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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » He dropped an atom bomb...what do I do?

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Author Topic: He dropped an atom bomb...what do I do?
Member # 30756

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This is very long-winded, and I apologize for that.

The person I'm going to be talking about mostly is my ex-boyfriend. Two years ago, we dated for several months, then broke up (I broke up with him because I thought he was very immature at the time). He joined the Air Force a few months after that; we started talking again, and started to date again in June. We broke up towards the end of September, but this time, he dumped me. When we were together, I had a lot of personal issues I was dealing with, and after seeing a shrink (the woman was a quack), she basically told me that all of my problems were because of him. I told him this, which made him terribly upset, and broke up with me.

Fast foward to today: I currently have a boyfriend, and I care deeply for him. He's been there for me through-out many rouhg-times (before we dated). He's my best friend and one of the sweetest human beings I've ever met. However, recently, I've found out that he's lied to me about a few things that hurt me pretty bad and caused me to distrust him (the biggest thing was how he lied to me about how many people he had slept with, and about having a one-night-stand). Because of his lying, I've felt distant to him and have started questioning if I really am in love with him or not. I know I love him and that I care about him greatly, but I'm not sure if I am in love with him anymore. The fact that I care about him so much is making this much harder for me. He is the one person on Earth that I never want to hurt.

Now my ex...I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him...because I do. He's all I've been able to think about lately. I even listen to "our song" over and over again somedays when I'm driving. I care about him greatly, too. He is the only person I have ever been with that I know in my heart truly loved me. He still is in love with me, and has told me it almost everyday since we broke up. Of course, since I have a boyfriend, I tell him that it's very wrong that he's saying these things to me.

Well, tonight, my ex came home to visit for a week. He is being deployed to Iraq in January, so he wanted to spend time with friends and family before he left. He needed a ride home from the airport, and since none of his other friends could pick him up, I did. After I picked him up, he wanted to stop at a store to pick up a few items, so we went there. We left the store, and went out to my car. Once we got into my car, he told me that he had something to tell me. He pulled about a little box, and I'm sure you can guess what was in it. He asked me to marry him.

I didn't know what to do. I just started crying. I've never felt so many emotions in my life at the one time...anger, saddness, guilt, happiness, loved. He explained to me how he was going to propose to me on my 21st birthday (October 3rd), but we had broken up before then. We both just cried for about an hour in my car. I didn't know what to say except for "I don't know", and I handed the ring back to him.

It had gotten pretty late at this point, so we headed towards his house. We got to his place, got all his bags in, and started to say our goodbyes. He grabbed the ring out of his pocket again, and put it into my purse, and told me to think things through carefully and that no matter what happens between us, he will always be around. Then, he did something that upset me horribly--He kissed me. I tried to back away, but he just pulled me closer. His reasoning for doing that (while knowing quite well that I have a boyfriend) was that he's afraid that it was going to be the last time we'll ever see each other, and that he wanted to do that one last time.

Here I am, at home, an hour after all of this has ensued. My mind is totally screwed right now, and my heart has no idea what's going on. Had I know my ex was going to drop this bomb on me, I never would have picked him up from the airport. I fully plan on telling my boyfriend what happened, which I am afraid to, but he deserves to know.

I don't know what to do...I miss my ex terribly, and I really thought that at one point I was going to marry him. But then I think about my current boyfriend, and the thought of hurting him makes me sick to my stomach. I know what happened tonight will hurt him, unfortunately...but it is all my fault.

Sorry this is so long and probably not understandable. Part of me wants to stay with my boyfriend, another part wants to be with my ex, and another part is telling me just to leave them both behind. I've really gotten myself into a situation here. What do I do? =(

Posts: 18 | From: Detroit | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 8067

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Then, he did something that upset me horribly--He kissed me. I tried to back away, but he just pulled me closer.

Seriously, a guy who is not going to respect your physical boundaries does not deserve a place in your life.

And this guy says he "loves" you, but he seems to be going all-out to hurt you, manipulate you emotionally, and sabotage your current relationship.

Whatever you decide about your relationship with your current boyfriend, your ex sounds incredibly immature and generally bad news.

And for reference, was this the same guy who was breaking promises, telling you were selfish and getting upset about you going to clubs without him?

"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 30756

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Yes, he is the same guy.
Posts: 18 | From: Detroit | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Est. In 1984
Member # 31502

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Do you think that he only proposed to you becasue he doesnt want to lose you....not necessarily because he truly wants to marry you? If he REALLY did want to marry you in the past, he would have NEVER broken up w/ you for what seem to me a dumb reason. In th end the decision in all yours. Dont base it on not try'n to hurt anyone elses feelings. Marriage is FOREVER
*(or at least use to be)* Do you really see ur self w/ him and only him for the rest iof ur life. You said he's leaving to Iraq...are you ok w/ waiting for him?

"I've touched Ur soul & left my mark in ur heart....There's no forgetting me, dont bother trying."...(ME)

Posts: 86 | From: CA | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 27855

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I'm seeing red flags here. I have to agree with the previous poster- he just seems to want control of you. He's been bad news in the past, and imagine putting up with that the REST of your life.

I know you feel distant because your current boyfriend lied to you, and I'm not saying it was right by any means, but I believe he had good intentions. He's been your best friend and always been there for you, so he probably didn't want to make you feel insecure.

I'm not gonna tell you who to go with, that is not my place, but as a reader I get the initial impression of: Ex=possessive, manipulative. Current= stable, caring.

"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

Posts: 107 | From: United States | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 30756

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Here is a quick update on my situation:

My ex apologized to me for doing what he did, and told me that he felt really crappy for it. He also told me that he doesn't expect me to say "yes" and be with him again anyway.

I told my current boyfriend everything that happened, and he really didn't seem to care/mind. He only repsonse was "Did he kiss you with tongue? No? Okay then..."

I haven't been able to have a sit-down talk with either of them yet.

Just, blah...

Posts: 18 | From: Detroit | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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