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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Piercing problem (no, i do have the right place for this)

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Author Topic: Piercing problem (no, i do have the right place for this)
ghostie
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I feel really rather shallow for posting this...

To start off you must know that I am somewhat of a piercing fanatic [Razz] I love piercings, but haven't been able to get many myself for lack of money, permission and being stuck inside for so long.
They give me a sense of pride, and a release of a lot of emotions for some reason, they make me feel pretty..

My current boyfriend has exactly the opposite feeling towards them. He hates the way they look, except ear piercings because they're kinda "normal" and you can't see them as much. His biggest grudge is against facial piercings, and i have wanted so many i have had to put off. I have a septum ring (middle bit of my nose) and i had it when i met him..but he said it took him a while to "get used to it" as in, he didn't like it but now it isnt as shocking.

I now have my heart set on a new nostril piercing (instead of two ear piercings I cannot afford)
I have put it off for a good while but now I feel I am really becoming a little too attached to the idea and really want it done..
Just now he told me to just get it done. Because I think I obsess...
But I know he is just doing it to keep me happy, considering his lack of enthusiasm for this.
there is no telling if he will find me disgusting if i get it or if it will be almost invisible to him..

I said if he finds it awful I would take it out for him (as difficult as that would be, I hate taking them out) but he seems to think that every time I do something for him like not get pierced or think about taking one out for his benefit, its like he is forcing me to do so, whereas I feel that these sacrifices are okay as long as there is a good balance between them. as in, it's okay for me to give up so much for him but I have to have something at some time.

It's a conflict over two of the things I care a lot about...
And recently we have had a lot of upsets anyway so I have been depressed, and tbh I am not sure for how much longer this relationship will go on for...
Atm, I feel down about my appearance, and one thing I know would help is a piercing, but he feels it is all HIS fault I am depressed, which is untrue.

He says he feels so shallow and s*** about the way he feels on this subject, that if i do get it his physical attraction to me will decrease, and if I don't he will feel bad for stopping me.

To end.. he said "you like piercings you want them, i cant stand them... there isnt really a common ground compromise for it"

I know people are almost certain to think.. "It's just a PIERCING"
But..to both of us it means quite a lot in the opposite ways so please bear that in mind.
So..suggestions maybe? [Frown] Should I go for it or put it off again for him?? I am stuck really..and would like a fresh opinion please, thankyou.

Small edit; he just said he just knows he is going to make me waste the £15..very reassuring.. [Frown]

[ 01-08-2007, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: NoisyPinkBubbles ]

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In Love With My Baby
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I'm into piercings too and alot of people tell me they look bad...I dont really care...I get the ones I want...Well the ones my mom will sign consent forms for...I guess I kinda have the feeling that people can think what they want about me...It all depends on what YOU want for yourself...My sister is actually a tattoo artist and her boss tattoos and pierces so I get a pretty good discount for them [Big Grin] ...This may not be any help but I hope it is!
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September
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Last year, when I was planning my third tattoo, I discovered that the design I wanted (and that I had actually been dreaming about for years) was very similar to a tattoo one of my then-boyfriend's exes had. He swore that he'd be okay with it, since it wouldn't be in the same place and it wouldn't be the exact same design. But since the first words out of his mouth when he saw my drawing had been "X has a tattoo like that", I knew that it'd be on his mind.

I spent some time thinking about it and in the end I decided that my boyfriend was more important to me than the tattoo. He'd never be completely comfortable with it, and that would make me uncomfortable with it, and you should never get a tat you don't feel 110% good about. Besides, I figured that I could still always get that tattoo should my boyfriend and I ever break up.

So that is how I handled that situation. Maybe it helps you a little in reaching your decision. And no worries about sounding shallow - I totally understand how important body mods can be. Hope you find a way to resolve this issue!

