Donate Now
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Comlicated relationship, Jealous girlfriend

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Comlicated relationship, Jealous girlfriend
Trasvi
Neophyte
Member # 31498

Icon 9 posted      Profile for Trasvi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My girlfriend gets insanely jealous. I can totally understand where she is coming from, but i love her and only her and her jealousy makes some parts of our relationship quite awkward.

As to where she gets this jealousy from?
Well, we've had a really really complicated relationship together over the last few years (havent been going out all the time though, only the last 2 months). I started out as really great freinds with her. We were together for about 2 weeks, then unfortunate circumstances (parents, timing, jerks at school) forced us to break it off. For a time we were pretty uncomfortable around each other, as we werent sure exactly what our feelings were. This also caused me to lose one of my best friends, and the whole group of her friends i'd become part of.
Through that time, i was pretty emotional/upset/occasionally suicidal, and many people thought i should hook up with other chicks. So i tried that, but i was never really attracted to any of them anywhere near as much as i wanted her. Unfortunately, she saw me with a lot of other chicks over a short space of time, she felt like she didnt mean anything at all to me (which is totally not true).
So, she started going out with my best friend.

They were together for a while, and basically, he was a dick to her, didnt respect her, made her feel that all their problems were her fault, plus he was very possessive and tried to force her to stop talking to me. I was her counsellor through that time and eventually i convinced her to break it off, although unfortunately i have lost that friendship with him as well...

However, while she was going out with him i still had very strong feelings for her, was upset that she was with my best friend and not me when i knew i was better for her, etc etc. I still tried so find a 'replacement', but there were two girls who were 'viable' but both were very close family friends.
So, in turn for giving my (now girlfiend) advice on her dysfunctional relationship, she helped me out with mine; but now i know that that was kinda painful for her coz she realised that she still like me.

So. Now, in a turn of events that happened not quite the way i planned/expected, we're going out again and i'm happier than i've been in years. Our complications have caused us to have three years of... emotional connection... but nothing in the 'physical department', something we've made up for very quickly. Almost too quickly i think even considering out background but i would have been screaming otherwise and its very difficult to keep our hands off each other. [Wink] . She's the only person in the world for me, i seriously am in love with her and if its still going strong in a years time, i want to marry her.


However, she is very jealous of me talking to ANY other girl, which is very difficult coz many of my closest friends are girls. Especially these two other girls that i had talked to her about. I still see/talk to these girls at least once a week and a lot of what happens in my life atm involves one or the other.

My girlfriend does not understand that what i felt for them was never anything like as strong as i felt for her, or that there are some things that i can ask her friends that i can't ask her. Or, anything that involves any girl thats not her, she gets suspicious, insanely jealous and makes accusations. They're not all heartfelt, a lot are teasing, but enough actual suspicion is there to make it uncomfortable sometimes.

How do i show her how much she means to me? How do i convince her that her jealousy is unfounded and that she's the only one i will ever need?


If you've stuck though the (simplified) version of my soap-opera relationship, well done! and thanks for any help! Trasvi

Posts: 14 | From: Australia | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DarkChild717
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 139

Icon 1 posted      Profile for DarkChild717     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey! Welcome to scarleteen.

Ultimately, the jealousy is going to be her demon to conquer. All you can do is continue to be faithful, tell her how you feel, and communicate. I wouldn't recommend cutting your friends out, though. If this relationship does go south (again), your friends are going to be there for you. Burning that bridge wouldn't be good.

--------------------
Caylin, Scarleteen Volunteer
Love Scarleteen? Donations keep us around for you. So give a little! (Or a lot. Whatever works for you.)

Posts: 2789 | From: The Evergreen State | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Plus, no one is helped by being enabled.

So, ditching your friends because she has this problem not only doesn't help you, it doesn't help her.

Healthy people have lots of different relationships in their lives, including friendships, including a myriad of relationships with people of all sexes.

(What would she do if you were bisexual? Would that mean you couldn't have any friends at all? Think about it.)

It's not your job to "prove" love or loyalty to someone else other than being basically lving and loyal, in a healthy, sane way. You can't convince here here: this is her issue she needs to seek out help with, and not from her partner, sparing as support to the other, more objective, help she's getting.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's also worth making sure you're dealing with your own issues.

In another post, you said:

And, both me and my girlfriend are possessive people. i realise that im getting jealous and try to be open minded but theres a few people who i just dont trust around her (problems with them, not her).

Maybe one strategy would be for both of you to acknowledge that you have problems with jealousy, and both agree to work on this?

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
One more snippet of information that may be helpful: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusional_jealousy .

I just saw your other post in the abusive relationship checklist, too. Suffice it to say, it sounds very much like you and yours really could stand to be VERY sure that you're being realistic in asessing your relationship, especially since she was already in one abusive relationship before, and from the sounds of things, hasn't had any real counseling to deal with that.

If you're not both really opening your eyes, no one is going to be helped.

[ 11-17-2006, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Trasvi
Neophyte
Member # 31498

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Trasvi     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
We both know that we do get jealous.
there are one or two people who i dont like her being around, namely because this guy... sleeps around. He's 'moved through' most of my girlfriend's group of friends and has been the cause of a few broken friendships there. I feel kind of threatened by him. Even though i know now that he has fallen in love with someone else (who ironically he can't have)

And i guess its the same with her; she feels threatened by these other two friends of mine, as i did once have feelings for them, however never what i feel/felt for my girlfriend now.

And i dont think its anything that clinical... she certainly has reason to be angry/jealous, i just need to convince her that she is the only one.

Posts: 14 | From: Australia | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

Icon 1 posted      Profile for logic_grrl     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
there are one or two people who i dont like her being around, namely because this guy... sleeps around.

But unless you imagine this guy is going to sexually assault her, your girlfriend has a choice about whether she does anything with this guy or not.

It doesn't matter how much he "sleeps around" if she's not interested.

So assuming that he's a "threat" is really pretty distrustful and disrespectful of your girlfriend. Make sense?

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3