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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » My boyfriend and his mom.

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Author Topic: My boyfriend and his mom.
Dxwn
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Me and my boyfriend have been going out for about 7 months now. We fixed the main problems in our relationship and we're doing well. The only problem is: his mom. She dosen't like me at all for no reason. Whenever I call and ask to talk to him, I have to block my number and say I'm someone else so she'll let me talk to him or even pick up the phone.

My boyfriend is 17 and I have no idea why his mom dosen't like me so much. Lately, my boyfriend has been grounded, and we have been talking every now and then. But now, his mom is grounding him for EVERY LITTLE thing. Like, a few weeks ago, he missed an appointment and she grounded him for who knows how long. I think it's because his mom dosen't want him talking to me. I just don't understand why she dispises me so. I'm also a bit younger than him but she dosent know that. Any ideas on what's going on?

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DarkChild717
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The best way to find out, really, is to ask her. [Smile]

Try approaching her respectfully; don't be accusing, and tell her how it makes you feel. "I" statements are great tools. That's really the only way to find out. We can't mind read, as much as we'd like to. [Smile]

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conan
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You can catch more bees with honey than vinegar! I would suggest that you find ways to compliment her and not condemn her. As much as you find it repulsive you will get a lot further my saying nice things about her than negative things. Make sure that people that know her hear you say nice things about her and the family. It may take time but it will eventually work.

Mothers are often very protective of their sons. In many homes today a son is the only male figure in the house. I think this affects the way that Mothers deal with their sons. They often don't want them to be like their dads. Who knows? This may be completely off base.

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listlesslise
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Well, obviously I am not you, and don't know all the nuances of the situation or anything, but it seems to be like jsut being *nice* isn't going to help if she already doesn't like you. Besides, most of us can tell when we're being flattered for reasons other than to raise our slef esteem of whatever... Inshort, I think it'd be pretty drn easy for her to tell that you were trying to get on her good side. Mind you, I don't think criticizing everything she does (even you you reeeeeeally don't agree with it) isn't going to do too much good either. As Darkchild said, I would for sure talk to her about how she's making you feel - my ex's dad was insanely over protective, and talking with him really helped. He still didn't like me all that much, but when I told him his constant shielding of his son from me was making me very upset, he did loosen up a little. Good luck [Smile]

P.S. conan - I don't think encouraging the stereotype of the "treasured male child" really does anyone any good.

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Dxwn
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Thank you everyone for your replies. I would like to try talking to her but we're in a long distance relationship, which makes things even tougher. And he is the only male in the house. He has two sisters then his mom. And the thing is now that I can't even talk to my boyfriend anymore because she won't let him use the computer or answer the phone even when my number is blocked. So it's pretty hard to even talk to him about it.
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Ecofem
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Dxwn, if the situation has gotten to the point that he's banned from the computer and your number is blocked, I'd try to take a step back. It sounds really unfair and I can imagine it's really hard on both of you, but it sounds like you'll have to respect her wishes. Or at least take a break until she becomes less restrictive. (Have you met in person or has it been strictly an internet thing?)
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Dxwn
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I haven't met her in person but I've met him. And my number is not blocked on her phone I have to block my number (*67) and say I'm someone else if she answers. And he's baneed from the computer because he's grounded. But she's grounded him for every little thing since October. He was supposed to get let off at the beginning of this month but he missed an appointment and she grounded him again. He's almost 18, and we both want to continue with our relationship. He and I both think it has something to do with my ethnicity(sorry about the spelling). They are "white" and I am "black". Could that be one of the problems she has with me?
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Heather
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Tough to say, really, but if he's mentioned that his parents have racial bias, then -- sadly -- it's always a possibility. Can I ask how it is they know your race but not your age?

The other thing to bear in mind, too, is that it's always tough to know the whole of a situation, especially if you don't see a partner often or even know their friends and family. If you don't see him very regularly, for all you know, there may be other conflicts going on, too, not just conflicts over you or his relationship with you. For instance, why is he grounded?

You do have the option of calling, asking to talk to her, and sensitively asking what's going on, and what she'd like you to do here.

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Dxwn
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Yeah. She knows my race but not my age because she has seen my picture when I am talking to my boyfriend online. And I've told her recently my age. He was grounded just recently due to missing an appointment, which seems a bit severe to me.

I know I do have the option of calling, but now that option is gone. Last night I tried to call and talk to him with *67 blocking my number, but she did not answer. And I already have an idea of what she wants me to do- stop talking to my boyfriend but we've already agreed that's out of the question. And his parents are divorced and not living together, but that happened a long time ago.

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Leabug
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(with regards to missing the appt- I was grounded for that once, because I missed the appointment and didn't call in and tell them, they charged my mom a cancellation fee of 200 bucks, at a time when money was a bit tight... so if that's the sort of situation his family's in, maybe it's not severe? [Razz] )

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Lea

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Dxwn
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No I believe he told me it was an appointment with a counselor at his school and that is free. He even told me himself that it was a bit unfair.
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Leabug
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ahh, okay, that's maybe a bit much then.

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Lea

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Dxwn
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Yeah I know. That's where I got the idea that she just dosen't want me talking to him. It's not like I'm a bad person. I've never been in trouble at school and I've never gotten anything below a B in any class. I'm taking classes that are like 2 years above my grade level and I only got 1 B and the rest A's. I just don't get why she dosen't like me. I haven't been a bad influence on him at all.
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Heather
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You know, it really sounds to me like your boyfriend is the one who needs to work things out with his folks here and ASK about what the issues are, and seek solutions.

Just sneaking around -- for which he'll likely get caught -- isn't often a sound solution. What happens then is that even more distrust is fostered on YOU, he winds up in more trouble and with greater restrictions.

Not knowing why the counseling app't was so important -- or what it's for -- it's impossible to say what's going on as a third party here. But I'm wondering if even you really don't know the whole of what's up. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, can, but he's got to step it up and bring this to the table with his folks.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Dxwn
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Yeah I have been telling him for awhile to ask her about it. I don't know what is really going on there, but I'm guessing his mom is intent on keeping it that way. I guess I'll just have to wait for her to come around or for my boyfriend to talk with her about it.
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