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Author Topic: Porn.
Monotonous
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Okay. So.

About a year and a half ago I ranted to my boyfriend about porn, and how disgusting we thought it was. A few years back I had seen a documentary on how most of women in the porn industry were sexually abused as children and used porn as an outlet to get attention and affection (of sorts). I expanded on this, talking about how much of the time, women are tight on money and practically forced into porn just to gain some money.

Now, my boyfriend is all for women's rights and stuff. I thought he was different.

Today I was on his computer and looked in his searches. All of a sudden he blurts out, "I looked at pornography a while ago." And I was just shocked. He always used to tell me that I was all he needed and no one else turned him on.

To put it lightly, I flipped out. I retold the story I told a year and a half before and how that makes me feel like crap that he'd do that, and only a month ago. He told me he was so ashamed and he couldn't tell me.

I got into a screaming fest. At one point, I spat on him and called him a pig. I really regret this now. I told him it was over between us. He started getting suicidal and talking about suicide because I'm all he has and he defiled my trust. This TERRIFIED ME. He was having a breakdown and I didn't know what to do. I was furious so I couldn't make him feel better and I just let him cry.

He has asserted later that he was just thinking of me while looking at the pictures. I don't believe him. But now my self-esteem has sunken to an all-time low. Should I have bigger boobs? Did he look at porn because I'm just not arousing enough? He's told me many times that he thinks of me when he masturbates but after the whole porn thing I'm scared that he thinks about unrealistically proportioned women. I felt beautiful before. He made me feel like the only woman in the world.

What should I do about this? We are back together, technically, and he's disgusted and sincerely sorry about what he did. I'm not ready to trust him but I love him very much.

Much distress.

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Innocence
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I hope you apologized for spitting on him and calling him a pig. thats rather harsh.

I guess the thing that worries me the most about that whole thing, is that you said he got all suicidal, that is a really unhealthy situation.

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-Lauren-
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(I gotta be honest hun, this looks a lot like it goes deeper than him just looking at porn. Your previous posts really give off the vibe of you two being quite co-dependant. His suicide threats? Just don't seem like something that really happens in a healthy relationship. Have you guys considered couple's counseling, or even seperate visits?)

It was very reasonable of you to tell your boyfriend what you think of pornography, and why you wouldn't like him to view it. But I also think he's entitled to his own personal life, and as long as he does so away from you and the behavior is not inherently harmful, he should be allowed to do so.

Many women feel degraded and inferior compared to women in pornography films -- picture perfect beauty is in the media everywhere. This is understandable, but in my experience, people aren't really watching pornography for the beauty of the people involved. It's simply the fact that they're engaging in sex acts, it seems to me.

It's okay to feel a little upset about this, but going into a screaming fit isn't the best way to go about this. It sounds like you two need to seriously work on your communication skills, sense of trust, and your own seperate mental states.

You two can't be each other's "everything", and are bound to want to experiment with different ideas and activities (not exactly sexual) outside the context of your relationship. A better sense of trust and more communication on both your parts should make this a heck of a lot easier.

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SumThinMeanAndSweet
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Well in my opinion i think guys should be able to view porn here and there if they want to.But if it becomes everyday more than once a day then theres a problem.When i was with my current guy i let him watch porn and i sometimes watched it with him.Sometimes when we had nothing to do i'd suggest watching some of his dvd's just to see what he likes.But we watched it mainly to see how they were having sex and then we would try the positions they did.Pretty fun. Now being that all his porn were about women with big big butts i never got self conscience even though my butt is not as big and im over weight and his porn was with smaller girls with big butts.Never got intimidated because he was with me those chicks weren't real only on the screen.
So in my opinion i think you over reacted just a tid bit (LOL)with the whole spitting and name calling.Plus i agree with Miss Lauren that this situation is way more deeper than porn and you bf getting sucidal over you finding out is just something that is extremely unhealthy and you 2 really have to adress these issues a lil more and figure out why is it affecting you guys in this way.(FYI honey about 80% of men watch porn.Thats just guys)*not a real statistic but i know a whole lot of guys watch porn maybe more than 80%.

