So I met this hottie at the gym named Roy** (true identity will not be disclosed). Yeah, he's athletic, bald, sexy, a TRUE hottie, .50white .50black, but all I thought to myself during that time was that he was just one of those guys I'll meet & greet, nothing more & nothing less. I met Roy through one of his workout buddies who usually shares the butterfly machine with me so I wouldn't have to wait till their whole crew is done. Roy asked me where I graduated from after overhearing me telling his buddy that I recently graduated. Nonetheless, Roy expected my answer to be some high school, so lucky him, I busted out SFSU, which proves I am legit which made me more interesting and thats when he asked me out. Roy called me the same day and we talked n got to know each other, and blah blah blah. He was sure interesting and different then the people I usually meet ROY sparkled my eyes. We kicked it the following day and we got a lil intimate,. I have to be honest I was shy n nervous yet excited and juiced up.
Weeks have passed by and we have been seeing each other pretty often. Roy & i created a lot of unforgettably momentous & extraordinary times together - from July 4th romaticizen while watching the fireworks @ Berkeley Pier while getting perkin from grey goose TO spending the whole romantic day at Santa Cruz which happens to be one my happiest days in the whole world.FROM spending my 23rd bDay together at Zacharies and watching Miami Vice TO our numerous hot tub skinny-dippen moments that seems to be my favorite place on earth. FROM several first dates TO watching 1000000 movies at his place while consuming glasses of tequila or vodka (Notice I said glasses instead of shots- yes... i became hardcore). FROM cuddling and watching the glamorous sunset TO tossing n throwing rocks against the shore. FROM hiking thru the sweaty and nasty insects that went HYPHEE around us TO motorboating through dust and dawn on Labors Day. FROM wrestling in bed TO our winning A's game (which I surprised him with hellla (not hecka) good tickets too). Roy and I created extraordinary memories over the course of a few months and we've gotten real close, infact, I became more attached to him each and every passing day. We laughed and made jokes and cried of laughter. Anyways, I started to like him more and more everyday and I have to admit, I am falling hard for this guy. It felt funny because I didn't even want a relationship until i Roy.. I want him all to myself. I want him to be mine & I want to be his princesss. I want to be the one who makes him happy and smile. I want to be the last person who he see's every night and the first person he'll see every morning...
WHY? because he makes me smile and he makes me laugh. He makes me feel beautiful inside and out. He makes me feel extra special. He respects me in everything I do and even supports me through things even when i'm at fault. He touches my heart and he touches my soul. He sings through my soft spot. He kills my fears. He rests my body. Hesparkles my eyes. Just something about him really captures my heart. Roy can make me laugh all day and night.. actually.. lemme rephrase that... he cracks up day and night. The way he carries himself and even the way he talks and even walks, I love everything about him- he is determined and goal-oriented, this man knows what he wants when it comes to business. Even his sarcasm that can get me so upset makes me adore him even more. He finds humor in every breathe WE take and takes life as it goes..
Anyways... We got to know each other and we were happy dating, or SO I THOUGHT we were. Until one day, everything turned upside down, the day that he drilled through my fragile heart. Roy and I were on our way to Brenden Theaters to watch Superman- the 3 hour long movie. Roy told me in the car as if it was nothing- as if it was sumthun I can ignore- that his ex called and wanted to get back with him and wanted to move back in with him when she gets back from Cali. She moved outta state for school and now she is coming back to Cali (JUST GREAT!) at the end of September. For a moment I thought Roy was telling me this because he thought she was nuts and I thought he was gonna tell me that HELL NAH he wouldnt get bak with her because of me. Unfortunately, things didn't happen that way, he told me that he is CONSIDERING having her back into his life. During that trip to the theaters, my tears were about to explode at every angle in his car but I held it, it was extremely hard, but I held it till we got to the movies. I went to the bathroom and stayed there for 30 minutes bursting into a puddle of tears while talking to one of my friends. My tears wouldnt stop shooting out of my red eyes but I knew I had to clear up bcuz i didnt want Roy to know that I was crying. The movies was 3 hours long and I just wanted to go home but I didn't want to be rude.. I could barely concentrate as I continued to tear throughout the movie. SO THIS IS WHY SUPERMAN IS THE WORST MOVIE IN HISTORY- I dont remember anything but full of pain and tears as if I was a flapping fish struggling for water.