--------------------
Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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ghostie
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Thanks you guys, you're right but it is a tough decision, as now it just seems like he is sulking [Frown] either one I choose he will be upset at something, tells me "maybe you'd be better off with someone who liked you with piercings"
My sister tells me to just get it and he should grow up..but shes assertive [Razz]
at least this piercing would be reversable easily, unlike a tattoo (which i have never had any experience with but i think they hold more meaning being more permenant and of a special design etc)
I just dont know whether its worth the hassle -.- its very degrading, makes me feel i cant do even more right etc.

i want this for myself, but when he knows he is certain to lose his attraction to me i feel disgusted in myself either way.

[ 01-09-2007, 05:18 PM: Message edited by: NoisyPinkBubbles ]

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-Jill
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I could be reaching here, but what are the other problems in this relationship? It sounds like this is causing a lot of stress and I'm not sure that would be the case if your relationship were strong to begin with. You also mention that you're not sure how much longer it will last and that you've been fighting a lot lately. Is it possible that this isn't entirely about a piercing but also about a tipping point for your relationship?

To answer what you've actually written, I'm of the mind that it is your body, relationship or not, and you get to do what you like with it. And I will always be in favor of things that improve someone's self image. I think any time you alter your body, it should be reflective of what you want, not someone else's idea of beauty.

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ghostie
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He has recently found in himself that he has very high expectations...ones which I cannot reach being the person I am.
One of my "problems" which he has a problem with is that I am too nice to people who do not deserve it..if guys talk to me in a way he sees unsuitable, I either ignore it or laugh it off, turn it into a joke and kind of forget it, even though theyre usually trying to flatter me. I've tried to be more assertive to these people but I just can't, it isn't in my personality.
Another one was that I've been agoraphobic before I met him, and he helped me through a lot. We went out together to go places once or twice now I'm getting over it, but I went out without him about a week ago, for a day out with some friends, and he got really miffed saying it should have been him to take me on my first real 'day out' when I actually invited him, said i would leave my friends and do something with him after a while etc, as he gets awkward around my friends, but it wasnt good enough, so i stayed out for 2 hours longer than planned because i was having a good time out with my best friends for the first time EVER [Embarrassed]
There are small things which seem to get at him, say, if I change one small thing like a font colour or a picture, or dress in a way he sees inappropriate (even around my best friend who I don't care if he sees me at my worst, and no one else, or even if my skirt hitches up too high when I'm sat down just around him in my own living room) he will get at me for it..making me feel like an idiot or something, like ive done something reeeally wrong like it could jeapordise our relationship when it can't, but it ends up being a problem...

Thing is it's always me which does something "wrong"
I never have anything to start an upset about to him.

it has now pretty much been decided that i cannot get the piercing. there isn;t anything to "replace" it either.
he has offered to take me shopping and buy me something but it isnt really any consolation to me and I'd rather just try to forget it..So i turned him down. I feel bad spending more money when my family is in heaps of debt at the moment, collectors coming round our house..the piecing would only be £15 which is my own money but shopping is lots more of other peoples money, which i feel bad about taking for a start.

But ookuotoe you are so flipping spot on its absurd [Smile]

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-Jill
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First, yay for making progress with your agoraphobia!

Second, the more I learn about your relationship the less healthy it sounds. How long have the two of you been together?

What I'm reading sounds very controlling to me and it sounds as if things are getting worse. While I'm usually in favor of trying to communicate and work things out, I'm concerned that you may find yourself in an abusive relationship if this continues. Have you looked at The Abusive Partner Checklist?

You do not sound happy. You said "it has now pretty much been decided that i cannot get the piercing." To me that sounds as if he decided you wouldn't get the piercing and one partner controlling the other is not a part of a healthy relationship. Trying to buy you off actually makes it more manipulative. No one needs that nonsense.

