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Author Topic: LTRelationship
HepBettie
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<WARNING: Looooong Post!>
I don't know if it's an emotional bump I'm going through, actually it's not quite emotional but I'm not sure what it is exactly what my problem is falling under.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years, in January it's going to be 4, and I love him so much--so much in fact when I was asked to marry him I said yes. We don't have immediate plans to marry, I want to finish college first and get my carreer started (or at the least a decent job).
But some times I feel bored with our relationship. It's vanilla. I know our routines when we're together. And we're generally not together for too often. Well we are since I'm with him almost everyday, but my school schedual and his work schedual clash and by the time I get to see him it's 9pm and I'm usually alseep a couple hours later.

Sex. I don't want to sound like this is a huge deal, because I don't feel it a huge deal but it does get to me. There are time when he absolutely doesn't want to. This can go on for weeks and then afterwards it's like an expolsion and he's wanting to all the time. And that again is vanilla to me. I know the routine. I won't go into details, but it works out the same almost every time.

I tried talking to him, asking him if there was anything he was into, something we could test out. He says to me "Asian chicks". Scarleteen, I'm not Asian. I probably won't ever be Asian even if I tried. When I told him that's not what I meant, he just kinda shut down and said "I think what we do is fine." And it is. It works for us both. But the same thing over and over gets blah to me. (if anyone knows astrology it's the Gemini thing) I told him what I kind of wanted to try and he pretty much was like "no". Only because it didn't peek his interest and that's fine. I'm not dumb I know he watches/looks at porn so I asked him what does he look at, perhaps give me a hint into what he likes, and he didn't tell me.

I'm open minded to most things. There are things I won't do like anal sex. I had a boyfriend before him that was always talking about anal and he was always trying to do it to me and I'm just so uncomfortable about the idea of it. But my ex is also an issue of relationship/self-esteem problems I have, that I am working through still.

And sometimes I sit and think that I would like to be single. I don't want to say that I'm wasting my youth, because it just sounds so harsh, but I'm missing out on a lot because I am in this committed relationship. Sometimes I would like to not have any ties and not feel guilty about flirting with other guys and teasing. I'm not saying I want to end the relationship because I love him to death. I can just feel it that he is "The One" and "Mr. Right". But I do want to experience the "Mr. Wrongs".

I did consider talking to him and saying hey let's take a break and just see what it's like in the dating world with other people for a while and see if we like it. But around the time I was considering doing it, a friend of his and his girlfriend went and did that. He let me know clearly that if it was him in his friend's position he wouldn't take her back. He said it was because "she wants to be a whore without the guilt." So that's out the window. I take sex seriously and I don't want to go out and "be a whore". I just want to I guess play with the other singles. Harmless fun.

Going back to the relationship/self-esteem porblems I have from my ex I know they're interfering with my relationship with my current boyfriend. I sometimes thing my boyfriend is bored with me, and is no longer attracted. I get jealous pretty easily even if I try hard to fight it. I know he has friends that are girls and a lot of his girl-friends are pretty and it just makes me feel like the ugly duck because things about them I feel are better than things about me. And I know this is from my ex for the most part because he was a LTR too, and months and months he would tell me "I love you" but I never saw until much later his words didn't fit his actions. What happened was he dumped me the day after we go into a fight (that day happened to be our anniversary) and I'm not sure if it was the same day or the day after he asked out this other chick to a big social function that I planned on going with him to. Before the dramatic breakup of course.

Okay so sorry about the huge rant to get to my burning question, do many people feel the same way when they stretch into the long-term relationships? (I felt I should have explained my feelings to compare and contrast to yours.)

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"We drink to your coffin.
May it be built from the wood of a hundred year old oak tree that I shall plant tomorrow."
-Irish Toast

Posts: 20 | From: Upstate NY | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dailicious
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(Hey, HepBettie, I just wanted to drop a note that your situation actually hit some things home with me that I'd really like to respond about, but after working a 13 hour day, I'm having a total mindlapse tonight and cannot seem to word things in the way I'd like to get them across and really need to get to bed to work a 10 hour tomorrow, ick. But tomorrow night I'm going to try my hardest to get back in and respond, if that's alright, and in the meantime hopefully others will come by with some helpful advice for you!)