What I dont understand is that they didnt talk for 4 months and she calls all of the ******* sudden and hes considering it. What the living ****? So he said he will know by the end of the week (this was on a Monday so I had to wait 5 whole days). Boy were these the longest 5 days on Earth.. but guess what happens? I cried and sobbed, cried and sobbed for days and nights. I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF Did I not mean anything to him? Didn't he like me? How come not enough? What did I do or what didn't I do? I thought all the wonderful moments we spent together meant a lot to him, unfortunately it didn't. However, since he was just "reconsidering" it, my stupid-self thought there was a chance - a lil hope, maybe .0000001 hope but hey, thats still a possibility. If you really know me, u would no that I try to look on the positive side of everything and believe in fate and have hope in every situation and that anything can happen because nothing is impossible. Stupidly, I applied this belief throughout this tragedy.
Needless to say ...(pls dont b mad) we continued to date for the next 2 weeks ( dont ask me why cuz i dont ******* know) pretending like nothing happened yet I've waited patiently for his response since he never brought it up. I just couldn't take it anymore- those past 2 weeks felt like HELL therefore, i finally brought up the situation about his ex. He hasnt spoken to her about the situation which i find it pretty awkward, but he promised to talk to her the next day and let me know his decision. The following day, I received 3 of the same text that he talked to her that she can move in when she comes back. There again, I bursted into a bucket of tears... so confused.. so heartbroken. I didnt understand how come we coudlnt be together... I thought we liked each other and that we had hella fun... we got along.. we laughed.. and Roy even told me I was his type. His explanation was that he and his ex HAD a happy relationship together for 2 years and they broke up cuz of sumthun dumb. BUT thats why they call it the PAST. and if they truly loved each other, they wouldnt have let sumthun dumb get between them. Thats how I see it.
*** I dont no if i'm making any sense now cuz i cant ******* type, i cant stop tearing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND Still..We still hung out as if nothing happened. we still laughed , cuddled and still made mad love. He's my happiness, and when I'm with him it feels as if a whole stampede of butterflies were racing across my body from being too excited, yet too nervous. A great, big cheesy smile appears on my face that seems almost impossible to disappear when we're together. Happiness endures while the sadness that drains in me fights to fade away. I still had hope since we continued to spend time together. I am aware just as Roy said that we shouldn't see each other anymore bcuz its gonna be harder for us in the end. But guess what? It doesn't happen like that.. I can't walk away. I care about him and have extremely strong feelings for him to just walk away and move on when he became a huge part of my life. No barriers or obstacles would matter bcuz i love him way too much to just let everything go. True.. we just met, we're still getting to know each other, but I'm not afraid to be committed with him. Our age difference doesnt mean crap to me. We need to take risk or we will never know whats going to fall for us in the future. Dont be scared u ****er take the risk..I'M WILLING TO GIVE AND SHARE MY WORLD WITH YOU...THERES SO MUCH I CAN GIVE YOU. I will never hurt you or leave you. I will be there for you , just believe in me and I willl make u see. GOsh am i going insane cuz I no i will never gonna let him read this..
However, I still had hope.. but as many said.. it was false hope. But I tried almost everything to show him I can make him happy by being potential gf for him. I stopped clubbing just to spend all the time with him, stopped blazen cuz i realize that **** wont get u anywhere and that he doesnt like that crap. I basically stopped going out as much. There was nothing I rather do then to spend time with this man. True it'd dumb, but in reality, I maybe wasting my time. But it's the happiness that counts, although theres so little time yet so much love 4 him, his presence is my happiness and seeing him was all that matters..