[ 11-02-2006, 08:20 AM: Message edited by: SumThinMeanAndSweet ]

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PenguinBoy
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On the porn issue i say:I personally don't watch porn anymore, (ironically i quit just when i got broadband, which i always used to hope would make my porn experiences AMAZING), because i really do not know how they are regulated, or how those models actually feel inside. I think you really have to know someone, to know that they truly consent.

On your problems: I definitely agree, there's allot more at hand than porn.

I think it's bad that your boyfriend should feel so disgusted with himself. Even though you think it's wrong, i think you two should find ways of meeting his sexual drive. Which obviously came of the hinge when he went back on what appears are his own beliefs. (Bad advice deleted here)


It seems what you have a problem with is not just the moral situation of porn. But the fact that it ISN'T you, that you want all his dedicated sexual desire. But as you may know, that isn't an easily controllable thing. From what I see, he really wants to be with you, and that is beyond something sexual. I sometimes think it's helpful to separate sexual and emotional desires.

He wants to be with you, and that's what makes your union important. Not his sexual desire, his sexual feelings towards you are helpful, but they are not what makes it valid. So when these deviate, which they inevitably must for 99.9% of the population no matter how much they love their partners.

It also seems to me that your boyfriend, is awfully insecure. And the way in which you have perhaps used his sexual desire as something which makes you valued. It appears to me that he uses your relationship as something to make himself feel valid. It is something amazing for two people to want to be together, but when they allow themselves to need each other it becomes emotionally dangerous, and potentially physically dangerous!

I agree with Miss Lauren, that it'd be so helpful for you to recognise that as a problem, and try some counselling. It would make you both so much happier, and your relationship could really be something allot happier!

[ 11-04-2006, 06:01 PM: Message edited by: PenguinBoy ]

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Faith54
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Wow, you're not ready to trust him again b/c he looked at porn? It's perfectly fine if you have strong feelings about porn, but you should not spit on your bf and call him a pig if he does every once in a while. Not all porn is degrading to women, I've seen some pretty tasteful ones, actually, but I digress.

I doubt you flipped out because of just the porn. There's something underlying going on here, and I hope you can push the porn thing aside and focus on your relationship as a whole. If your bf was having suicidal feelings, he needs help. There's too much going on here to focus an a petty single instance of him watching porn.

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"My grandmother never gave gifts- she was too busy being raped by cossacks." ~ Woody Allen

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Alea
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I agree with the previous posters here that there seems to be something underlying - if not in your relationship, it sounds like you have self esteem issues. You talked about how you got into a screaming fight with (or really, at) your boyfriend over this - saying what I'm fairly sure are hurtful things. Right now I'd stop and take a look at the fight - not what caused it, but the fight itself. If you'd done something similar, and he said the things to you that you said to him, how would you feel? Even disregarding his suicidal impulses, you have to admit that you hurt him pretty badly.

It's easy to say "He hurt me, so I can hurt him." But that doesn't help anyone. Have you shared your feelings with him, not about viewing pornography in general, but your feelings of inadequacy? That his viewing pornography made you feel insecure about your body, and jealous? In a case like this it's very important to be honest about your feelings, because the point is not to get your own way or prove that you are right. The point is to heal your relationship.

In your post, you also asked why he viewed pornography. Have you tried asking him about this, in a setting where he won't feel that his answers are going to be judged? From what you told us about your fight with him, I think it'd be hard for him to be honest about WHY he did it. Being honest requires a sense of safety. I know that you are hurt and that you feel betrayed over what your boyfriend did, but it's necessary to work with him if you care about him and want your relationship to survive this. You can't only be concerned with how you feel.

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britishnegomi
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first, looks like u got sum self-esteem issues. Beleive it or not, most guys don't wanna be with sum barbie - yeah mite fantasise bout a shag with one, but not actually want to go out with someone like that. Your boyfriend obviously cares about you and is attracted to you, otherwise, simply, he wouldn't be with you and get so upset and worried when he upsets you. And, also, leading on from what you were saying about many porn stars being treated badly, this is obviously a rele bad thing, but its also saying that yes, generally they're not respected because of what they do. So all the guys watching porn, although yeah, enjoying it, are also thinking in the back of their minds - 'sluts' - of course they don't respect them. What I'm saying is that there is a massive differnce between the girls who guys are with and love and some private fantacy which appeals to their most basic instincts and nothing else. If you can, tut, and let him have his fun and dont take it personally, he wasn't really doing much wrong.
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Bebop Bodhisattva
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Porn is clearly just the match that lit the fuse here. Some quick advice: There's no such thing as winning a fight with your partner. That's not to say you have to hide your disagreements. Being able to express honest differences is actually a sign of a healthy relationship. But that's the thing: you need to be able to talk about issues you disagree on, including (especially!) issues that you both feel very strongly about, without getting into a shouting match.

