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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » College friend problems

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Author Topic: College friend problems
Member # 30315

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So, I'm in my first year at university, and on the whole people are very nice here, but I have very few close friends. Those people I do like very much ALL live on the floor below me in my dorm room, and apparently it's too much trouble for them to come up one flight of stairs to my room (or take the elevator, or even call me - they all have my phone number) when they go do things. I go down to their rooms occasionally, every other day-ish, sometimes more often than that, but they almost never come up to get me. I don't think they actually dislike me (they all gave me huge hugs when we got back from vacation), I just feel like they don't think I'm part of "the group." If I were living on their floor I'm sure it would be different, but unfortunately I'm not and I can't really change my living arrangements. Is there anything I can do? Anybody else ever have this problem? I mean, I'm okay with staying in most nights; I'm not a huge partier. But it would be nice to, you know, have a regular group to eat dinner with, instead of just maybe once or twice a week.

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately
Everyone deserves the chance to fly

Posts: 365 | From: DC | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 13388

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Hey Lucy, I know your situation. [Smile] I'll start by saying that I think it's common for first years to hang out mostly with their floormates. It's certainly convenient but that's also a problem: Are these people friends of convenience or true friends? That's probably what they're asking themselves. I wouldn't take their behavior as disliking you so much as sticking to what they know and, well, being lazy.

I've had the same thing when I'd go across campus to visit friends only to have them rarely visit me. However, once sophomore year rolls around, the whole friend thing gets redefined. Your "real" friends will come see you, just as you'll see them; no one really has the "luxury" of built-in floor pals.

On one hand, if they all like hanging out together, their location is better. On the other hand, that thought is pretty limiting. Why not invite some of the ones you get along with best over, like to watch a movie or go to a museum (I assume you're in Washington, DC?) Honestly, they're probably looking for a break from the hall. If they say no, no big deal, but you tried. What about asking classmates, especially if you have late classes, about meeting up for dinner? What about setting up a dinner-time study group?

What about just starting conversations with other people sitting alone in the dining hall? Or asking a group of friendly people if you can sit with them? I'd start looking for friends in addition to these people. Are you involved in any clubs or community organizations? I think these are some of the best places to meet friends, because you share interests and many such groups are inclusive. In fact, it can be a lot easier to get involved and included as a "single" person than with a bunch of current friends tagging along.

So, you're hardly alone-- this situation isn't a rejection of you but just the way first year college friends can work out. However, after some looking I'm sure you'll find a lot of nice people. (As I said, just wait until everyone returns next year and see how everyone is mixed up!) I'd also recommend maybe talking to that floor's RA: s/he might be able to give you some feedback on why this is the case. As well as maybe tell you that not everything's all peachy keen on the floor normally either; honestly, there's something nice about being able to go and hang out with people when you want versus having them always be there...

Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 31745

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You're probably right thinking that it's not them disliking you, it's just a convenience issue. If you're really bumming about it you can always talk to them. But like what Lena just said about being easier to hang out with your roommates is right. I'll be honest though and say that I don't even have friends at school, not that I'm playing a pity card, but it's nice to have them when you need them, then have them always be around. How about the girls in your dorm upstairs? First year at college is tricky, hang in there, things will work out.
Posts: 40 | From: US | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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