I tried my best to let him know that I can be a good candidate and that I am not afraid to commit to him. I'm not afraid to start something new with him, to create extensive lasting memories..to build and invent plans and dreams together. Like I said..Our age doesnt make a difference.. My feelings became more sensitive and my heart became extra fragile. How come he dont love me? How come he wont let me in his life and give me a ******* chance.. I told him I love him everyday but received no similar words in return. It did hurt me each and every passing day but I still held it.. I don't have much time left but I still wanted to spend the last few weeks with him. When he's at work, I cleaned his house, washed his laundry, folded AND ironed his clothes, vacuumed, cleaned his dishes and even tried to make his place like a home sweet home for his booty butt when he gets back from work. For all those who knows me well.. i dont do half this **** at home. My expectations from all these duties were low since it was my choice and I wanted him to feel more comfortable and relaxing from his long and tired days from work. I swear, I cater to this guy left and right.. i just want him to be happy and feel loved. What more does he want? In addition to all these duties and tasks, I also made him cupcakes, lasagna, a fat *** beautiful heart-shaped cake, lumpias, fried rice, a beautiful cookie, pasta even BOUGHT A bottle of grey goose.
I love this man from the deepest degree of my living soul . My feelings towards him may seem repetitive. When i tried questioning him about this situation--- When I pour my heart and soul out... Roy responds with vague answers which leads me to more questions that the hates answering. He never likes to talk about this situation. My biggest question is: "IS HE USING ME TILL SHE GETS BACK?"... NO No No!!!!! He can't be.. how can anyone treat me like this bcuz i have showed him nothing but love and respect. I'm starting to hate and despise all ******* men. It was my choice to continue seeing him bcuz its hard to walk away esp since my love for him grew soo strong. Like i said, when we're together things are good.. I was happy.. I couldnt stop smiling. However, when we're not together, reality snaps and hits me HARD. Exaggerating assumptions rushes thru my mind and my world seems to fade from black to white. I brainstorm and think to myself and even realize that I will lose him one day and that day will be the saddest day of my life. I'm just waiting for that day to come.. waiting to flood my city with tears of sadness and sorrow.
I cant blame anyone but myself bcuz he was being honest with me by telling me about his ex gf. But why would he kiss me each time I told him I love him? Why does he tell me he misses me? Why do we still go out? Why does he have to tell me he has to break-up with me when shes back? Why doesnt he like me or give me a chance? I told him - HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and he sure is!!! I knew he loved it when I said that.. who wouldnt right? But he knew I was serious.. yet he still held me close.. When he has his arms around me it feels as if I was in heaven. I always asked myself.. "what wouldnt i do for this guy" BASICALLY NADA!!!!!...I told him I would do anything for him.. Even travel to Africa or travel the throughout whole country or live in another country for 10 years all alone if it was guaranteed that well be together. And to answer his question : YES.. I would even get stuck in a cave with Sudam Hussain and Bin Laden for 10 years if I had my gun with me. Even if he has one or no legs or arms at all.. I will still love him and would stay by his side. Even if he adopts 100 kids I would love each and every one of them just as if they were our own flesh and blood. Cant he ******* see it? I really dont know if he feels the same way about me.. Part of him seems as if he does want to be with me.. but part of him seems scared.. Part of him seems as if hes just playing it cooand u can see it in his eyes that he does enjoy being with me and that hes also happy when were together bcuz we have so much fun and a shore of laughter.
So now being at his house while hes at work, I have nothing to do but to write on this blog and watch TV. Last night we made great love, he got me sooo sprung with his sexyself!!!! He turned me from a shy girl into the biggest freak I can ever imagine. But thats not the whole point..Its not about the sex (and it better not for him ) BUT Damn 2 more weeks till our relationship drops to rock bottom which based on my emotional prediction, it will hit me HARD. It will shattere into four pieces. Why does the love dat I give this man leads me to the road of sadness and pain? Why am I still sticking around when I should be stepping back? Im being soo selfish to myself bcuz not only Roy is hurting me but I am hurting myself as well. What have I done to deserve any of this? My teary nights leads me to tossing n turning in bed soon leads to early teary mornings.. Negativity thoughts and emotions drains inside me while my hearts running out of blood. I've given so much to this guy, above all, I've given him my heart. WTF he gets the best of two worlds ???OOOHHHHHHH HELLL NAH. But until then I had nothing to do but wait: wait to burst a shower of tears, wait for the heartbreaking night, for an absolution which would never come. Feels almost like a heart-pounding adrenaline rush of throbbing pain sufficating in my lifeless soul. .
