with me, but with all people.
I have had some sexual experiencies (manual sex) and would love to share them with her, or at least tell her what I've been up to, JUST because I trust her and I want her to know about my life and my mood (which is affected by these kind of experiences)!

Anyway, the point is, I feel like I can't talk openly about certain subjects with her which is a pitty 'cause she IS one of my best friends. Plus, I have a doubt: we are sixteen years old and most of us have raging hormones inside, doesn't she get the need to flirt with guys or date them?
Everytime I've asked her if she would like to have a boyfriend she said yes, but I see no effort from her to relate to the opposite sex in other way than simply friendly.

Maybe it's just me, but I think she hasn't fully grown that part of her personality. I have, so I'm afraid it might be an obstacle in the developement of our friendship, which I would completely HATE.


Could you tell me what to tell her or just help me understand her? If she didn't want a boy I would completely respect her, but it's just that I don't know what she wants. Says one thing, acts like another. Please, help!

Posts: 24 | From: Argentina | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
faifai
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 17971

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She could just be private and not want to disclose her personal, intimate details of relationships adn sex with you, or hear yours. Some people do think that what goes on between members of a relationship should stay between those people, and it is entirely normal to feel this way. However, as a friend you do have to choose whether it is more important for you to "kiss and tell," as it were, or risk alienating your friend if you insist on talking about it and she is uncomfortable with it.

I'm not sure what you mean by "she hasn't developed that part of her personality", though. If she doesn't want to date, it is her right to do so. She may be waiting for the right person, for marriage, for when she is independent of her family...any number of reasons. I don't quite see how this would negatively impact your friendship with her though. At least, I know I would be sad if my friend didn't want to be friends with me anymore just because I didn't have a boyfriend.

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disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in*

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
we are sixteen years old and most of us have raging hormones inside, doesn't she get the need to flirt with guys or date them?
Everytime I've asked her if she would like to have a boyfriend she said yes, but I see no effort from her to relate to the opposite sex in other way than simply friendly.

One other possibility, by the by, is that she isn't attracted to guys, period. Remember: not everyone is heterosexual, so for all you know, your friend may not be, either. Or, too, the things faifai brought up may simply be at play.

Hormones also don't create a "need" to flirt or date, for the record, nor is it weird to not be boy-crazy or not want to talk about sex and dating with a friend.

The easiest thing to do here, really, would just be to ask her if it would be okay with her for you to share whatever it is you want to share.

You know, my very best friend and I over the years quite rarely talk about sex, even given that sex is what I do for my living, so obviously, sexuality is a pretty huge part of my life. But she's got different priorities and focus, and lord knows we have so many other things in common and other things to talk about that it's just never been a big deal or something I've felt was a barrier.

[ 03-15-2007, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
greenapp1es
Activist
Member # 28071

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When I was 16 I had absolutely no interest in dating whatsoever. I knew I'd want a boyfriend eventually, but I didn't want to go through all the "little relationships" which were prevalent at my high school because in my eyes it wasn't worth my time. I retrospect I wish I'd considered things differently, but the reality is a relationship just wasn't something I wanted right then.

Also, in terms of relating to guys in nothing but a friendly manner....My thoughts at 16 which remain my thoughts now were that I woudn't consider dating anyone who wasn't a friend first. That might be her mechanism to "screen" people so to speak to see if they would be someone I'd be interested in dating.

There are a host of other reasons she could be acting this way. But her interactions with guys are her choice...as would her interactions with girls be her choice if she decided that to be her preference. If you want to talk sexual stuff with her ask her how she feels about it, if she's uncomfortable back off. It seems there are still a myriad of other things you have in common where this shoudn't be something that would make or break your friendship.

Posts: 96 | From: Illinois | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PigmyPuff
Neophyte
Member # 29108

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I have no problem whatsoever of backing off if she doesn't want to hear about my "kiss and tell", using your words. I just feel really uncomfortable when I see the look on her face when I'm talking about guys stuff with my other best friend, like she couldn't stand it. You might think I may be imagining those looks, but it's not just me who has spotted this kind of attitude.
I by no means want to change the way she is, I only want to understand her.

Referring to Faifai's post,

"I don't quite see how this would negatively impact your friendship with her though. At least, I know I would be sad if my friend didn't want to be friends with me anymore just because I didn't have a boyfriend."


I wouldn't stop being friends with ANY ONE because they didn't have a boyfriend! It's not like that. I think I didn't explain myself correctly there. I just don't want her to feel excluded or something when this particular subject is brought up. I feel this as a barrier because if she feels bad, I can't feel completely right.

Posts: 24 | From: Argentina | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Maybe then in helping you to understand, can you accept that it isn't "weird" for her not to be comfortable with those conversations, just different from you and your other friends?

And again, can you not just ask about her comfort levels and what's okay with her?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Selkie
Activist
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Maybe she is simply shy, or doesn't find anyone particularly attractive?
took me several years befor I found someone that I liked, and wanted to ask.

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"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
PigmyPuff
Neophyte
Member # 29108

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When I posted the last reply I wanted to change the name of the topic because I really don't think she's weird for not dating or something like that. Her behaviour is just difficult for me to understand.
I will ask her about her comfort levels and what's okay with her, thanks heather
What I haven't told you (because it doesn't have to do anything with sexuality or sex itself) is that the attitude i get from her is like a mix of uncomfort and jealousy. She has done things that have made me think that she's really jealous of my friendship with our other best friend and I have already discussed this with her: she says she has low self-steem and that we will split up and that I can get friends anywhere but she can't.
My reply to that was that we wouldn't split up because we wouldn't let the relationship drift apart and that I loved her with all my heart, but couldn't get why she thought we would break apart.
She did not answer me that and we had this talk like a month ago now, and I can't see any improvements in her behaviour. I feel like she doesn't want to stop being friends with us but still, we put all our effort in making her feel included but she's the one that doesn't accept the gesture.

I'm really concerned with this jealousy - uncomfort posture, I just thought sex was one of the big issues in her mind but maybe that's not it.

Posts: 24 | From: Argentina | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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