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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » In over my head. What to do?

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Author Topic: In over my head. What to do?
Sedi Tlugvi
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This is soooo long. Sorry [Embarrassed] I didn't figure on it taking that much. :]

Lately, I’ve been so stressed out and I don’t know what to do. I guess I should start from the beginning. My mom had this okay car that she always said was going to be the one I drive when the time comes. But then, she up and went and bought this really crappy, over priced car off ebay on the excuse that it was “cute.” Granted, everyone makes mistakes. Okay, sure. That, I can live with. But then she decided that she didn’t want it anymore after investing a large sum of a money into getting it fixed up. It won’t sell for anything now, so it’s my car. Only, I use that term loosely. Because, the only time it’s “my” car, is when there’s a bill to be paid. Insurance? My car. Exhaust system needs replacing? My car. Gas tank needs filled? My car. All of these things [and more] I’ve been paying out of pocket. But when it comes to me driving her somewhere when they don’t greatly approve…”It’s your mother’s car and SHE says where it goes.”

Now, my mom has her own issues and I worry about her a lot. She’s on medication for depression and obsesses over things. Like, she buys DVDs by the box set and watches them straight through. Excessively. She doesn’t go out anywhere anymore and doesn’t care about it, either. She’s just always watching TV. She owns her own small business close to our home, but doesn’t have the motivation to go down much anymore but a couple times a week. My boyfriend call’s her lazy…but, I don’t think she really is…I just think something’s wrong. And it’s not like she’s sad and mopey or anything. She’s perfectly content…as long as she’s watching TV.

So, to the actual situation…I’m taking a class at a local college with my boyfriend (who is a year older than me). We’ve been dating for three or so years now. At first, my parents were strictly against it. I wouldn’t be able to have the money, the time, be able to keep up my grades, etc, all the common arguments. But I fought, made the money [I’ve a job as a cashier at a mall store] in time, have been keeping my grades up [they’re even better than they were last semester], etc. I made a lot of sacrifices to get into that class and am kinda proud of myself, actually. My boyfriend agreed to what he thought would be driving me to class until I got my license [which I ended up getting before the college year even started], then, afterwards, I would drive my car to his house and he would take us in his car to the school [about 15 mins. Away]. Then, after class, we’d drive back, I’d get in my car and drive home. But apparently my parents thought he was agreeing to just pick me up from home everyday. Biiiig misunderstanding that erupted into a chaotic argument. But we worked it out and now we’re doing things as we thought they had been agreed on. That’s on Thursdays and Tuesdays. Sundays, we also have class, and he’s been picking me up from my house [well out of the way, btw] to take me down. Everything’s been fine so far.

Then the snow came. It's been gone for awhile now, but my mom...Oh, I dunno. It's not icy out or anything at all.

Yesterday, my mom sat me down and was all “there is NO discussing this. He is picking you up from our house and taking you to school. Period. I don’t care what either of you say.” And here is where it begins pissing me off. For three years, they have expected him to drive me anywhere at their will. It’s never, “Would you ask him if he would mind driving you down?” It’s always, “He’s going to.” They never ask or consult with him and, if he doesn’t, they get made or just say “You’re not going anywhere.” So, yesterday, he reluctantly agreed to. He had wanted to get there early to work on a report, but because he had to go out of his way to pick me up, didn’t get but 15 mins to do so. So, now he’s angry and fed up with my parents.
Can’t say I blame him. He wants me to drive to his house on Sunday for when we go down and I know my mother’s going to have a fit over it. But, either way, someone’s getting angry and I could miss out on class.

I’m contending with my parents AND my boyfriend. On one end, I’m just as annoyed with the situation as he is, but when he starts badmouthing my mom, I get really angry. Hypocrit? Yeaaaaaa.

I’m trying to buy my own car, but money’s really tight, because I have to keep paying for all the crap on her car. To be honest, I really just want out for a while. I’m not financially secure enough by far to move out right now. My boyfriend lives with his grandfather and says he wouldn’t mind me moving in with him at all. I just don’t want my mom to be angry with me or hurt her. And I know if I did she would threaten to not pay for my college education next year.

I’m lost and pissed and frustrated and despairing. Bleeeeh. Advice, please?

[ 02-23-2007, 09:05 PM: Message edited by: Rally ]

Posts: 75 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
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How old are you? If you're over 18, you can ask if you can have the car moved into your name. Then it truly becomes "your" car.

Otherwise? If your boyfriend doesn't mind supporting you as your ride until you can do this, you could simply hand the keys BACK to your mother, and no longer take responsibility for it. Doing so would allow you to save money a bit faster.

Also, have you considered sitting down with your mother and talking to her? Letting her know how she's put you in this situation?

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Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
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Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sedi Tlugvi
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Yes, I'm 18. But she would never agree to that. I've even asked her about my possibly buying the car offh er and, in her own words, "Never in your life could you buy this car for all the money I've put into it." So I doubt she'd just hand it over to me.

Giving up the car entirelly is out of the question, as well. Not only does my boyfriend mind driving me anymore, but I need the car to get to work.

It's really hard to talk to my mom anymore about this situation. Either I'm putting HER in the middle or causing her too much stress or the like as well, so I've no reason to complain or "the situation is closed" and there's no more discussing it. Besides, if I did talk to my mom about any of it, my stepdad would get angry and give me the usual smartass comments about "Crying to my mommy." Yea. Bleh.

Posts: 75 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
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Are there any other friends you can bum rides off of? What about a co-worker?