Isnt my love enough? Is it even possible to love him more? Is it even me that he dont want? I really dont wanna lose him but I also dont wanna hate him. Am I foool bcuz I never see the truth instead i keep seeing him when I shouldnt cuz I keep hoping sumthun will change ..THERE is a DANGER IN LOVING SOMEONE TOO MUCH.. and I just dont want to be the one to will cry.. Despite his past and his wrong doings, I followed my heart but it lead me to a broken shattered heart. I dont think I can ever trust my heart again. How caN I ever overcome this tragedy? B4 this man I was happy, there were no worries, no expectations and above all, no heart breaks.. Now i'm not saying that I regret meeting this man nor do i hate him . Why is that the one who can make you the happiest person can also make the saddest p erson in the world? Thousands of questions floods thru my head daily, none of them will I have enough courage to ask. Hundreds of assumption seals my mind, thousands of needles- one by one, pins thru my broken, lifeless heart.
First off... you're obviously an intelligent & articulate chick. A tree grows in Oakland. I feel for ya...
proves I am legit which made me more interesting
Legit how? You mentioned he's older. How much older? If he sees himself at a different point in life than you, he may be more apt to move on and leave you behind.
This guy may have treated you right in the beginning. But then he said he wanted to break up with you... on the way to the movies. I'm guessing that you had no choice but to stay in the car with him, since he was your transportation?
That's pretty low of him. Sounds like it was deliberate on his part.
Worse than that, this guy is stringing you along. He talked to his ex about restarting a relationship and then continues to have sex with you while NOT having any interest in your emotional needs.
Babe, that's no good. You need to get out of this and fast. You feel selfish and guilty - that's a big red flag. You know in your gut that this is wrong.
First off, you need to realize that this guy does not love you. He may have in the past, but his behavior now doesn't reflect that. Right now, he's two timing you.
Second, love stinks when it ends. Or even deep friendship, or infatuation. The thing is not to blame yourself as long as you're not at fault. You can overcome this by getting away from this guy and taking stock of what you want in life.
Also, it sounds like you got intimate quickly; most of the time, the slower you take physical things, the easier it is to gauge a person's character without being blindsided by sheer physical interest. He may have assumed that you were "easy" or disposable, or any one of a number of things that you most definitely are NOT. I'm not saying you judged his character wrong. It's just easier to target someone's true intentions when sex is not so often in the mix.
A man who sticks around when there is no sex at times, whether it's for a few days or weeks - when he's interested in you as a person, and not just you as a body that can give him sexual pleasure - that sort of man is often worth keeping.
You're anticipating the final blow of this break-up so much. Don't wait around for him to have the last word. You've obviously given him a lot and he hasn't given much back as of late. Jettison him and carry on.
I know that's tough. But if a partner isn't returning the love you give them, it's not worth it. You need to take care of yourself right now and make your feelings a priority.
Hope this helps.
Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005
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Hunny do not wait around for him, that is the worst thing you could do even if it is hard not to...ask yourself ,after this situation happening could you really continu the relationship without questionment? Get out of this before getting yourself really depressed, if he really cared he would atleast try to talk about it. Him actually thinking of letting his ex back in his life is a sign that sadly he is not that *into* the relationship as you are..
Take care of yourself and make the right descision, think of whats best for you, I know you know it deep in your heart, you deserve better then this torture.
Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2006
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i know i deserve better.. but i fell inlove with him. Its soo hard to walk away becuase he is my happiness.. its been over a week since we broke up and i couldnt eat or sleep. BUt we do talk on the phoine all the time.. i am just soo sad. I feel wrong talking and going out with other guys..
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