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Author Topic: kindof a groupie, heh ;P
000
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Okay, so for those of you who didn't follow this earlier: I hooked up with a touring musician awhile back who I met at a party. I had a great time, personally, but I don't think I communicated that to him, b/c I got nervous and basically shut-down, which is what I do when I feel vulnerable. He didn't get to cum so I don't know how he felt about that. We shared a couch but we didn't talk the next day -w/ so many people around, it probably would have been awkward for both of us.

Anyway, so I'd kind of like to see him again, you know, if I can make it to a city where he's playing a concert or whatever. I figure I'd have to approach him and just be pretty flirty and direct. Of course, I don't have a way of knowing how attracted he was to me to begin with (i.e. was our previous hookup a result of beer/exhaustion goggles on his part, b/c it was the end of his tour?) Do you think anything I could do would up the chances of having a good time with him again? Like trying to contact him ahead of time, or aything?

(f.y.i. please don't judge me or my intentions, I'd get that enough at home)

cheers -iheartdc

[ 10-08-2006, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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If you'd like to give a fanciful answer feel free. The fanciful aspect of this whole situation is half the fun for me.
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kathryn888
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I recently had this problem with a random one night stand. I wanted to hook up and again, or possible get to be friends, but he never called me. I worried about all the reasons why he didn't contact me. Was I no good? Was I too clingy the next morning? Did I say something stupid?

Finally he sent me an IM saying that he has a girlfriend and he regrets cheating on her. Now I see him around campus every once and a while, but whatever. We say hi and that's all.

You can ask yourself a million questions about why the hook up happened and what he's now thinking of you. But if you have no way of contacting him, your questions will never be answered. It's a tough realization I know.

Can you be satisfied with the one night stand and just enjoy the fantasy of it? If you find out more about this guy you might not like him as much as you did that special night. I would consider it an adventure, that is now over.

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"Can you be satisfied with the one night stand and just enjoy the fantasy of it? If you find out more about this guy you might not like him as much as you did that special night. I would consider it an adventure, that is now over."

I know this makes sense. But I'm really not holding high expectations for who he is as a person or anything, other than the fact I think he might be interesting -but I don't necessarily think I'd get to know him. That night I totally wasn't expecting anything more than one night, which is why I didn't act in a manner conducive to anything more. But now I can't stop reminiscing about it and it's really distracting. I'd rather know that another hookup was a go or no go, I think, than remain addicted to a fantasy. I certainly don't want him to think I'm a psycho... -I just thought if we're in the same city, it'd be so /convenient/...

I really don't know if I can put into the English language how amazing the whole experience was for me. *sigh* I mean, what if he was like the hottest/most graceful guy I'll ever hookup with (not to mention /so/ my type and semi-famous)? What if the rest of my life will be like this long anticlimax (no pun intended)? (*insert bittersweet smiley here*)

I know I'm building this up too much in my mind -and I'm still maintaining the attitude that "hey, it was a good story" but /still/...

[ 10-08-2006, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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kathryn888
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I understand how distracting the memory of a one night stand can be! And the fact that he's semi-famous and a musician is way sexy. It's hard to give that up and put it in the past. But I'm quite sure that this will NOT be the hottest sexperience of your life. I guess you have nothing to lose in contacting him, except maybe looking a little clingy. How are you planning to talk to him again?
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Heather
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Is there a reason you can't just phone this guy and say, "Hey, I had a good time and I'd like to see you again. Want to meet sometime?"

Seems pretty simple to me.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Thanks Heather [Smile] , but actually I didn't ask for his number [Razz] All I really have right now is like the contact info for the band itself, which could be awkward. Maybe after some stalking I could dig something up, heh, since I do know his name and the general place he lives. I still think I'd wait until I knew we were going to be in the same city at the same time.