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Jean
aka dailicious
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Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bunni13
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HepBettie, while reading your post, I thought to myself, "I had a relationship just likes this!" It's amazing at how alike our stories are. My ex (yes we are exes now) Ryan could be a twin to your boyfriend. With the clashing schedules, the sex thing, the keeping his feelings in. Everything is the same. I was bored with it also, as you say you get sometimes. That is not a bad thing. More like normal if you ask me. As for his being bored with you, I'm not sure because Ryan wasn't bored with me, he was just bored with our relationship because, "We just weren't connecting as lovers." (as he put it) Well, I think it was because he wouldn't open up and tell me what he wanted. I would've tried anything (except anal and he knew that and respected it, as he was opposed to it as well) but he wouldn't tell me anything. It was like he was trying to screw with our relationship.

To answer your question- I think many people do. Long-term is like marriage with the understanding that you can leave the "marriage" if need be. It's like a test drive. My advice to you however, is keep going. Try your hardest and love the best you can. If it just is not meant to be, then it isn't. Don't fight it. We all go through this as I said above.

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Fact: Many teens in the US have pregnancy as their main worry- which is only one risk to worry about when you're sexually active. If you are sexually active, it's healthy to have STI tests. Please, get tested.

Posts: 65 | From: Missouri, US | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dailicious
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(Home from work, if any of this seems worded strangely to you, please point it out and ask me to clarify or feel free to argue/disgaree/wonder about what I'm saying!)

Firstly let me say, again, that while I have never been in quite the same situation as you have, having been in a long term relationship and having faced similar issues in terms of choices we need to make in life and needing to be able to let go, a lot of what you said did hit-home to me.

A couple of the things you said did send up some flags to me:

It sounds like your communication is struggling, and especially after four years, IF this relationship is going to continue strongly and progress into a marriage? You NEED to build that up, and you NEED to be able to address and breach pretty much every single issue you're bringing up here. It really is worrisome to me that he's being as unresponsive as he is in terms of opening up and responding to you about sexual interests. It's one thing to feel that you do not wish to do a certain sexual activity, and a partner needs to respect that, but not even be willing to open up and discuss sexual activity in general, on a larger scope? Not great on his part, at all.

Also? Saying that wanting a break from a relationship is the equivalent to wanting to "be a whore without the guilt" - not cool, at all. I do not want to be assumptious as I don't personally know your boyfriend, but my jerk-flag went straight up at this comment. Again, it's one thing to feel a certain way about taking a break from a partner just in order to experiment with other relationships, and that's totally his perogative, but to so blatantly and ignorantly write her off as wanting to be a whore? Really not cool, and doubly not cool if he'd assume the same thing about you if you were to discuss with him your feelings of wanting to have some breathing room from the relationship.

As far as breaks go, let me say as well that I'm generally of the opinion that they don't work. Based on my personal experience of taking a "break" from a relationship, it really just complicated things more than giving you the room you need. If you think you need a breather from the relationship, you need to decide to just end the relationship or not - that doesn't mean there isn't a possibility that you and your partner could decide to be a couple again, but "break" has way too many shady boundaries, it really needs to be a clear cut "we're not together right now" and that's pretty much that. Also? As much as you love a person? That doesn't mean that it's going to be the right thing for either of you to stay together. And again, I'm speaking direct, albeit painful, personal experience on that one. It sucks, a lot, to let something go that you put so much of your energy and emotions into, but if there are problems that can't be solved, if YOU need room to find out who YOU are outside of a relationship? That needs to be taken into account and you need to act on what's best for you, and I'm sorry, hon, but staying in a relationship just because you love someone a lot isn't enough, the communication and teamwork and growth as a couple and as individuals with eachother needs to be there too.

And the truth of the matter? If you're worth it to him (And yeah, it can be scary and painful to find out or to question if he really feels that way)? HE'S going to put in the effort to communicate with you if you express your worries to him, and HE'S going to give you the space you need and NOT call you a whore or write you off. He's going to realize that the relationship takes work, because heck, ALL relationships do, even the really strong ones.