Finally, what is the public transportation like in your city? I know in Seattle, it sucks, but if I absolutely needed to, I could make it work. Is this an option for you?

It sounds like what you really, really need is independence, and you've been backed into a corner. And that frankly is not a fun place to be in.

How long do you have until you graduate? I know a lot of car dealerships around here give discounts and do a "no-money down easy terms" sort of lease on cars for recent grads. There may also be other options for you in the transportation area.

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Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
Love Scarleteen? Donations keep us around for you. So give a little! (Or a lot. Whatever works for you.)

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Sedi Tlugvi
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Well, we finally talked about it. And the big, big issue at hand, apparently, is the fact my boyfriend swore up and down that he would drive me to and from class. Basically a huge arguement spilled out about the entire situation. I told them that most of my boyfriend's anger and resentment is over the fact that they demand he takes me everywhere, rather than politely ask if he would mind.

So, everything was going smoothly until my stepdad brought the whole, "If he really loved you, he wouldn't have a problem with doing it." Apparently because he does everything around the house before even requesting my mother and I do anything, we're expected to thank him relentlessly and that is how my boyfriend should do things. I don't think this has anything to do with how much my boyfriend loves me, however. [Roll Eyes] So yea. My mum eventually apologized and now my boyfriends okay and will be picking me up tomorrow for class.

I discussed getting my own car and such with mom and she seems all for it. Of course, she was all, "Well, you're 18, go on, you can move out anytime you'd like." I know she doesn't mean it, though.

As for transportation around here, the buses r un pretty smoothly, but never at the times I'm working. ha.

I guess I'll just have to keep everyone cool until I'm able to get my own car so I don't get told to "hang up [my] keys."

I'll definitly have to check out the policies at different car dealerships. Thanks. It's only 3 more months til I graduate.

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faifai
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Why aren't you driving yourself to class? You say they let you use the car for work, so why is going to school any different? The whole carpool thing doesn't seem to be working out.

Perhaps I haven't read your post correctly. But why exactly are your parents relying on your boyfriend to take you places when you already have a car? He's not your brother who can be expected to just do it out of obligation. If they are refusing to let you use the car for whatever reason and it is out of the way for your boyfriend, your parents should be the one driving you places, not him.

The "I don't care what either of you have to say" line is really bothering me. He's not their kid, and it is very unreasonable of them to expect him to be at their call whenever you need a ride because they won't let you use the car that should be yours. I think the level of your parents' involvement in your relationship with your boyfriend is just too high. It's not up to them to say that "if he really loved you, he'd do it." That's up to you and him!

Also, if your mother wants control over how you use the car, she should be the one paying for insurance, gas, and all that and she should be the one using it. Either you're responsible for the car or they are, it isn't at all fair for them to make you pay for the car and yet be unable to use it as "yours. If they want control of the car so badly, just give them back the keys and find your own means of transportation. If your boyfriend is up for it, you could continue to rely on him, but you should also chip in for gas if he's driving you around (that is, if you aren't already helping him out like this).

Your location isn't listed so I'm not sure how your area's public transport is, but this situation with your parents, your boyfriend and the car could turn even uglier the way it is going. Used cars can be a good deal, and insurance is often cheaper on them because of their age, and there are plenty of people here who would be more than happy to give you advice on how to buy one. Yes, money could be tight, but getting that kind of independence can be even more valuable.

[ 02-25-2007, 04:19 PM: Message edited by: faifai ]

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disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in*

Posts: 640 | From: The Valley of the Sun, AZ, USA | Registered: May 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sedi Tlugvi
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faifai-

You've hit it. Basically, you've voiced every opposition that my boyfriend has.

If it were up to me, I would be driving myself to school. It's about 15-20 minutes away at the most. And, I dunno, my parents don't think I can handle driving that far every Tues., Thurs. & Sunday [even though I do it occasionally for other reasons]. Esp. in the winter when it may snow while we're at rehersal. It's not like my boyfriend's thunderbird has four wheel drive or anything, though. But, in the beginning, my parents were strictly opposed to my taking the class at all. Tuition was cut in half, so it was only about 690 for the class, but they didn't think I'd make the money or have the time to do it. My parents said if I wanted to take the class that I'd have to do it all myself, they would have no involvment in it. So my boyfriend swore up and down to my mom and stepdad that he would provide me with full transportation. Only, when he agreed to this, he thought he was agreeing to do it only up until I got my driver's liscence. Apparently, this was not the case with my parents. So now they expect him to stick to their deal, but, personally, I think they're being much too anal about it. So, it's either, "He sticks to it, or you're hanging up your keys and not doing the class", I think.

And, no, you read my post very correctly. :] When it doesn't come to driving to class, they aren't as goofy with asking him to take me places anymore. Like, I'm allowed to drive to work and his house and the mall and anywhere around town, etc. It's just with this class.

As for my mom paying the insurance, gas, etc. She doesn't use the car [like I said earlier, she does't go much of anywhere anymore], so basically, if I use, I maintain it or something similiar. I think, last night during our arguement, I brought up something like this or used the word "fair" about my boyfriend and she flipped. "Fair, life's not fair! Don't talk to me about fair or you'll never see so many demons!" Bleh.

My parents really haven't driven me much of anywhere in the longest time. For the first two weeks of my job, my mom drove me to work, but she complained every.single.day.

MY boyfriendh as a VERY, VERY big issue with my parents treating them like their kid. I dunno, my stepdad has some backwards way of thinking that if he loved me enough he would do whatever it is they ask because he respects them and their wishes or something. It's just ridiculous.

Posts: 75 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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