(Plus some friends now want to go to a show. My sister and I agree the drummer would be /so/ her type, and my friend has called dibs on the keyboard player.) [Razz] (...yep I'm pretty ridiculous)

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Well, my sister and a friend have both kind of said that they think it would make me look desperate/pathetic to go a couple of hours to see a show when the first setup was so casual and I haven't kept in contact, which was kind of how I was feeling also. It sort of seems too bad for me in this other way though, you know, b/c life is so short and all. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only 20 yr old who would go to considerable lengths to sleep with someone who really turned them on. I try not to be too judgmental of people who show they like me, but you know, there are a lot of people who'd be judgmental of something like that. So I probably won't go, unless the band like really, really comes through someplace I'm going to be anyway. I just wish life was more exciting.
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Heather
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Well, maybe next time you take that extra step and ask for the person's phone number.

Which is a pretty small request after sharing something as intimate -- even in a casual setting -- as sex, after all.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Well, if it happens again with somebody I wind up liking I'll /try/ to ask. But the thing is, you know, that /because/ I was impressed with him I freaked out. /I/ was the one who stopped activity with no real explanation, and /I/ was the one who first got up in the middle of the night and moved where I was sleeping away from him, after all. I still think he's very sexy, but I've showed pictures to a couple of friends and I guess objectively, he's not necessarily more physically attractive than I am or anything. So maybe he was particularly attracted to me. Now I'm kind of afraid it will be a long time before I find someone else I'm so attracted to, who so embodies my ideas of sexy. It really seems like only once or twice a year that I find someone I'm even moderately interested in who is interested in me on some level back, and then my interest might not last very long.

Maybe I could hookup with him again locally sometime in the future or something though. I think trying to pick him up would be less awkward if I wasn't travelling and could actually offer him a place to stay. Does my obsession with this guy seem abnormal, though? People I'm that attracted to are few and far between, and then I'll be stuck on them for months whether or not they know it... I know a lot of girls don't seem to have crushes that strong, or only have strong crushes on good friends, or something.

[ 10-29-2006, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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Heather
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What strikes me as conflicting - "abnromal" is pretty hard to define here - is that for all you say you don't want anything committed or long-term, you're lighting on this one person, who you met once, and sparing that once, have had no contact with to know from Adam, and are completely wrapped up in the idea of them -- "idea" being the key phrase -- to the exclusion of everything else.

It also strikes me as odd that you think it's somehow unusual to be attracted to a person who is attracted back a few times in a year. Sounds like a pretty typical ratio to me: lightning doesn't strike every day, after all.

Too, if this is how things usually go with you, it's not surprising you lose interest once you actually get closer to a person: the reality of people can't hold up will to extended fantasy.

In a word, who the heck knows what to say to you about this. But sitting and investing time and energy in imagining all these scenarios so that it's somehow seamless when you didn't even feel close enough to ask for a phone number after spending the night does strike me as counterproductive. Flatly, I say you either just bloody well make some contact now, or file it under fantasy and move on to reality.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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quote:
when you didn't even feel close enough to ask for a phone number after spending the night
Well I'd /wanted/ to talk to him the next day but logistically it was weird. To make a long story short, I wouldn't have done it in front of a bunch of people who didn't all know what happened.
quote:
It also strikes me as odd that you think it's somehow unusual to be attracted to a person who is attracted back a few times in a year. Sounds like a pretty typical ratio to me
Well I guess I just always think of those girls in hs or college who seem like they're always dating someone and they'd go through a fair number of guys/girls. And I'd be kind of jealous but I just wouldn't understand how they did it -I guess I was assuming there must be mutual attraction. As opposed to me, who in 7 yrs of wanting to date and being attracted, has dated 2 people, both of whom I felt pretty lukewarm about.
quote:
the reality of people can't hold up will to extended fantasy.
Maybe a catch is that I /enjoy/ fantasizing too, but maybe it does make it harder to connect w/ real people. I've always had a super-active imagination. Maybe it would be better for me to try and stop fantasizing for awhile, at least just to see what happens? I thought everyone fantasizes -but I guess I suspect that I do it more often/more intensely than most people.

