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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Relationships » never been in a relationship before, but I want one

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Author Topic: never been in a relationship before, but I want one
reddave46
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Member # 30354

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I'm 19, in college, and I've never been in a relationship with a woman. Ever. But, I really Really want to be in one.
I used to get worried easily, and i still worry alot, although I'm working on it more and more. I am also really shy, although I have really close friends that are women, and we talk alot. I can talk to them about alot of stuff, like activities, school, work, etc. But, when I see someone that I like and may want to be in a relationship with, I tense up and the relationship part never occurs, or I ask them out, and they say no; I've had one yes, but it wasnt a relationship, it lasted only a day and she said that she just wanted to be friends from then on.
I've spoken to a counselor about this, and she said to just be myself and just have casual conversations with women. But, I've done that, and I know alot of women who think I'm a good guy, but they are either in a relationship already, or they moved far away for college.
I just really want to be in a relationship with a woman; I kinda know where to start, but since I dont have any experience in having a relationship, I don't know what to really do after.

Posts: 35 | From: NY | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Mr. Matthew
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hi reddave46,

Try not to feel alone. Many others are shy about starting relationships too. Here are two links to posts I've made to others asking similar questions. Write again if you have commetns or more questions.

Matthew

http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=007562;p=1#000001

http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=3;t=007529;p=1

Posts: 220 | From: Massachusetts, USA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Lauren-
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I'm another generally shy person, and what worked for me, believe it or not, was to stop looking.

Myself and a couple of my friends (some of whom are male) have found that we find the most fulfilling relationships at times we just aren't seeking them, like chance meetings at a coffee house when bored, or at a concert. Being quick to label things (like locking down and going exclusive within a few days) can also put some pressure on a new relationship.

Try getting to know the people you're attracted to just as friends, at first, just like the female friends you have. This puts less pressure on you both, and may allow your nerves to settle a bit. Once you feel that you know her well and feel bold, go ahead and ask her out. You have nothing to lose by trying. Good luck.

Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
reddave46
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Miss Lauren, what do you mean by labeling things?
In terms of chance meetings, I feel like I won't be prepared if that happens, and that I won't know enough or do the right things. It just seems like too small a timeframe, instead of like working with someone or having them as a classmate. Is there any way to improve that trust in myself?

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-Lauren-
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By labelling things, I mean defining what your relationship is. Sometimes one can focus a lot of the time on where themselves and another person stand, which could instead be used to get to know that person better. Sitting there wondering "Is this person my boyfriend/girlfriend?", "Are we just friends with benefits?" and the like can put some pressure on a budding relationship. It can be better to simply focus on the fun times you have together now than wonder what it will turn into in the future.

quote:
It just seems like too small a timeframe, instead of like working with someone or having them as a classmate.
Why is it a small timeframe? There's no rule that says you can't casually get to know somebody you meet by chance in the same way as a co-worker or classmate.

Perhaps you could try to avoid thinking of people you're interested in as potential dates, and focus more on expanding your social network and making friends. It's a lot less scary to think of making friends than it is to think of being on the hunt. People are generally attracted to social people with a full, interesting life. [Smile]

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reddave46
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Thank you so much for all of your help! I'm starting college in September, and I recently got a job at the college as a Career Peer Advisor. I am also the Vice President of a club at that same college. With all of that in one specific area, I think I will be able to expand my social network alot more, and possibly/hopefully break my shyness.
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-Lauren-
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You're very welcome! [Smile]

It looks like you have a lot going on for you at campus. Good for you! I'm sure it'll be a great experience.

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biblacknproud87
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Member # 30415

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Hello red! I'm a bit in your boat too, same age and have never been in a relationship (with a man or woman). It can be very frustrating, not because I feel pressured to date or have a boyfriend or girlfriend, but because I feel that I am ready to start a relationship (very slowly of course, lol). It's kinda like taking your permit, getting your driver's license but you STILL can't drive a car!! You KNOW you're prepared to drive one should you get behind the wheel-you may not know all the ins and outs, but you learn those as you go along. But generally you know you can handle it. But for SOME reason, you just can't find the right car.

I'm a bit of a shy person too, however I am proud to say that this past April, I was able to break that up a bit by asking a guy out (not on a "date" date, but I just asked him out for coffee, something casual nothing serious). I still get nervous when I think about asking someone else out in the future, but I know now from experience that I can do it. Of course, it doesn't always have to happen that way, as others have suggested. It could just be a chance meeting, and you start talking to them randomly. It just takes plenty of self-encouragement, as well as a few friends for support. I will never forget how nervous I was about asking him out. But when the time came I just went for it. The only thing holding me back was the fear of rejection, because I have been rejected before (for my looks, which are not, uh..shall we say...ideal to most people). He said yes, but I am sad to report, we never actually went out (You'd have to ask him about that...I dunno what was going on in his head). But I don't regret the experience at all. So just go for it!! [Smile]

--------------------
I'm lovely
I'm beautiful
I love myself
I need me
Before I need anyone else

Posts: 35 | From: New York...New Brunswick, New Jersey when I'm in school | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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