As for porn itself, I think you should ask yourself if the reason it triggers such an emotional response is due to a documentary you saw a few years back, or something personal.

You really should not get all of your information from a single source, especially on such a politically divisive issue as pornography. This is even more of a factor in a medium as prone to bias as documentary. What it said really does not match up to the reality of the situation.

There absolutely is exploitation, and that's not to be discounted. I recently read about a rebel army in Myanmar that makes money by selling tapes of the rapes of the sex slaves they take when they raid a village.

That's really not the case for the majority of the performers in the US and western Europe. I'm sure there are people who go into it because of their emotional issues, but the generalization in the opening post sounds like the exact stereotype that exists for any sexually aggressive woman. The idea that they are just swapping their dignity and freedom for a glided cage, or that they are psychologically damaged goods, inappropriately trading sex for attention and affections, the byproduct of an abusive father and a loveless mother.

And of course, the trouble is, some are desperate and looking for any source of income, and some are damaged affection hunters. But it never seems to occur to anyone to a lot of people that they are sexually agressive because they like sex.

The idea that feminism and pornography are mutually exclusive is just plain wrong. Check out Annie Sprinkle and Camille Paglia.

You've both got some serious emotional issues (who doesn't?) but that means you need to be as patient and understanding with him as you would want other people to be with you. If you still think it's wrong, the way to handle it is to calmly and rationally address the issue, not punish him for his thoughtcrime. Like Gandhi said:

"Where there is injustice, I always believed in fighting. The question is, do you fight to change things or do you fight to punish?"

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Heather
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I am still out of town and only have a few minutes, but I just want to clarify three things here quickly, two of which are pretty vital, and one of which is...well, less so.

1) I don't know everyone's age here, but a legal minor who makes film or video porn for a partner and then gives it to them has legally distributed child pornography which is a VERY serious crime, especially in the states. So PLEASE don't advise other users here to do that: that advice endangers them and their partners SUBSTANTIALLY.

2) This is a HUGE issue, porn per feminism and per women's rights. MUCH huger than any address I'm seeing here (though I'd actually point readers to Penguin Boy's first paragraph: It's insanely apt, per the last sentence), so I'm worried about everything here being massively simplified. This is also a much larger issue per abuse. However, it strikes me with this situation, Monotonous, as a little...troublesome to feel betrayed that your partner isn't supporting women's rights in your mind, when the spitting and screaming are abuses to ANYONE of any gender, and good things start at home, you know? If any of us can't treat the people right IN our lives humanely, being more concerned with class abuses is disengenous at best. And what I'm hearing from you anyway sounds like this is less an issue about women as a class than about porn and your feelings about yourself. That's not invalid, but I'd work this out starting from there, first, and obviously, also encourage you to recognize the abuses YOU appear to be engaging in yourself, far more directly than your partner.

3) Camille Paglia is actually quite vocal about NOT being feminist, so to hang that label on her is to give her an identity she doesn't want or align with. (That would be the less vital issue. [Smile] )

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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PenguinBoy
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quote:
Originally posted by Heather:
1) I don't know everyone's age here, but a legal minor who makes film or video porn for a partner and then gives it to them has legally distributed child pornography which is a VERY serious crime, especially in the states. So PLEASE don't advise other users here to do that: that advice endangers them and their partners SUBSTANTIALLY.

Thank you, I'm glad you said that. I just re-read my post, and would like to withdraw what I said on that topic! It is just very dangerous. Especially with all the other emotions people have to deal with anyway. - i'm going to edit it.

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Monotonous
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None of you are understanding where I'm coming from.

