Ever have one of those arguments where you nearly kick the other person out of their own apartment? Yeah. Those are fun.
This weekend my boyfriend informed me that he had been sampling LSD despite me telling him several times that I didn't want him going near the stuff. I was hurt, he felt like trash for upsetting me...the whole thing was just an unpleasant mess. I told him that I wasn't going to break up with him -- I could see how geniunely sorry he was -- but now I'm not sure where to go from here.
I wasn't lying when I said I wanted to stay together. I know he's sorry, we do love each other, and I don't want to throw the towel in on a year-long relationship after one big fight. We agreed he wouldn't try any form of drugs again if we were going to stay together. I'm still a bit hurt, however, and I don't want there to be this massive proverbial elephant in the living room that we're both ignoring. It doesn't help that he's been massively busy with work lately and we've been missing each other on the phone a lot. I'm trying really, really hard not to become resentful because I know his work is important to him. The drug bit has just added a whole new layer of stress to things that I didn't see coming.
Basically, I'm looking for feedback from people who have had to deal with broken trust issues and how you worked through them. The last thing I want to do is form a grudge. The only input I've gotten from friends is "dump him!" which, while an option, isn't very constructive advice when trying to repair things. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Posts: 39 | From: United States | Registered: May 2006
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If you plan on staying with this person, I can't stress enough how important it is that you seek counseling. Drugs are not something that most people can just stop because they're sorry or because they feel bad. They are addictive. Period. Even "sampling" (however one defines that) is quite dangerous. And one of the biggest things that we often see with these types of issues, especially when one partner has broken trust with the other and knows it, is that the habit goes underground. So in other words, he may feel bad about hurting you/breaking trust, but still wants/needs the drugs, thus it is better to lie to you about it rather than upsetting you. This is something that often happens to the most seemingly solid couples when it comes to issues of drugs and other addiction. So even if he is genuinely sorry, this is probably not be something that he will be able to manage alone in the long run. And even if he genuinely wants to not "sample," he may not be able to stay away from it on his own without some help to restructure his thinking and his life.
So if you want to salvage this, you have GOT to get into some therapy. He needs help for the drugs and you both need couples counseling together to help work through the trust issue and the other stuff. And if either one of you is not willing to do that, then I'd be inclined to agree as well that it's time to get out of this relationship. Drugs are nasty stuff, and the issues and dangers that come with a drug addicted partner (or even one who experiments with drugs) are significant. Most people cannot handle it on their own, even the best intentioned/strongest/hardest-working.
You also really need to sit down and make a decision about what is a deal breaker for you. So where is that line? If he lies again? If he does more drugs? If he refuses therapy? If he relapses after therapy? You're going to have to decide about a line and express it to your partner so that both of you know where the line stands. While we all love our partners and want to help them, there is a point where it's no longer healthy and YOU have to think about self-preservation and safety for you. So make sure you are considering what is really best for YOU in this as well.
-------------------- Sarah Liz Posts: 7316 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2000
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You've mentioned in the past that your boyfriend's been diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression, right?
That can make drug issues a lot trickier - both because psychoactive drugs can have really nasty effects on people with any kind of psychiatric condition (we're very prone to the worst kind of "bad trips"), and because people with psychiatric conditions sometimes turn to illegal drugs in an attempt to "self-medicate".
Is he getting any help at all? Last time, I think you mentioned that he wasn't on any meds and was looking for a new therapist.
Even without adding drugs to the mix, this isn't something he should be trying to manage on his own.
-------------------- "Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002
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