Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  New Poll  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » Saying "I love you"

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Saying "I love you"
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend in some form or another for nearly 2 years. I'm madly in love with him, and I want to say those 3 little words.

We've gone through some tough times, but we've always talked things out and managed to resolve things. I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Problem 1: I'm really scared to say "I love you". I worry that he doesn't feel the same way, and won't say it back. In the past, he's told me that he cares a lot about me, and that he "feels deeply" for me, but love hasn't really been mentionned.

Problem 2: I honestly don't know how I would react if he didn't say it back. My emotions have been all over the place for the past few months, and I cry at the drop of a hat. I don't really want to add insult to injury by starting to bawl if he doesn't say it back, lol.

So, does anyone have any advice? Should I just take the plunge and say it, or should I wait around some more?

Also, what's the best way to bring this up? Do I just blurt it out? My first thought was to say it after sex while we're cuddling, but I don't know if there are some things I haven't thought through about that idea...

Any advice and thoughts would be very much appreciated.

[Smile]

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kitka
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 22756

Icon 1 posted      Profile for kitka     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Two years is a decent amount of time for love to grow. You sound confident that your boyfriend cares a lot about you...

Some guys are not big on expressing their feelings, especially the L word. And depending on how demonstrative they are in the first place, hearing the L word can shake them up.

Whether you say it is up to you. He might say it back. He might not, or wait a while to say it. Either way, it's a leap of faith for most women, and men too.

What else does your boyfriend tell you? i.e. "You're the perfect person for me right now/I see a future with you/you're the best thing to happen to me in a long time?"

If he says those things to you pretty regularly, you've got good cause. But then again, he might say those things to avoid saying "love."

As for when... after sex, not so much, imo. A lot of guys tend to want to veg after sex. It might startle him... or he might think it's just because of the post-sex afterglow, and your words might fly over his head.

Why not try for a quiet & cozy moment, like when you're driving home from dinner? Preface it by taking his hand & kissing it. Or when you're going out somewhere, give him a bear hug and tell him.

Posts: 455 | From: New York, NY | Registered: Apr 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thanks for the advice Kitka; it's very much appreciated.

I know that he cares about me a lot. That I don't doubt. But is it a bad sign that he's never said any of those things to me?

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mr. Matthew
Activist
Member # 29890

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mr. Matthew     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's not necessarily a bad sign that he's never said "I love you" to you. You've never said it to him either. Maybe he has the same fears you do, that you might not say it back, or with the enthusiasm he hopes for.

Thank you for sharing your concerns. I'm moved by them. Your quandry is so deeply emotional, it's very beautiful.

Perhaps you could talk to him about your problem as you are talking about it here. Tell him your fears without saying the words. Tell him that you want to say how deeply you feel for him, but you are afraid he might not respond the way you'd like him to.

If he doesn't seem to Love you then go ahead and cry. I think I would. But if he says he has those deep feelings for you too, and he says it convincingly, then go ahead and say it: tell him "I Love You."

Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Additionally, blysse, bear in mind that words aren't always necessary.

It sounds a lot like you two love one another from your behavior. Sometimes actions speak a lot louder than words; I know a good amount of young women, myself included, who wish they heard "I love you" less and instead recieved actions that say so.

If you want to make it verbally known, go for it! Honesty is the best policy, not to mention best for those emotions and thoughts bottled deep inside you. I'm willing to bet it'll be a positive experience; even if he doesn't feel the same, isn't it best to know now instead of later?

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're right Miss Lauren, it would be best to know now, even if it would hurt a whole lot.

I do want to make it verbally known, but I'm not sure how to go about it.

I think that blurting it out with absolutely no preamble would be kind of awkward, so I'm trying to think of the best ways to say it...

So far I've come up with: I know you might not feel the same way, and I don't want you to feel at all pressured to say this back, but I just wanted to tell you how I feel: I love you...

How does that sound?

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
oh, and.. I don't know if this changes anything for anyone, but I figured I'd mention it: he's a fair bit older than my 19 years of age...