Okay. The reason I got so angry was that my boyfriend had been telling me for the past year and a half that he hates porn and thinks it's disgusting. Not because I think it, though I do. He and I discuss women's rights all the time. He is just as vehement in his feminist beliefs as I am! When I learned about the porn it was shocking! I would never, EVER believe he'd do that, seeing as he told me he never would because he hates it. Not because I do. He does. We always mention about how women are given subordinate roles in movies and how people think of them as objects, and how much we object to it. We, not me. He brings it up all the time about how women are seen as objects when really they're just people. I thought he and I were on the same page with this. And then I find out about that and it's SO HYPOCRITICAL. To say you hate porn, it's disgusting, then go beat off to it? Excuse me, but I feel like if he's been telling me for the past year and a half of our relationship that he is all for women's rights and thinks it's incredibly unfair how they are viewed in today's society, then don't I have a reason to be angry? I think I do. It's like he's been masquerading as a feminist to me, although he still says he has the same views, and he doesn't know why he did it and he's disgusting with himself because it disgusts HIM. He was disgusted before he told me, it was the REASON he was waiting to tell me, he was so ashamed and knew I'd react badly, seeing how he talks about supposed equality between sexes all the time!

I didn't try to hurt him or make him feel bad. I did yell, yes, because I couldn't believe he'd do that. It's against what we BOTH believe in very strongly. At least I thought so. I reacted as anyone would react when finding out about something like this, I think, minus the spitting which I REALLY regret and apologized for, as I mentioned. We've been talking about it since it happened and he said it only happened once and never will happen again, seeing as he doesn't know why he did it and he finds porn and people who look at porn disgusting.

And yes, it does make me feel inadequate because he's been telling me I'm the only person he's attracted to. I didn't believe him at first, seeing as I think everyone's attracted to more than one person. But when you're told that something like that is the truth, by someone you love, for so long, over and over, you start to believe it. I started to believe I really was the only girl he'd ever look at, because he kept telling me that even though I didn't believe him for such a long time. And then I found out about the porn and now it seems like he's been lying the whole time. It's not that I WANT all his sexual desire to be towards me, he made me believe it was and still asserts that it's a fact that he only has sexual feelings towards me. He says he doesn't understand his reaction toward the porn.

Actually, had he told me that he liked porn, and not said he found it disgusting from the moment we started dating, this would be completely different. I would not be surprised, because he told me that he liked it, and I would be fine even though it's against what I believe, he's entitled to his opinion and beliefs. I respect that. It's the fact that he's been telling and is STILL telling me that porn objectifies women and is wrong. Yet he beat off to it. Doesn't make sense? Yeah. I know. Also, if he had never tried to make me believe I was the only girl he lusted after it would be different, too. But that's not how it went at all.

Does this better express why I reacted the way I did? I felt betrayed and felt like a fool for believing him, angry he'd tell me these things and not really mean them.

He says he meant them and still means them. So, I ask him, "Then if you're only attracted to me, why did you beat off to porn?"

"I don't know."


You get?

[ 11-05-2006, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: Monotonous ]

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Heather
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Monotonous, I don't believe all of us are as clueless about where you're coming from as you think.

I think where the disconnect is here is that some of us -- myself included -- are seeing this whole matter as larger than the porn issue, and larger than what he did here.

What I'm seeing is your partner being someone very confused right now about how he feels about this and having no way to parse that with you, or even talk that out, because you have engaged in abuses to him very directly. That's not a safe environment for anyone to work this out. And I'm seeing you, especially now, not willing to look at that at all, but having tunnel vision about the porn issue that's keeping you from seeing that there are DIRECT abuses and dysfunction in this relationship that have to be dealt with, not rationalized, and addressed before you can even get to secondary issues like this.

I get that you were totally blindsided with this: 100%. I get it. What I don't get is how you're clearly seeing problematic dynamics in porn and porn use (and all the more so if you two had an agreement about it he broke), but not with the relationship you're in as a whole, far more direct problems, and ones you are also quite complicit in.

Capisce?

[ 11-06-2006, 11:37 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Monotonous
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Okay, I see how I did overreact at first and I included that in my post to emphasize how upset I was. I certainly apologized, over and over, for yelling because that wasn't going to solve anything and made him feel worse, which I didn't need to do. He told me I had no reason to be sorry for it, but I still feel terrible. After that night, and now, we discuss it in a calm manner and respecting each other's point of view. It is very frustrating with him not knowing the answers to my questions but I do not make him feel bad. I understand it's very confusing for him but it makes me feel betrayed, you know? I posted it here because I don't know how to deal with these feelings because they're making me so sad. And yes, I KNOW that it's bigger than the porn issue, it makes me feel bad about myself, that's no secret. I just don't know what to do about it. I have analyzed the way I reacted, realized it was wrong and apologized accordingly. This kind of thing does not happen in our relationship ever, the yelling. I was so incredibly angry.

