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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » i cheated..

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Author Topic: i cheated..
-arsyn-
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Member # 27744

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yeah.. i did. about a month ago. and i really need help.

i've been with my boyfriend almost a year now, and we've been through alot.. from walks in the park to pregnancy and abortion, and everything in between. through it all we've gotten so close. i love him.

after what i did i'm trying to be strong. but i don't know what strong is. have the courage to tell him? or try to deal with it? i cheated on him three times, with two different people, in the same week. i must have been temporarily insane. i don't know what possessed me. but i did it, and the responsibility is all mine. (although, the second time was not totally consentual. but i did get myself into the situation.)

so now i have no idea what to do. i feel that i should just let it go, as a mistake or.. three... but i'm worried about how my emotions have been running rampant lately. my love for him has become something like obsessive and desperate. (another big problem.) losing him feels to me like the most devastating thing that could possibly happen to me right now. i have dreams about it, or hear songs that make me imagine losing him and they make me cry, on an almost daily basis.

but i know this is because the guilt is tearing me apart. my conscience is eating me alive. i need to lessen the guilt, but if i tell him, i am absolutely sure i would lose him and most of my dearest friends. they would know i am not who they think i am. i've become what we all hate: a liar. not a true friend at all.

where i am in my life right now, i don't feel like i can afford emotionally to lose him or my friends. i know this is selfish and deceitful. but it's not something i could handle.

sorry for such a long post.. i just really don't know what to do

[ 10-26-2006, 07:25 AM: Message edited by: -arsyn- ]

Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, you really can't NOT tell him, even just per his sexual health. Even if y'all practice safer sex, he'll have additional risks now that it is patently unfair and disrespectful for him NOT to know about, not to mention dangerous to his health.

You love the guy, you'll tell the guy. Incredibly hard as it is, it really does boil down to that.

Plus, this isn't just about what you need and want: it's about being sure that he is allowed to make choices based on what he needs and wants, too. It's just not fait to a partner to make those choices for them.

Good friends won't leave you for something like this: they may be pissed at you or disappointed at first, but they're not going to abandon you. And while your partner may or many not still want to be your partner, per se, or may want some time away from you for a while, he may well not ditch you by the side of the proverbial road, either.

Tell a friend first who you feel really will support you, even if they're not in agreement with your choices. Then tell the guy, girl.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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-arsyn-
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i didn't even think of that before.. the health risks, i mean... well you're right, i'm going to have to tell him, i just don't know how to handle this.. i can't stop crying... i can't lose him... my worst nightmares would be coming true and i'd be completely alone, he's my best friend and the only person i can really depend on, i can't even say that about any members of my family... this is killing me..
Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 8067

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Just to pick up on something you mentioned:

(although, the second time was not totally consentual. but i did get myself into the situation.)

If it's "not totally consensual", it's not consensual. Whether you "got yourself into the situation" or not, you're not responsible for what someone does to you without your consent.

So don't mix that up with the things that you did consent to, and make sure you're getting the support you need - any sort of non-consensual sexual experience is a trauma, and you've mentioned having abuse issues in the past before this, and that's got to be making this extra tough for you.

Do you have any access to a counsellor or support group?

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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-arsyn-
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Member # 27744

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no, i don't. not right now.
Posts: 35 | From: Oregon | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Obviously, too, if this is THE most important person in your life, if you cannot make sense of why you did what you did (per what WERE your choices), and if with this, you found yourself putting things at risk you just would not have, SOMETHING is going on with you that needs some address, which perhaps your partner has noticed?

In other words, what brought all of this about or spurred it on? What problems are you having that got you here? Where was your head when you made these choices, and why? What are the social situations you've been putting yourself in? Drugs or alcohol involved? No matter what happens with your partner, and maybe before you even talk to him (but please, from a sexual health standpoint, hold off on sex until you talk to him, and don't let this wait much longer, especially if you two have been sexually active in the last month: he's going to need new STI testing, and so are you), I'd spend some time thinking about this stuff. That needs to be addressed for your well-being, and for you to make sense of this for yourself.

[ 10-26-2006, 02:13 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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