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Your planned way of telling him sounds good to me, blysse. It'll likely be a little awkward, but I think it was for everybody at some point to put their feelings on the line like you're planning to do.

How old are we talking here? If you feel it's a significant age difference, it's doubly important to make your feelings and expectations known.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The age difference has never bothered me, but I know that it might freak out some people... He's going to be 33 in December.

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
000
Activist
Member # 30201

Icon 1 posted      Profile for 000     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Just for a little more info, is this a relationship where you're both open honest with your families and peers? Everybody knows you two are involved?
Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sachan
Neophyte
Member # 26275

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Sachan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, not trying to freak you out... but I was in a similar situation as yours and decided to just bite the bullet and say it.
Totally regretted it. He didn't feel the same way and it absolutely devastated me. (I'm a pretty emotional person, and it never feels good to hear someone you've been together with for so long doesn't love you).

Your relationship is probably completely different from mine and it could be a great idea for you to share your feelings... I'm just saying that I personally regretted saying it.
I wish someone had warned me not to before I told him how I felt.

Either way you go... good luck!! It's a huge leap to take, and I really hope it goes well for you.

Posts: 23 | From: IL | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mr. Matthew
Activist
Member # 29890

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Mr. Matthew     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm going to say what a lot of people are thinking. Nineteen, and fourteen years older than nineteen: it sometimes works for awhile, but as far as Love where he "wants to spend the rest of his life with you" that's not what usually happens.

So, just going by the odds, if you put him to the test you are likely to be disappointed. I could be wrong, I hope I am, but do you want to take the risk? And then again, what are you risking if you don't ask him?

Respectfully,
Matthew

Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Shimmer
Activist
Member # 29464

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Shimmer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
regardless of the age difference, we're talking about 2 years of having a relationship with this man, i don't think it's too far fetched of an idea to express your feelings openly to him - after so long if he doesn't feel the same way and confesses that he's not sure he'll ever feel the same way then it truly is best you find that out now.
i dated someone 32 (i'm 20), so i understand the age thing, but every relationship is different. i hope you find the courage to say what you feel for him, and i hope he does the same in return. good luck!

Posts: 68 | From: USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Er, in answer to iheartdc's question: no... no one knows. He doesn't want me to tell... Well, today I got him to agree to let me tell one of my friends. It's a step in the right direction...

I know this probably sounds really bad, but I'm still madly in love with him. And the next time I see him, he said he'd explain to me why he doesn't want others to know. He didn't want to go over it by e-mail.

I don't know what he's afraid of, but I guess I'll see soon enough.

Does this new information change things for anyone?

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It does, blysse.

Regardless of what reasons he might have, in situations such as this, it's a major warning sign if he wants you two to keep your relationship secret.

In relationships with a radical age difference, it's especially important to have excellent communication skills, and to make feelings and desires known. Go ahead and have a discussion with him as to how you feel; it's really best that you know as soon as possible where this is going.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kluekozyte
Activist
Member # 29511

Icon 1 posted      Profile for kluekozyte     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
In my opinion, you should have 'the discussion'asap. You need to know (both of you)

1. your feelings for each other
2. how serious you are about the relationship
3. how practically you can make it work

There's a chance you'll find something out that will make you realize that this relationship is not a good idea at this time with this person. That might hurt, it might hurt alot, but it's better to find it out now in words, than later in actions, when even more is at stake.

With that in mind, I'm going to share two stories of telling people those three big words from my (admittedly, short and limited) experience.

My first relationship began as a flimsy schoolyard crush, not much of an emotional connection, but after about a year of this, things really started to grow, and I was pretty sure I was in love. After quite a while, not saying anything, I suggested that it would be funny to take some dumb online test called "is it love?" or something. The test came out positive, and broaching the topic, even in this most ridiculous of ways, gave me the confidence to tell her my feelings. She told me she loved me too, and our relatioship continued to grow and flourish and lasted for several years.