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ghostie
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We have been together about 10 months now, his longest relationship by far.
I went ahead and got the piercing [Smile] it was worth it. I feel pretty in myself again(!), despite his off-looks at it I am very proud of myself [Smile]
If he really has that much of a problem with appearance, now that he has gotten to know me, then I don't need him.
Surely he would rather be with me for the person I am than what I look like..even though he keeps telling me I have changed (don't we all?)
He came over to tell me I could as long as it was within his specifications...
Basically, it was down to him in the end. But I did get my own way [Smile]

I have looked at that checklist before and never applied it to myself until now :|
he fills a few points..
[x] My partner is very jealous, gets jealous easily
[x (on myspace, what a terrible site [Frown] )] My partner follows me around, checks up on me a lot
[x partially] My partner tries to control how I dress or who I spend time with (friends, family, coworkers)
[x] I hide things that I think would upset or anger my partner (phone numbers, letters, photos)

The thing is, I DO think it's my fault he gets jealous, and checks up on me, and partly my fault I feel I have to hide some things.
And I am unsure if that's me being led to believe that's the case or if it's true..
One of those things which a girl in my position is hard to work out, I do do things wrong like a lot of people etc..

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Menthol
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The more and more you compromise yourself for this guy... this guy who knew from the beginning that you were into body mod and still wanted to see you... the more and more he'll try to take.

first it will be your jewelry, then it'll be your skirts, then it will be your tank tops... and the next thing you know, you'll find yourself in a burka wondering what the hell happened, and he'll then have a problem with other people being able to see your pretty eyes.

Run. Away.

--------------------
"I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being. I am the warrant and the sanction."
~Ayn Rand

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-Jill
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quote:
Originally posted by NoisyPinkBubbles:
The thing is, I DO think it's my fault he gets jealous, and checks up on me, and partly my fault I feel I have to hide some things.
And I am unsure if that's me being led to believe that's the case or if it's true..
One of those things which a girl in my position is hard to work out, I do do things wrong like a lot of people etc..

Can you elaborate? It's hard for me to consider blaming anyone for their partner's jealousy and I'm not sure what you meant by a "a girl in my position".

(Glad you got the piercing and enjoy it. [Smile] )

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ghostie
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It's actually rather difficult to remember what I was thinking of when I was typing that..
I guess I am naturally flirty [Frown] I dislike myself for it. I joke-flirt with guys who try flirt with me, who know I am in a relationship, and who know I am kidding.. But of course my partner doesn't get it and shouldn't need to [Frown] he of course goes and gets into my accounts to find this out too.
Even though I've changed all my passwords I still delete things like messages and phone numbers and texts just in case...
I know what he hates and such, who he doesn't want me to talk to and what he wants me to say to people who he thinks are being "improper" in some way, what he doesn't like me wearing.. But I feel these things unreasonable so I just don't do them, I do what I feel is best for me, I don't want to stop talking to any more people, or do what I don't feel right in doing or saying just because he wants me to.

What I meant by "A girl in my position" is the case where..it's hard to see an outsiders perspective on our relationship, and hard to see what's really gone wrong because I'm wound up in it all and it feels normal.

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Ecofem
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There is nothing wrong with being naturally flirty, NoisyPinkBubbles. [Smile] A flirt can be an exchange that makes both people feel good – without automatically meaning you're interested in any more that a little, mutual confidence boost. It's a way of communicating, and some people are just more flirty than others.

What is not ok is that your partner is not accepting of this: either he can take it or leave it, but he doesn't have the right to go through your stuff. The fact is that your boyfriend is displaying abusive behavior, doing controlling stuff like checking up on you, getting into your accounts, and telling you who not ot talk to. As for telling you what not to wear, what's he saying? (At some point you had a myspace link in your signature? It looked like you have a really cool style!)

His demands are being unreasonable: I had a boyfriend who would also reprimand me for being "improper," that I should always "behave myself," i.e. not laugh at a silly, innuendo-tinged joke amongst my "overly friendly friends." Yeah, that relationship didn't last too long. And I'm glad it didn't, because it's ok to have different tastes, but it's not right to want a partner to conform to yours.

As you said in your last paragraph, it's hard to see an outsider's perspective on your relationship while you're in it, to recognize what could be wrong. I don't mean to alarm you, but he is displaying some rather alarming, inappropriate behavior. I'd recommend ending the relationship asap, but I know it's not that easy. We're here if you want to talk about it more.