It's certainly not like I'm incapable of having crushes or wanting to do things with other people though, even though I'm still entertaining the idea of seeing this one guy again -so I don't think it's like I'm not "moving on to reality". Reality currently doesn't involve any action either *shrug*
quote:
completely wrapped up in the idea of them -- "idea" being the key phrase -- to the exclusion of everything else.
I wouldn't say "to the exclusion of everything else". But it is definitely probably what I'm thinking about more often than anything else. But that just seems to be the way my brain works -largely one track mind. I know I said once that I've always thought about sex in general a lot -I have to steer away from what I'm thinking about a lot, even in coed groups, b/c it's usually too explicit. I've been known to scare boys I was friends with away by accidentally talking about sex too much. Before I was sexually active I used to have all sorts of sexual thoughts about boys/girls I knew, teachers, etc. By comparison, focusing that energy on a person I had an especially positive memory from seems a lot safer, I guess, and just sort of happens naturally. Like I've said, I've never experienced a strong attraction to someone from getting to know them well -for me attraction seems to be firstly the way they look, and after that things like the way they move, touch, voice, to a degree personality, etc. I can look at pictures of him online -but in all honestly, I am not as excited about seeing him again as I was just a week ago, b/c I'm starting to forget.

The fact is I would def hook up with him again and perhaps multiple times, but I do not know him well enough to know if I'd want more, and getting to know him in other contexts would be ok, but would not be particularly important to me -that just doesn't seem that odd to me, although by now I've realized to other people that seems odd. I'm not hoping to see him again under seamless conditions. I'm just generally a bit more comfortable with people at home base -logistically things make more sense. (I'm 20, I don't own a car, I'm broke) Even if I had some friends who could go with me, that would help. (Not to mention, I would have been on my period this weekend, yet another logistical difficulty)

By the same token that I wasn't going to ask to see him again in front of a bunch of people who were clueless, I'm not going to use the band's contact info to try and get in contact with him (I mean the band guys knew, but it would still put him on the spot). If I ever get a good chance to see him in person, I'll say hi, I'll flirt with him, maybe ask him if he wants to come hang out at my place, it will be perfectly sleezy and straightforward and something that would not seem so desperate and something I'd be comfortable with. *shrug* I don't know how your brain works, but for me, if I don't have things planned out ahead of time including some ideas for what to say then when I actually get in a situation my brain turns to hamburger. So it's less about anticipating a seamless situation and more about avoiding disaster.

[ 10-29-2006, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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kathryn888
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I suggested you to chalk this one up to a fantasy/one night stand weeks ago. Do you understand my first post better now? I completely agree with Heather here. Fantasies are fun and all, but making a fantasy in order to "avoid disaster" if you 2 ever meet up again? You're not fooling anyone.
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000
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huh? this is like, an old post here. and I really think your post is misinterpreting things I've said. I didn't "make up a fantasy in order to 'avoid disaster'". A) I enjoy fantasizing (I also enjoy fantasizing about this particular guy), B) I want to have some idea of what I'd say/do if I saw him again, so that my mind wouldn't go blank, which it has a tendency to at inconvenient times. (Plus something about meeting a handful of people on my relatively small campus while hooking up w/ a band guy on their couch, while interesting, was not quite helping the libido last time, so having someplace familiar to hangout would be nice) A) and B) aren't that connected. And I'm not trying to "fool anyone" -I have no idea what you're talking about and I think that's an unnecessary comment.

I don't think chalking this up to never happening again /is/ necessary. He's a musician -he didn't disappear off the face of the earth. And if he'd hookup with me once after only knowing me for a couple of hours, his morals aren't suddenly going to get really rigid, I'll hazard to guess... I also bet he's too nice not to talk to me if I approached him. (wearing strategically cut clothing, of course) This is indie we're talking about -the band is big enough to be interesting, but not so big that the musicians are like on a different level where they don't normally associate with their fans. I'd just only do it if making the show was convenient, and I won't dwell on it much in the meantime.

[ 11-01-2006, 08:48 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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