Second girlfriend, the relationship began extremely quickly, I told her I loved her pretty soon into it, and although she said she returned my feelings, it was pretty clear pretty quickly that she wasn't ready for as serious a relationship as I wanted. So that relationship pretty much ended there, and I think telling her my honest feelings brought a bad relationship to a close much earlier than if I'd kept my true feelings to myself.

Make of that what you will, but the bottom line of my advice is that honesty is the best route, even when it hurts.

Posts: 84 | From: NY | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well,

I just had a talk with him on MSN.

I didn't say "I love you", but I'm sure he figured it out. He told me that he saw me as a really good friend and lover, but that he didn't see me as a partner/gf.

There was more to the conversation, but that's the main stuff.

I can't stop crying. I'm so madly in love with him. This hurts so much. I'm nearly hyperventilating.

I let myself believe that he felt more. I'm so stupid.

I don't know how to deal with this...

The worst part is that I want to continue fooling around with him, because I'll take anything that will let me be close to him. I just can't face the fact that I won't be able to cuddle with him anymore, that he won't ever hold me again...

Another part of me is saying to just move on, that this wasn't healthy in the first place... but i don't know... i don't want to...

i just want my happily ever after with him...

i'm sorry i make no sense... I really need words of comfort right now...

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm really sorry to hear that it didn't go as you had hoped, blysse. That really hurts a lot, and isn't easy to face up to.

Allow yourself some time to be upset; go ahead and cry, cuddle a favorite blanket, whatever coping mechanisms you may have. But try to let yourself mourn without sinking entirely.

I know you might not want to hear this right now, but it can help to try to think positive about this, even though it seems nothing positive could come from it. As was said before, isn't it good that you found out now that this relationship isn't going where you wanted it to, rather than investing more time and energy into an uncertain setup?

It's unfortunate but true, relationships that are "meant to be" (which are a rare occurance) WILL be. I really think that continuing a sexual relationship with him in hopes of getting some physical/emotional warmth in the process would put un-necessary stress and heartbreak on you, not to mention fuel the power imbalance that is likely taking place.

You're truly better off without someone who can't see you as a partner/equal. Sadly, this is a common setup when young women have relationships with older men. Healing will be difficult, but think of it as a learning process. You now have the power to evaluate what went wrong, what you can work on (communication skills stand out the most to me), and what you can incorporate into your next relationship if you choose to have one.

I hope you feel better soon, hun.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Firefly-
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 26516

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Firefly-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you very much for your help Lauren (i hope you don't mind me not using "Miss")... it's extremely appreciated, and it helped me make the right decision.

I just finished talking to him, and I told him that I value our friendship more than the sex, and that I want us to continue just being best friends. (he had left the decision up to me last night)

He was impressed with my decision, and my maturity, and agreed that this was for the best. He told me that he also values our friendship very much.

All in all, I feel alright about this. My emotions might be a little bit messed up for the next little while, but the rational/logical part of me knows I did the right decision.

A big thank you to everyone who posted here and helped me out. You're all very awesome.

--------------------
Vero
Scarleteen Volunteer
Help sustain sex ed and Scarleteen: donate!

Posts: 1345 | From: Canada | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
Activist
Member # 25983

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Lauren-     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You're quite welcome, blysse. (And Lauren is fine, for future reference.) [Smile]

You have a good head on your shoulders and a good heart. You'll do just fine.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
THALIA#1
Neophyte
Member # 31006

Icon 1 posted      Profile for THALIA#1     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i feel the same way you feel i love my boyfriend of 6 months ( i kno what ur thinking 6 months thats nothing) but i feel like we've been together forever and im glad we are together b/c without him i would be nothing i love him with everything....i can't think of anyone i would rather be with...i want to tell him i love him im just scared...he won't say it back....

--------------------
Much Luv 4 Those N Need,
THALIA#1

Posts: 5 | From: ponca city ok | Registered: Oct 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

  New Poll   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3