I just feel after all of these replies that it makes me feel worse about my situation. I'm an abuser who overreacted about my boyfriend who looked at porn who, regardless if he told me he'd never look at it, should be able to look at porn without me telling him how upset it makes me. I feel like my boyfriend, my best friend and only person I truly trust has done something that perpetuates the thought of women as objects. Sometimes he makes me feel like just a body to him and after this happened I feel more worthless. Like since I'm a woman I'm just a body to him. I talked to him about this and he says that it's not true, that he loves me for my mind but he shows me affection through touch. I don't know how to rid myself of this feeling of worthlessness for being a girl. And, I guess, the whole issue with him looking at porn made it 100 times worse. Everything was going better than ever before prior to me finding out and now I feel I've lost trust in him and what he says he believes.

I feel ridiculous, abusive, worthless, angry, hurt, and incredibly sorry. I haven't been able to sleep or eat very much, and I can't concentrate in school. I keep crying about it, when it really shouldn't be such a big deal, right?

He feels fine until I mention what happened, then he gets so sad because I'm still upset about it. He says he doesn't know how to make me feel better besides telling me that he doesn't know why he did it and it will never happen again. When that's really not what I care about. I don't care if he never does it again, I just want him to be truthful with me and what he's against and what he likes. He still stands by his opinion that porn is disgusting. It just doesn't make sense to me that not that long ago, it was arousing to him. His reaction to memories he doesn't like is to erase them. If he doesn't like it, just give him a little time to NOT think about it and it's gone. I, instead, remember everything. I can't get the image of him doing this out of my head, and it makes me sad, disgusted, angry and hurt all at the same time and makes me feel like I don't matter as much.

So I guess what I'm asking is: How do I feel better about this?

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Heather
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Okay, I think I perhaps see a way in here.

You do understand that what arouses us is NOT always things that are ethically okay with us, or which we like, yes? Let me give you a tough example: sometimes, women who are being raped will find their bodies are responding in an aroused way. OBVIOUSLY, those women do not want to be raped, and obviously, being raped is not something they like. But our bodies and minds are not always at one with each other when it comes to arousal. In fact, they often are not: a lot of people have sexual fantasy which arouses them physically but which they find very emotionally disturbing or uncomfortable.

That said, it's entriely possible your partner did not lie to you, and is being honest now: that he is anti-porn, that intellectually/ethically he doesn't like it, but found himself curious, and found his body responded to it. That he remains very confused now.

Can you think about those things? It might help.

And it might also help to try and look at ALL the dynamics in your relationship (and poer your own self-image) that could be compounding the trauma here. If you two don't have a healthy relationship to begin with -- and it sounds like you very well may not -- dealing with this is going to be a lot harder.

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About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Monotonous
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I was thinking of that, but it really does not help very much. I really can't explain why it upsets me so much. It just does and I don't know what to do.

I think he and I have had a very healthy relationship until now. We talk very often about what's going on in our lives, how we feel the relationship is going and if one of us feels uncomfortable with something, we tell the other and try to work it out in a calm way and without saying or implying "It's your fault I feel like this". And it always ends up working out and everything is fine, because we come to compromises or we begin to see the other's point of view in a different light.

This is just the only time where I haven't gotten over it. I really don't know of what dynamics you speak, and it actually hurts for you to assume that our relationship is unhealthy because of this one issue we're having. This has never happened before, and his approach is to just not think about it if it bothers you, which doesn't work for me at all. So, I feel I can't talk to him about it because I don't want to make him feel worse about what happened and I don't really think he can help me because his solution is to just not think about it and it's that simple. I can't talk to anyone else I know because I have respect for him and he told me he was so embarrassed and ashamed about what happened so I don't want to talk to anyone we know personally.

