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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How to tell the parents?

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Author Topic: How to tell the parents?
Trasvi
Neophyte
Member # 31498

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Gday all

Short story: my girlfriend is worried about her parents finding out we're having sex.

Longer version: We're 17. We've been going out for 3 months officially, but there has been about four YEARS worth of.. something special.. between us. We were 'together' for a couple of weeks 'bout three years back, but, circumstances broke us up and we've been best friends for most of the time up til now; we still are best friends.
We've been very... physical.. ever since we started going out. It was both of our first times on the second date, but we figure we're just catching up on the lost time [Wink] .
I love her dearly and i tell her so all the time, and she says the same.

The twist: But her parents are possibly slightly naive as to what is going on, her dad is a bad person to be on the wrong side of, and basically she is worried about what their reactions would be if we got found out. She's outwardly a very shy girl, not at all the type you'd expect to be going the whole way with a boyfriend of only 3 months (most people would guess 3 years would be needed for her)

The big question: So how do we break it to them? Do we say nothing, keep going and hope that we dont get caught, and just let them make the assumptions eventually? Do we just go straight out and say "we've been doing it under your noses for the last 3 months"? Or just leave not-so-subtle hints, condom wrappers or overnight stays at hotels together?

The reason i am concerned, is 1) That she is concerned, 2) that her dad would kill me, and 3) that it is getting frustrating having to sneak around; with both of us starting at different universities and living a half-hours drive from each other, theres not going to be much time apart from evenings to see each other, and it would just be a lot easier not to have to pretend.

Any help?
Trasvi

Posts: 14 | From: Australia | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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Member # 13388

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quote:
Originally posted by Trasvi:
Gday all

Guten Tag! (I remember learning that Australians say Gday, but it's neat to see someone actually say it. [Smile] )

quote:
The big question: So how do we break it to them? Do we say nothing, keep going and hope that we dont get caught, and just let them make the assumptions eventually? Do we just go straight out and say "we've been doing it under your noses for the last 3 months"? Or just leave not-so-subtle hints, condom wrappers or overnight stays at hotels together?

The reason i am concerned, is 1) That she is concerned, 2) that her dad would kill me, and 3) that it is getting frustrating having to sneak around; with both of us starting at different universities and living a half-hours drive from each other, theres not going to be much time apart from evenings to see each other, and it would just be a lot easier not to have to pretend.

I hear you on this. I think: You two have a great relationship, are sexually active-- just enjoy it! But I'm not your parents and you have to deal with them as long as you're living under their roof.

I would recommend against getting caught, just not telling them, because things can really blow up. I've done the whole sneaking around thing, got caught and suffered negative consequences. So I'd really look into an option. Plus, worrying so much about it can really put a damper on being sexual.

I see you're both now at uni? How old are you? Are you both still living at home? Should you be 18+ and at least one of you is living in a dorm, I don't think it's a problem. That you don't need to tell your parents. But I'm guessing the situation is different.

You know her and your parents; what do you think? You mention her dad is scary, what about her mom? What about just asking if you can sleep over at each other's houses? What about just talking about their feelings on sex without immediately saying you're having sex? If you think this is all too stressful, what about at least one of you moving out to either a dorm or shared apartment? That way it's your own space to do whatever you want.

quote:
She's outwardly a very shy girl, not at all the type you'd expect to be going the whole way with a boyfriend of only 3 months (most people would guess 3 years would be needed for her)
Shy or outgoing, being covered from head-to-toe or wearing a miniskirt, cutting class to smoke or sitting in the first row, being sexually active (to whatever degree) really has nothing to do with how we come across to others. I'm sure you don't mean it, but saying this is stereotyping. So let's be careful with this here. [Smile]
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Trasvi
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What i was trying to get at with the 'stereotyping' is that other people stereotype her that way. Including the rest of her family.

We have been kind of thinking about moving in together somewhere, but, thats a little bit too fast for everyone i think and even though the relationship is great and i *want* it to last forever, i dont think such a big commitment so early is good. The place isnt so much the problem; we both have cars and we've been using them if privacy is in short supply.

One of the problems is that, her family thinks she is very... innocent. She says her mum was shocked out of her mind when she saw us kissing once, and decided that she'd never let us be alone together so that kind of thing wouldnt happen again.

I think my parents would take it well; shocked maybe, but they're fairly realistic people. Just, we're neither of us sure how her parents would react; her mum is kind of naive and would be shocked, her dad... could potentially break us up and put a restraining order on me. If im still alive.

Basically i think that it would be a much better idea for them to find out by us telling them rather them walking in on us; but i'm thinking that maybe if we could just keep going and we dont get found out and they eventually assume what we're doing, maybe that would be a lot easier and more comfortable for everyone.

Posts: 14 | From: Australia | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Beppie
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Member # 94

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I think Ecofem was suggesting that one or both of you could move in with friends, rather than with each other. This would give you some extra privacy, but you wouldn't have to take the huge step of living together this early in your relationship.

I think that if you feel that your partner's parents would really flip out, it's best to avoid having sex while at their place. And, if you haven't got them already, I'd suggest that you both look into part time work-- this will be necessary if one of you leaves home anyway, and it will certainly give your partner more autonomy. You say you're about to start uni, so I'm guessing that you'll be turning 18 within the next couple of months, at which point her parents won't have any hold over her except financial ones, and the more money she has, the less of a hold they will have.

You are both over the age of consent for any state in Australia, and regardless of whether her father is angry or not, it is illegal for him to threaten you with violence, or carry out any act of violence against you (or against her of course). There is no way that he could get a restraining order that would prevent you from seeing her. Your girlfriend is her own woman, and she is the only person who could do that legally.

I agree with Ecofem that you don't really need to make a big "Hey, we're having sex" announcement-- you're both old enough, and from the sound of things, both mature enough, not to have parental figures monitoring your sexual activity. If you really feel like you need some allies though, do either of you have an older brother or sister you could confide in about this? Perhaps they would have some relevant advice.

Posts: 2710 | From: Australia | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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