[ 01-18-2007, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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Ecofem
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Some more things that stuck out to me:

its very degrading, makes me feel i cant do even more right etc.
Aww, no one should make you feel degraded – no one. Someone who does so, especially knowingly, is a seriously “bad” person.

i want this for myself, but when he knows he is certain to lose his attraction to me i feel disgusted in myself either way.
feel pretty in myself again(!), despite his off-looks at it I am very proud of myself
This makes me sad to hear, because you seem like an attractive person both inside and out. Regardless of that, you’re not defined by his attraction to you! I’d suggest working on finding yourself attractive, seeing yourself for who you are. If you find things like piercings attractive, then that’s a good thing for you!
http://www.scarleteen.com/body/7ways.html

He has recently found in himself that he has very high expectations...ones which I cannot reach being the person I am.
High “expections,” whatever… I’m sure you’re great the way you are.

There are small things which seem to get at him, say, if I change one small thing like a font colour or a picture, or dress in a way he sees inappropriate
Wow, font color!?! That’s just wrong.

even if my skirt hitches up too high when I'm sat down just around him in my own living room
you go and hitch up that skirt on purpose, however high you like!

If he really has that much of a problem with appearance, now that he has gotten to know me, then I don't need him.
Surely he would rather be with me for the person I am than what I look like..even though he keeps telling me I have changed (don't we all?)


Here’s my take on things: He may have helped you deal with your agoraphobia– that is good/nice, but you don’t owe him anything for it and it doesn’t give him the right to tell you what to do. It seems like he met you at a time when you were struggling with some stuff, and he found himself attracted to the girl who he could “mold” to fit his definition. But now you’re growing strong, realizing all you have to offer. He’s freaking out because you’re not the “weak” person he wants you to be. And definitely NOT your fault he’s being so ridiculous (and abusive.)

“You go girl!” (A cheesy line but fitting.) It sounds like you have so much going for you, he’s just being the deadweight. In good relationships we can be 100% ourselves (which our partners like and appreciate!) The relationships make us happier and feel more supported, not as if though we’re walking on pins and needles.

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Ecofem
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Hey NoisyPinkBubbles, you around? How've you been doing? [Smile]
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ghostie
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Hey Ecofem, I am around yeah, and tried to PM you about something, I can no longer write about our relationship in here...
I decided to abide by his wishes etc..

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Ecofem
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Hey! [Smile] OK, I hear you-- I'll work on this.
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faifai
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Noisy, how have things been going? I know you said you can no longer write about your relationship on here...is there any particular reason why? If you don't feel comfortable talking about it here, there are other ways to get in touch, so just let us know if you'd like to do that.

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disconnect and let me drift/until my upside down is right side *in*

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ghostie
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Hey all [Smile] basically..he read what I had written and got pretty mad. Saying posting our problems in a public place showing only one side of the argument is stupid, asking advice from people who don't know anything. I agree with the fact that you couldn't hear his side and all but I asked him to post and he said it was pointless. I don't agree that you don't know anythng though or I wouldnt still be here [Razz]
We've had problems since too, but I got my piercing and am very happy with that [Smile]
He was really mad and upset that I said he was abusive and he brings that up in every argument (we have had a few this weekend) but I am not sure whether to post about that too. Just in case...
Thanks for your care ^.^

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not_a_hobgoblin
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Okay, I can understand him being mad that you posted about your relationship problems... a bit. But you not wanting to post just to avoid his anger is again a scary sign. [Confused]

--------------------
"Cut her down."
"She is a witch!"
"But she's our witch. Cut her down."

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Kayla D
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Being in a relationship with someone who has decided that you're "wrong" or "bad" will probably make you unhappy and dissatisfied with yourself. I don't think you need to be, I think you're probably a perfectly valid and wonderful person, you don't need some boy telling you who to be.
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-Lauren-
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(Hey, Kayla. Due the site's privacy policy, and our desire to keep all of our users safe and healthy, we must ask that nobody posts any personally-identifiable information. If the handle you're using is your real first and last name, you can change it by editing your profile; it's not safe to have that up. Thanks. [Smile] )
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