What can I improve in my relationship? We are very communicative and understanding with each other, but the only reocurring problem is me feeling like a body sometimes. I really do think it's my own moodiness's fault for that, though, because I send him mixed messages. One minute I can laugh about it and pinch him back if he pinches my butt or something silly like that and the next it makes me really uncomfortable. Sometimes if I catch him staring at my body for what seems like too long I feel really vulnerable and I get upset. I was raped when I was very young and so I have some problems in the physical aspects of our relationship sometimes; could this be where the trouble is starting?

For example, some days I will initiate sexual activity and the next I feel like he's being too pushy and I tell him to back off, for doing the same thing he did the day before. Also, I feel like he doesn't listen to me when I tell him to stop, say if he pinches my butt again. I'll tell him to stop again and I feel like I shouldn't have to say it twice and I get really upset. How can we fix this? Am I overreacting about this, too?

Also, I'm an incredibly jealous person. I can admit it. He is, too. Not possessive, because I'd never tell him he couldn't do something. So, we're both jealous and very loyal so it works out. Most of the time. I find myself being jealous over silly things a lot and thus I find it unnecessary to bring them up to him because they're just silly! However, I'm not very trusting either. Even though he's the person I trust most, I really don't think I trust him as much as I should. I had a very bad experience with a previous relationship where I bared my soul and got really hurt, but that's no excuse, right? I just can't help but feel like someone will come along and like that he's gone. But I know it won't happen. But I'm still scared. Just like how I used to be scared about pregnancy all the time, if you remember. This is another thing I get so irrationally scared about. I don't know how to deal with it because I don't want him to get upset or worried about me being upset and worried, so I don't talk that much to him about it. Should I? I feel like it'll just start problems.

I got very scared that I was losing his interest and so he looked at porn; he says this is not so. It still scares me. I guess what will be, will be. If it's not meant to be then it won't be. But he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and he gives me so much motivation and reasons to be happy that completely outnumber the bad things and I'm happy in our relationship overall. I just seem to be stuck in a terrible rut about this and I don't know how to feel better. Would therapy be a good idea? Does it sound like I'm obsessive-compulsive about this, too, as well as diseases and the like?

I just feel so confused.

Posts: 59 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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You seem very keenly aware of the problems you're facing, even if you can't see how they make up an unhealthy relationship. I'll go by the following, and explain each thing I see, according to your post history. Just so you know, we aren't here to hurt your feelings or jump on your back; if you felt like that, apologies.

- "I'm with my boyfriend almost 24/7, and it's been like this for over a year. He'll go away for a few days for his moving job and I mope and find his stuff and cry because I miss him so much."

Even if this is something you've since gotten over, that's a major sign that there's just too much dependance. Being away for a couple days is bound to happen frequently, and in a balanced life outside a relationship, one should have plenty of other things to do, as well as the emotional stability to deal with brief seperation.

- Your sexually abusive past. Have you been through counselling to overcome the scars of this? You cite in your previous reply that you feel it's interfering with your current relationship; why not look into doing something to help you sort through it?

- Your anxiety issues. You were overly worried about pregnancy a little while ago, and now it's shifted towards your relationship itself. Again, counselling or therapy sounds like a great route to get to the root.

- Jealousy and the trust issues that accompany it aren't normal or healthy. Jealous feelings often aren't negated by remaining faithful, as you cited, and as this whole pornography issue debunks.

- "But he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and he gives me so much motivation and reasons to be happy that completely outnumber the bad things and I'm happy in our relationship overall. "

How much do you rely on him for feelings of happiness, motivation, and security? Do you feel that without him, you'd have next to none? Do you have other sources of these strengths in other areas of your life?

- His suicide threat. Not cool, seriously. If he was being earnest, he needs some therapy, and soon. To suggest that he'd kill himself because you're "all he has" just reinforces the fact that you two are unhealthily co-dependant and have your own seperate issues that may be dragging your relationship down.

This is just a list of things to think about. The volunteers and users have long recommended you attend therapy/counselling since your anxiety issues became apparent. It'd be a really good move on your part to take some action; encourage your partner to seek therapy, too.

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logic_grrl
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In addition to what Miss Lauren's said:

Also, I feel like he doesn't listen to me when I tell him to stop, say if he pinches my butt again. I'll tell him to stop again and I feel like I shouldn't have to say it twice and I get really upset.

