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Author Topic: college problem
88Jigowatts
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Member # 32737

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i am a senior in high school, and my girlfriend is a junior. I am going off to college in the fall, and i am living on campus. it is only about an hour drive from where i live now. over the past few months we have been in a state of complete worry and misery. my girlfriend is terrified ill meet someone else in college, or that ill party all the time and all of that. I constantly reassure her that ill be too focused on my studies to do any of that, and that i dont even want party or anything in the first place. Still, she is worried sick day and night. I do not blame her or get mad at her for being so upset, i would be the same way if i was her. But now she's becoming so depressed that she says how she justs wants to die, and she claims that she keeps cutting her wrists. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!!!!! id do anything to make her feel better and to take away all of her pain and misery, but its like i NEED to go to college to get a good job and make something of my life....so what do i do to make things right? [Frown] [Confused]
Posts: 5 | From: Mass. | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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Woah, woah, woah. (Yeah, I seriously just said that aloud three times in succession.)

Some anxiety upon a partner attending college is normal; getting horribly depressed to the point of self-mutilation is not. She needs help now; can you encourage her to see the school counselor, at the very least?

There comes a point in most relationships where the phrase "You carry your rocks, and I'll carry mine" applies. You've assured her thoroughly that you won't be screwing off while away, and have tried everything in your power to try to convince her otherwise. Prioritizing a romantic relationship over education is something ill-advised, so that's not really an option.

Sounds like she has some trust and self-esteem issues; while you can certainly help her along the way, SHE needs to carry the burden of taking steps to healing these issues. So, see if you can talk to her about getting that help, okay?

[ 03-13-2007, 09:48 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gumdrop Girl
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quote:
Originally posted by 88Jigowatts:
... But now she's becoming so depressed that she says how she justs wants to die, and she claims that she keeps cutting her wrists. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO!!!!!

Dude, that just REEKS of manipulation. She is trying to guilt trip you into behaving yourself at college, instead of just trusting you to keep your wits about you. Anyway, she needs to get help and knock it off with the manipulative behavior. It's immature and self-destructive.

A 1 hour drive is NOT far. All relationships will evolve as our lives evolve. College is a big step, and the choices we make will shape that experience. But I think it's way too much to expect of you to not go to school and not have some new experiences. Heck, if you have a car, it's not a big deal to just drive home on the weekends to see each other. I work with people who have commutes longer than an hour. They come to work EVERYDAY. Surely the mileage shouldn't that huge of an impediment.

Lastly, it's MARCH. You won't be going to college till at least mid-August. If you two keep spending all this time freaking out over your departure, then you are going to miss FIVE MONTHS of good times. It's time to focus on the time you have now.

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Posts: 12677 | From: Los Angeles, CA ... somewhere off the 10 | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
floridian2x
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Hey Gumdrop..

quote:
Originally posted by 88Jigowatts:
... But now she's becoming so depressed that she says how she justs wants to die, and she claims that she keeps cutting her wrists. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO

quote:
Dude, that just REEKS of manipulation. She is trying to guilt trip you into behaving yourself at college, instead of just trusting you to keep your wits about you.
I don't think that she is trying to guilt trip him into behaving himself at college. She probably KNOWS he will behave himself, but... you know, its probably always there in the back of her mind that he will do something. you know? Even though she knows he won't do anything, its just always there that he might.

Also, I'd probably be the same way. I mean, I wouldn't be cutting myself or anything... but I'd be sad and depressed if my guy were leaving for college. I have friends. But they aren't very close.. I'm always there for them, but they are never there for me. I ask them how they are and talk to them about evething thats going on in their lives, but i get nothing back from them. No reciprication at all! It makes me hate my friends a lot of the time because I care about them, but not one of them seems to care about me. So, If my guy were going off to college, and I had to be stuck with my friends I have now, I KNOW I'd be wicked sad if he weren't there for me. Especially since hes the only one that really cares about me.

Maybe this situation is the same for Jigowatts Girlfriend. You just never know.

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--the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return--

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Selkie
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I wish I had an hour's drive... and I go there and back every singel day... I've simply gotten used to spending a really long time in a car or bus, it takes awhile to get used to at first, but then you eventually get used to it. I'm not saying go there and back all the time! Just tell her that your nearby, and that it is really easy to commute back to her. That could make her feel better.
Also, if you are going to try that, I highly recomend finding some form of public transportation. It's cheaper, and you can get work done on the ride. (Unless you get horribly carsick, I know some ways to prevent carsickness if your so-so on it)

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"Fear is the mind-killer"
-Don't be afraid.

Posts: 117 | From: I'd prefer to keep it private | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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floridian, it's possible she's in the same situation as you; however, that's no excuse for her behavior. This could very well be a sign of manipulation, much like self-harm is often threatened/layed upon a partner who wants to break up.

His gf seriously needs to turn the freakout factor down a notch or get help. As has been pointed out, a boyfriend going to college a mere hour away is no big deal, and she should be able to trust him to behave himself even without his desperate attempts to get her to believe him.

I apologize if this is blunt, but if she's lonely and withdrawn it's her fault, not his; it's perfectly within her power to expand her social cicle and make friends through several mediums. Somebody who honest-to-God CAN'T? Doesn't have the social and emotional skills necessary for a healthy relationship in the first place.

[ 03-16-2007, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: Miss Lauren ]

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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