Again, this is really something I feel strongly about that you NEED to speak with your boyfriend. You need to discuss with him the feelings you're having or I'd be willing to bet things are just going to get a lot worse, and probably pretty quickly.

(Also? Just to counter something that Bunni said, since it was nagging at me a bit -

Long-term relationships really AREN'T like a marriage; sure, there are similar levels that needs to be there, such as the trust and communication and compromise, what have you, but there are a considerable number of vital differences between the two - financially, when it comes to family and wanting/not wanting to build one, needing to further build your communications and trust, needing to further develop your compromise skills, it goes on...

just a niggle there.)

[ 10-21-2006, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: dailicious ]

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Jean
aka dailicious
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Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
HepBettie
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Thanks for the input and there's some information that I did left out that may explain some of the things with my boyfriend. He has never had a girlfriend before me, nor had he have any type of sexual contact with other females. When we first started dating it was like being back in middle school with an awkward boy. He's gotten better since then. But I feel like that could be part of the reason why he responds the way he does when it comes to sex and the like. I also don't know if he doesn't want to open because we've been in the relationship for so long and bring up an idea and think I'll think he's a total freak/pervert. Honestly I don't think I would ever respond to him in that way. I love him way too much. And besides I already think he's kind of a freak, but it's fun, and not in the creepy way...if that's possible and you understand where I'm getting at.

I try talking to him and I know he likes space. See there are two types of people in relationships. The "I" people and the "We" people.
Example: "What are WE doing this weekend."
"I'M going out with friends."
And that's not a bad thing because people need space, but I'm more of a "We" person and he's an "I" person. And as you can see that can clash at times. And we have worked things out like on days off of work sometimes he'd rather be with his best friend without me hanging around. And that's what's happening later this week. Him and his friend are taking 3 days to go on a trip to a ChillerCon. Would I like to go? Sure. But I know it's something that probably keeps both of our sanities to be away from each other every now and then.

Okay, going off on something totally different...sorry. But what I'm getting at was that before I came along he was used to an "I" lifestyle until the age of 18, and it's hard to adjust to "We".

--------------------
"We drink to your coffin.
May it be built from the wood of a hundred year old oak tree that I shall plant tomorrow."
-Irish Toast

Posts: 20 | From: Upstate NY | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
dailicious
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Honestly? When you're IN a relationship? You need to understand that there's both a "WE" and an "I" - there shouldn't really be one or the other: and that's something both of you could work on. It's highly important that as an individual, you do have personal time apart from the person you're in a relationship with. It's healthy to have outside friends from your relationship, and it's perfectly healthy as well to express to your partner, "Hey, I'm taking some time with just my pals this weekend, I'll be back in a couple days and will see you then, have a good weekend, yourself!" HOWEVER, it is also important to be able to communicate and compromise when you and your partner can have personal, together time, or do activities together, whether it's with friends or alone. Again, this comes down to communication, and is something I think you should try and express to him. Also? Liking space means diddly-squat when it comes to communicating in a relationship and building on communication and compromise skills - it's not an excuse for not talking, and if someone makes it one? They just plain don't want to talk or listen and it's going to be incredibly difficult to get anywhere productive or healthy in a relationship with them.

And really? There are a ton of people who don't have actual, or long-term relationships until they're 18 or older. It's not that strange, and quite frankly, after 4 years? The "we" and "I" parts of your relationships should be something you can tackle at this point, if you've not been able to before now. Again (I'm going to start sounding like a broken record) - communication.

So please please please, I'll say this a thousand times to the end of the earth - talk to him ASAP. TELL HIM pretty much exactly what you've been saying here - LET him know that you're not going to think he's strange for any sexual interests he has, LET him know that you WANT to try something new with your sexual relationship and would like to get feedback on what he's interested in. (And heck, if you ARE a bit odded out by something he likes? There's no reason you have to explore it.)

(And just as a disclaimer for my own feelings, sexual experience and relationship experience means SQUAT in being presumptious and a jerk, I still stand by the fact that I think him essentially calling this other girl a whore for wanting to experience some different relationships, sexual or not, is out of line.)

So again, talk talk talk!

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Jean
aka dailicious
Scarleteen Volunteer
Love us? Want to keep us in your lives and hearts? Give what you can!

Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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