Okay. So if you feel he's not respecting your boundaries in that way, that's an issue. You're not over-reacting by being upset about that - you're right, you shouldn't have to say it twice - and he should be aware that as an abuse survivor, this is likely to be especially stressful for you.

Really, just on the basis of what you've posted here, the porn clearly isn't the only issue in the relationship.

That doesn't necessarily mean that you two shouldn't be together - just that there are some things you two need to sort out to get the relationship into better shape.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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Monotonous
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Yeah, that post about me missing him so much when he's away for a few days is not so true anymore... I mean, sure, I miss him but it doesn't make me sad because I have lots of other things I can do. I mean, I have hobbies and clubs I'm in and such! This school year I've been very busy, what with being a president and marching band and debate and drama and extra chorus groups and school work alone... Jeez, it's a lot of time I don't really get to relax! I don't see him as much as before and I really do think it has strengthened my love for him rather than make me sad. So, yeah, I'm really not so dependent, but he does make me feel incredibly happy when I'm with him. When I'm not, it's okay too.

No, I haven't been to counseling because my family doesn't believe I need it. I did go to a psychologist that came to the school, though, because it was free. It didn't really help. I tried talking to my grandmother about getting counseling and she said it wasn't necessary and that it's all in my head. We really don't have money for that and to be frank, my parental figures aren't willing to really try to help me get help that they don't think I need. It only bothers me sometimes, like I said, but I guess I would benefit from counseling of some sort.

Yeah, same as before. I'm just so so paranoid. It puts a lot of stress in my relationship because my boyfriend is very anxiety-free, so it's not very easy for him to understand, and he doesn't like to see me sad, of course. Anxiety makes me so irritable and I snap at my friends and him sometimes and that's what usually causes problems... But actually, since I've been on birth control I haven't been nearly as paranoid, for some reason. I don't know if it has something to do with the hormones, or how it lessens my appetite and so I eat less junk and I've lost some weight, and it cleared up my acne. I feel good about the way I look and that just made me less paranoid, maybe? Put me in a better mood in the morning? Until the whole porn thing happened, anyway.

Yeah. Jealousy is a problem. I just don't know how to solve it.

I don't rely on him that much, I don't think. I just feel like I'm never alone, you know? Even if he's not physically here, he's here. It's comforting. He gives me motivational speeches that help me when I feel low, like that little nudge you need sometimes. Things you get from a best friend. If I was without him, well, sure it would take a lot of time to adjust because he is so close with me, it's like losing anyone close to you, it's not the same as before and it hurts. But I am my own best friend as well, and I have many amazing friends so it's not like I'd ever be alone, regardless of whether I feel that way it's not true. I have motivation to do well because I choose to and I want to make a difference, with or without him.

The suicide thing; he's really not like that ever, at all. I'm pretty sure he had like a nervous breakdown. I think that's what happened. He really started getting so upset and sort of shut off. It was very scary. He wasn't going to kill himself, I knew it. He likes life way too much. He snapped out of it with a little coaxing and was and still is perfectly fine. He's almost always happy. Things don't faze him very easily, but when something hurts him, it really hurts. I asked him about this suicide thing today, after you asked that, and he said that he would never do that because he's a very happy person. The whole day when I learned about the porn was just surreal. Like everything that ever bothered me that I didn't talk about just exploded. It was so strange.

Honestly though, our relationship right now is very good, besides me feeling sad whenever anything reminds me of porn. I don't know what to do about this. Will I just get over it over time? Or is there something I can do? I'd prefer to not talk to my partner about it because he doesn't like to think about it, and then we have two sad people and two sad people don't do anything constructive.

I really wish I could do something about anxiety but there's just no time or money, really! I only have 2 study halls every six days and I need them to get things done. If I bring it up to my dad or grandmother they just sort of take it as no big deal. It is a big deal and it has been for a long time but they don't believe me. They don't believe I'm really obsessive-compulsive like that psychologist lady at school said I was and they said I didn't need to see her again. Which basically means they don't want me to, and also our meetings took up my study halls. My family's very short on money right now, after 4 surgeries in just a few months and thousands of dollars spent for new glasses and fixing a truck, there's just no money. I really do think if they tried they could find money or use the insurance or something to get me therapy but it's just excuse after excuse. How do I got about getting through to them that this is something serious that I need?

Posts: 59 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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