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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » How Confident are You....

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Author Topic: How Confident are You....
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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...when entering a new relationship?

Do you usually find you feel able to be pretty forward about what you want and need? Or do you feel afraid to voice those things for fear of scaring the other person away?

What have your experiences been with confidently voicing what you want and need, right there on the table? if you've done it sometimes, and not others, how have the results been different?

In what scanerios do you just feel unable to voice this stuff? What do you think you need to feel more confident about it?

(And yes: I'm worried about y'all lately.)

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 30060

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I go into a new relationship confidently, I know who i want, what i want, and where i draw all my lines. I think that its important to be confident about you emotions and to be up-front about your intentions. In fact that point of view has landed me in one of my happiest relationships ever. I know exactly where we stand, how he feels and how i feel, and its nothing like the mess of an ' i don't know, but sure' kind of relationship.
Posts: 47 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Emily 249
Member # 28956

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My current relationship is my boyfriend's only monogamous one to date. I let him know right up front that I would not be comfortable with him hooking up with friends while we were seeing each other. The only time he tried to talk me out of my position the conversation went downhill fast. I got incredibly upset, and my boyfriend -- ever paranoid about screwing things up -- hasn't brought it up since. I knew that he wasn't used to monogamy, but I wasn't going to pretend that I was okay with a poly relationship just to keep him around.

Voicing my wants and needs hasn't been a problem for me. I'm infuriatingly stubborn and I don't like getting railroaded over. I have more of an issue with voicing my emotions. If I'm upset or lonely or feeling ignored for whatever reason, the chances that I'm going to tell my partner right away are slim. I mean, it took me six months to say "I love you" to my boyfriend of a year, and I only put myself out there because he said it first. I needed to know that I could safely say how I had been feeling for months without him freaking out.

Posts: 39 | From: United States | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 22441

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I am forward with what I need. That's just the way I am, andit's the same when I'm in a relationship. My boyfriend knows that I let him know when something is up, and I expect him to do the same.

My most recent experiance with voicing what I needed was uncomfortable for me, because of what I was asking. I was asking that he compliment me more. Since we try to be honest, he already knew about my low self-esteem issues, and he understood that I wasn't just being vain. Nonetheless, it was a hard topic for me to bring up.

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Member # 30201

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"Or do you feel afraid to voice those things for fear of scaring the other person away?"

Yep. I feel that way a lot. But then, I do sometimes get told I'm socially ackward, and individuals in my family are always calling each other selfish. So it's kind of like... at what level /should/ you be able to get what you want? I have no idea.

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Member # 11352

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I've been with my guy for over five years. I'm very forward for what I want and what I need. Communication has been a top priority in my relationships. My experiences in voicing has been mostly positive, and respected in the ways it should be. In past relationship, it was the other way around. My current relationship is the longest and the most happiest i've been in my entire life!


Posts: 369 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I'm not as forward as what I should be, and often don't say why I'm upset when I am -- I know this is bad but my guy is helping me through it. He'll push to get me to talk to him, but never too hard, and he'll stop and give me space if I keep refusing.

Though, before he and I got together I told him I was done settling for guys who were not right for me, that I was not going to sit and try to make things work when I knew they wouldn't, that I wasn't going to put myself into that situation again. It helped a good deal. [Big Grin]

We try to be open with eachother as much as we both possibly can, but it's a pretty foreign subject to us both, but we work through it.

And I have no worries of scaring him away over something I'd say.

Posts: 79 | From: USA | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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